Back To The Future

Y2K Disaster Nearing 

End Of First Decade

Scientists Search For Software Fix

The source of our all our problems?








Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY

Hundreds of computer engineers and social scientists, who until recently shared the belief that the Y2K problem had been narrowly avoided in the year 2000, have now come to the startling conclusion that the much-feared apocalyptic disaster did occur, and is responsible for most of the unfortunate events of the past ten years. 

"It took us a while to connect the dots," said Dr. Cora Petersen, Professor of  Cataclysmic Engineering at Northumbria University. "At first we thought we'd dodged a bullet, but now we see it's actually a lot worse than we predicted. I mean, I thought there'd be some computer crashes or maybe the records at the motor vehicles bureau would be wiped out. But a worldwide bank failure and the destruction of New Orleans? That's really bad."

Although Professor Petersen said there was no direct proof that catastrophic events since the year 2000 have been the result of software problems, she, like many of her colleagues, believe there is no other plausible explanation.

"How else can you explain everything that's happened?" she insisted. "George Bush manages to become President of the U.S., terrorists attacks, war in Afghanistan, war in Iraq, giant hurricanes, food shortages, the Gulf oil spill, rising deficits, ten percent unemployment - it all traces back to the year 2000."

Ms. Petersen said the recent discovery of the ongoing Y2K crisis, though disturbing, did contain a silver lining. "Hey, if this is all just a software problem, then we can fix it," she pointed out. "That's a lot better than finding out that the basic mechanisms of democracy are broken, our society has entered an irreversible decline and we've ruined our planet for generations to come. Instead, all we have to do is change a few lines of code and reset the clocks on the world's computers. Then we can start the decade over from the beginning. So this is good news - we get to have a do-over!"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Back To The Future

Mosque Mania Part III

Group Calls For Expedition

To Free Hallowed Ground

En Route, Demonstrators Lay Siege To Milwaukee

 An earlier demonstration.

Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY

A group calling itself The New Knights of 9/11 said today it was pressing forward with its plans to send an expeditionary force  to New York City to, as they put it, "reclaim the hallowed ground of Ground Zero." This announcement came despite numerous reports of  instances of plunder and pillage by marauding bands of demonstrators en route to Lower Manhattan. 

Rev. Gregory Urban VII, the spiritual leader of the Las Vegas  megachurch, Clermont Council, restated his original call for the cross-country campaign, saying that, "god-fearing Americans must to travel to the East, by plane, on foot or by RV, to free the holy territory of Park Place and West Broadway." Reverend Urban was referring to the plan to build an Islamic community center in the neighborhood, two blocks from the former site of the World Trade Center.  

The minister denied that he was calling for a religious crusade. "This isn't about religion," he said. "It's about the fact that they're Muslims."  He also said that the campaign was not aimed at other businesses within a two-block radius of the Ground Zero site, such as strip clubs like the  New York Dolls Gentleman’s Club and the Pussycat Lounge or Thunder Lingerie, a sex shop with a peep show. "We've got no problem with anyone else," he said. "Unless it's an Islamic peep show - then they have to go." 

Rev. Urban insisted that his movement was not responsible for the actions of groups calling themselves New Crusaders who in recent days have left the original route of the protest to lay siege to Milwaukee and other Midwest cities, demanding tribute at the point of sword. "Crusades are messy things," he said. "You have to expect a  little rape and pillage."

Meanwhile, early arrivals of the New Knights movement were having trouble finding the site of the proposed community center. "We've got our catapults and siege engines behind the RV," said a retiree from Branson, Missouri, who would only identify himself as Peter The Hermit.  "So we drove down to the Ground Zero site to reclaim the holy land, but we couldn't find the mosque. It's almost like it's not at Ground Zero at all."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Mosque Mania Part III

Lunatics

Moon Shrinks But Conservatives 

Say More Cuts Needed
Stars, Planets And Galaxies May Be Next

 Is this a luxury we can afford?

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.

Republican members of Congress, joined by conservative Democrats, today applauded news that the Moon, the familiar satellite often viewed in the night sky, had shrunk sometime over the last billion years.  

"This is exactly the kind of belt-tightening Americans have to get used to in this time of economic austerity," said Representative Herbert H. Podsnap, speaking for the newly-formed Astro Austerity Caucus. "We're all going to have to make sacrifices and it looks like getting by with a smaller moon is one of them."

Scientists at NASA were quick to point out that the Moon, which has a diameter of over 2,000 miles, had only shrunk by about 200 yards and in any case the shrinkage is the result of cooling volcanic action and therefore has nothing to do with United States budget policy. Nevertheless, Congressman Podsnap and other members of  his deficit-reduction caucus insisted that Americans needed to follow the Moon's example and learn to get by on less.

"Sure, if you want to get all hung up on the science," the congressman noted, "Then the facts don't really back us up. But cutting the deficit isn't about the facts. If it was, we'd end the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy. The point is, if people can get by with a little less moonlight  then they can also learn to get by with fewer schools, firehouses, streetlights and paved roads."

Mr. Podsnap said that his colleagues believed further cuts in celestial objects would be necessary before the economic downturn ended. "Sure everyone likes to look up at the stars at night, but do we really need all those constellations? I mean, when was the last time you really looked at Ophiuchus? And who says we need eight planets? We downgraded Pluto and nobody seemed to notice. Stars and planets are just two of the luxuries we're going to have to give up, along with hospitals, parks, garbage collection and Social Security. Those folks over in Greece didn't want to give up any constellations and look what happened to them."

Representative Podsnap scoffed  when reminded that scientists say there is absolutely no relationship between deficit reduction and the number of stars or planets in the heavens. "Yeah, I know what the scientists say," he told reporters. "But we know how to deal with them - we're cutting back on science, too."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Lunatics

Mosque Mania Part II

Ground Zero Mosque 

To Perform Gay Marriages

NY Islamic Center Will Also 
Aid Illegal Immigrants

Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY

Republican leaders redoubled their criticisms of the plan to build an Islamic community center, including a mosque, near the Ground Zero site in downtown Manhattan, saying that not only would the center be an insult to the, "hallowed ground," of the September 11 attacks, but they have information that the Imam of the planned mosque intends to conduct gay marriages there.

"This just gets worse and worse," said Roy Sowerberry,  a spokesman for the Republican National Committee. "Every time we turn around we find out something else  about this project  that we made up.  Not only is the day care center in this place going to turn out Islamic terrorist toddlers, but those babies  are going to have two fathers."

Mr. Sowerberry did not explain how the Imam will be able to wed gay couples, since same-sex marriage is not legal in New York State. He did insist, however, that in addition to supporting Islamo-fascism and the destruction of the American family, the center would also be used to aid illegal immigrants from Latin America.

"That's right," Mr. Sowerberry added, "those terrorist gay babies won't even know how to speak English. After they blow you up, they'll steal your job while their gay parents kiss in public!"

The GOP spokesman added his voice to the chorus of Republican criticism of President Obama on this issue. "We think voters will rightfully be afraid of the President's Islamic, Hispanic, homosexual agenda and vote against it this fall. And if they don't, we'll think of something else that will frighten them."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Mosque Mania Part II

The Tip Of The Iceberg

Giant Ice Island In Arctic 
Released By Polar Bears

Are they sending us a message?

Richieville News Service - NUUK

A giant island of ice, more than four times the size of Manhattan, currently drifting towards the shipping lanes of the North Atlantic, did not separate from its glacier naturally as previously believed, say meteorologists. Instead, it appears the massive iceberg was created by hundreds of polar bears who either gnawed, scratched, or in some cases, urinated on the ice floe to break it off and send it floating toward more southern latitudes.

"The bears definitely did this," said Dr. Hugh Lofting, head of the international team of scientists who traveled by helicopter to examine the ice island off the coast of Greenland. "Somehow they worked together to cut loose a massive section of the glacier. We think they must have been really pissed off."

Dr. Lofting, who heads the Department of Ursine Psychology at Northumbria University, said his team was still trying to determine if the bears were intentionally trying to disrupt shipping or were merely trying to attract media attention. "We know that polar bears have been under a lot of stress lately," he commented. "With global warming they've been forced to swim farther and farther to get to their fishing grounds at the edge of the ice cap. Some of them have been lost at sea and drowned. Others have starved to death. You can  see how this would make them angry."

Skeptics immediately refuted the idea that polar bears had the intelligence or social organization to carry off such a large scale engineering project, either as a protest or for some other unexplained reason. But Dr. Lofting said his team remained convinced that the bears were attempting what he said was, "a publicity stunt."

"Look, there was no note or anything," said Dr. Lofting,  "Probably because bears can't write.  But  we  don't think we need a note to understand what they were trying to say. After all, the whole island is covered with bear crap."  

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

The Tip Of The Iceberg

Mosque Mania

GOP Plan Would Move 

Ground Zero To Alaska

The new Ground Zero?






Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY

Saying that lower Manhattan is no longer an appropriate place for a memorial to the victims of a terrorist attack that took place in lower Manhattan, Republican leaders unveiled a  new plan to preserve what they called the, "hallowed ground," of Ground Zero by relocating it someplace other than New York City.

"New York is a nice place to visit," said Roy Sowerberry,  a spokesman for the Republican National Committee, "but I wouldn't want to build a World Trade Center memorial there, even if it is the former site of the World Trade Center."

The RNC spokesman joined a growing list of Republican leaders, including former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, former Georgia congressman Newt Gingrich, and New York congressman Peter King who have been critical of the decision to allow an Islamic community center, including a mosque, to be built two blocks from the Ground Zero site. Conservative politicians and pundits say that construction of the center, which will include a swimming pool, a childcare center, a library and an auditorium, represents a victory for Islamic terrorism. And since New York City officials, including Mayor Bloomberg, have refused to block the project, these same critics say the only alternative is to move Ground Zero someplace else.

"Just because terrorists keep attacking New York City, that doesn't mean  it's the right place for this important monument to the war on terror," said Mr. Sowerberry.  "Ground Zero should be someplace with real American values, a place that doesn't allow people to just build houses of worship wherever they want."

The GOP spokesman said that Wasilla, Alaska was at the top of the list of possible locations for the new World Trade Center memorial. "You won't find any mosques in Wasilla, believe me," he said. "Or any illegal Hispanics, or black people or gays. Just real God-fearing Islam-hating Americans."

Mr. Sowerberry would not confirm that sites in Iowa, long considered America's heartland, had originally been considered but had been rejected because gay marriage is legal in that state. He did say that Las Vegas had put in a strong bid to be the Ground Zero host but had been turned down because, as he put it, "they already have a Statue of Liberty." 

Although Wasilla is considerably more remote than New York City, Mr. Sowerberry insisted this would be beneficial, allowing site administrators to keep out "undesirables," who might want to visit the planned monument to freedom. "Our Ground Zero will be open to everyone," he said,"just make sure you bring your birth certificate – if you have one."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Mosque Mania