Once upon a time there was an Emperor who had a very good brain. He knew he had a very good brain because his brain told him so and anyway, everything he had was fantastic, the best, really, really the best.
He was a self-made emperor, having started his kingdom with a very small loan from his father of just one million gold pieces. Some people said the Emperor’s kingdom would be even larger if he had just put the one million gold pieces into an S&P mutual fund when he started, but those people were all losers, so what did they know?
This Emperor had the best of everything and everything he put his name on turned to gold. Casinos, steaks, bottled water, universities, ties, golf courses – every business was really, really successful, except for the ones that went bankrupt, but anyone who talked about that was just a pathetic whiner who didn’t understand business. The Emperor also had the best wives, the most beautiful, hottest wives in the world, all three of them.
But even though he was the ruler of the most successful kingdom in the whole world, and even though he could say, “You’re fired!” to anyone in that kingdom, the Emperor wanted more. So he decided to run for President.
Not that he really wanted to be President. Actually, he thought the White House was kind of a dump. There wasn’t a single gold-plated fountain in the whole place! It was nothing like the really, really fantastic palace he owned down in Florida. But the Emperor knew that just running for President would help him sell even more of the cuff links and wine and Success brand fragrance that made him such a hugely successful Emperor.
Some so-called experts told the Emperor that if he was going to run for President he would have to study a bunch of policies and prepare a whole bunch of positions on lots of issues, but the Emperor just laughed at them.
“I’m the Emperor!” he scoffed. “I’ll just wing it!”
And that’s what he did.
Strangely, the other people running for President didn’t seem to notice that the Emperor had no policies, at least, not at first.
“I really like the Emperor,” they said. “We’re good friends.”
And when anyone did dare point out that the Emperor had no policies or positions, his supporters got very angry.
“He tells it like it is!” they shouted.
“I’d like to punch him in the face!” added the Emperor.
To be fair, the Emperor did have a lot of opinions. He really, really hated all sorts of people, but he knew that even though he hated them, they all loved him.
“The Blacks love me,” he said. “Women love me. The Hispanics love me, and my taco bowls!”
When other candidates finally began to challenge him on his positions, he said they were “low energy,” or “liars.” And he told everyone he had very large man parts. “I guarantee it!” the Emperor assured them.
Most reporters and pundits and the people who talked on television assumed the Emperor had to have positions and policies, because you know, he was running for President. He couldn’t just be making it all up as he went along, could he? Could he? That was too ridiculous to contemplate, so instead, they debated which of his policies made him such a populist. For example, was it his opposition to raising the minimum wage or his support for raising the minimum wage? But when they asked his supporters why they supported him, they just shoutedd angrily, “He tells it like it is!”
And then one day, an innocent child, too innocent to understand the ways of Emperors and politicians and people who talk on television, was looking at her Facebook home page and exclaimed, “Why, the Emperor doesn’t know anything! He doesn’t understand the first thing about domestic or foreign policy! He just lies and says whatever he thinks people want to hear, mainly about how much he hates different kinds of people.”
And some other people said the same thing, like the retired host of a late night fake news cable TV show, and a kindly, gray-haired old lady who happened to be a U.S. Senator from Massachusetts. And even some of the members of the Emperor’s own party.
So the little child and the retired host and the kindly, gray-haired old lady went to the people who talk on television and said, “What’s the matter with you? Why are you treating the Emperor like he’s qualified to be President? Why aren’t you pointing out that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about? Don’t you see that most of the time he doesn’t even make sense and all he’s doing is peddling hatred and ignorance?”
To which the people who talk on television said, ”Who are we to judge? After all, Hillary changed her position on the Trans-Pacific Partnership Treaty. And emails.”
“That’s a false equivalence,” said the innocent little girl.
“Yeah, and you’re all dickwads,” said the retired talk show host.
“Hey, we have to sell this election,” replied the people who talk on television. “Besides, if the Emperor truly has no coherent policies or positions and he’s just a hate monger, and the candidate of one of our two major parties, and at least ten million people have already voted for him, that would mean our democracy is in very serious trouble and who wants to think about that, huh? Go away and don’t bring it up again.”
So the little girl and the retired talk show host and the kindly, gray-haired old lady did go away but they decided they would bring it up again as often as they could, though no one knew if it would do any good.
And they all lived happily ever after.
I guarantee it.