Lowered Expectations

Death and Taxes – Americans Choose

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON
It is often said that the two sure things in life are death and taxes, but new research shows that Americans believe they can choose between them and are ready to die rather than accept higher taxes for the wealthy. As reported by the Congressional Budget Office, there is a widening gap between average life spans of the rich and poor.  For the first time, life expectancy is actually declining in some areas of the country.  
"I may live 7.5 years less than some rich person," said Elma Witherspoon, of Athens, Texas. "but at least we reduced the capital gains tax to 15 percent." Ms. Witherspoon lives in Henderson County, one of the 180 U.S. counties where life spans for women declined between 1983 and 1999. "Now if we can just make the Bush tax cuts permanent," she said, " I can go to my grave with a happy heart and sooner than I had planned."
Most of the counties where life spans have shortened are in the south, where voters have embraced Republican policies of cuts in social services accompanied by cuts in tax rates for the super wealthy. This would seem to bear out the conclusion that many voters would rather die than see the rich give up their tax shelters.
James McGregor lives in Fayette County, Alabama, where men on average live 11 years less than men in the most long-lived areas. "Nobody lives forever," he said, on a recent spring morning, while waiting to fill out a job application at WalMart. "What's a few years of life compared to letting rich people have lower effective tax rates than working people? Sure, if we had national health insurance, I might be able to make it past 65, but by then they'll probably have done away with Social Security, so I won't have anything to live on, anyway."
Patricia Peabody, of Fulton County, Arkansas, though doomed by poverty and neglect to be among the 19 percent of American women whose life spans will be shorter, had a philosophical attitude about her sooner-than-average demise. "I just don't like big government, " she said. "And that's the way I'm voting, even if it kills me."

OPINION

Black People to Whites:

We Don't Hate You

Dear White People,

Rev. Jeremiah Wright is back in the news, thanks to his interview with Bill Moyers and his speech to the NAACP and we know that once again he's making you pretty nervous. So we all got together and decided it was time to say something to you, something we probably should have said a long time ago.
We don't hate you.

That's right, we don't hate you, white people. In fact, we like you. We really, really like you. A lot.
See, white people, we know that underneath your anger and outrage, you're just very, very sensitive. You can't bear the thought that black people might be holding some kind of grudge against you. Just thinking about it hurts your feelings. We understand. We do, really!
We get it. You think we're angry and that makes you feel bad and then you get angry back. We know we haven't said this before but we feel really, really bad that you feel bad. It must be hard to be so sensitive but that's one of the things we admire about you. The funny thing is that it's all one big misunderstanding. We're not angry at all. Slavery, Jim Crow, segregation, lynch mobs and the KKK? We are like, so totally over all of that.
We know sometimes it looks like we're angry, but really, we're not – not with you, anyway. It's probably just something we ate, or maybe we got stuck in traffic or our cable TV is out. There are lots of reasons we could be feeling grumpy or irritable, but none of them is you. We certainly don't blame you for any of the things that have happened to us since our ancestors were dragged here in chains 400 years ago. We know none of it is your fault. Not one bit!
And Jeremiah Wright? We keep telling you, he's retired. And he's old. And oh, yeah – did we mention that he has a really bad case of athlete's foot? That would make anyone seem angry.
Oh, white people, the truth is, not only are we not angry with you in the slightest, not only do we really like you, but we want to be your friends. Really, we do – all of us. Best friends forever. Because we think you're cool. Really.
So just to make it absolutely clear, we don't hate you, not one little bit. Okay?
Now will you vote for Barack Obama?

Your Friends (we really mean it),
Black People

Busts Lead to Boom

India to Send Prisoners to U.S.

Washington to Offer Detention Outsourcing 

Federal penitentiaries like this one will now be called, "detention outsourcing centers."

Richieville News Service – NEW DELHI

Indian Finance Minister Shri P. Chidambaram today announced the completion of a trade deal that allows convicts from all of India's 35 states and territories to serve out their sentences in American prisons. The deal came just days after it was reported that although the United States has less than 5 percent of the world's population, it has nearly a quarter of the world's prisoners. 

"When we learned that the U.S. is number one in keeping people locked up, we just naturally thought of going there for our prison services," said Mr. Chidambaram. "If you want good prisons, it makes sense to go to the folks who are really good at putting people behind bars, just like people come to us because we're good at software development, semiconductor design, computerized record keeping and database management, tech support and sales service centers, generic drug manufacturing and melodramatic movies with lots of catchy song and dance numbers."

In Washington, Trade Representative Susan C. Schwab hailed the deal as a win for the struggling American economy. "This proves the U.S. can compete in the world marketplace and that globalization is a two-way street," she said. "We offer a full range of prison services from minimum security to capital punishment. Very few countries can say that."  She added that she expects the U.S. lead in the field to be maintained for quite some time. "China has, like, ten times as many people as we do yet they only manage to lock up 1.6 million of their citizens. We have 2.3 million Americans behind bars. I don't think they're going to catch up any time soon." 

Many Wall Street analysts  gave credit for the deal to the worldwide publicity American prison methods have received thanks to news stories about Guantanamo Bay and Abu Gharib. Meanwhile, state governments began jockeying for a piece of the India prison business, but many details still needed to be worked out, especially how to keep track of the Indian prisoners once they are in the vast U.S. prison system. Ms. Schwab conceded that there were obstacles that needed to be overcome. "Those long Indian names are pesky," she said. "and are hard for our prison staffs to understand, but we have a plan for that - we're going to outsource Bureau of Prison record keeping to India." 

Everybody Wins

Campaign Continues - Nation Rejoices!

All Eyes on Guam - Firewall Island?

Guam primary voter prepares to decide fate of nation, world.

Richieville News Service – INDIANAPOLIS

Today, a jubilant nation celebrated Hillary Clinton's Pennsylvania primary victory, which assured the continuation of the race for the Democratic Presidential nomination. Across the country, in  living rooms and around office water coolers, in Internet chat rooms and in scuzzy dive bars, fans of political infighting breathed easy, knowing that the endless rounds of charges and countercharges, along with displays of beer guzzling and pancake eating, would go on for weeks if not months.  

"I was so worried that Clinton might win by a 20-point margin as originally predicted," said Constance Washington of Indianapolis. "Or that Obama might somehow manage to come out ahead. Either one would have ended the race for sure. Now us folks in Indiana will get our chance to see all those great threatening television ads. I especially like the one where you think those cute kids are going to die in their sleep at 3 AM.  I just hope those spoilsports in Guam don't ruin everything by handing either candidate a lopsided victory."

She was referring to the all-important May 3 Guam primary, which is the latest in a series of decisive "firewall"contests. The desire to keep the battle going as long as possible seemed to be shared by many of the voters in Tuesday's decisive Pennsylvania election, which followed the equally decisive "firewall"primaries in Texas, Ohio and the 24 decisive contests of Super Tuesday. 

"I know Obama is going to win the nomination, what with him having more pledged delegates and being uncatchable in the popular vote and all," said Hillary supporter Al Greenwood, of Pittsburgh, "but I just didn't want to end all the fun we've been having. With any luck they'll be able to schedule 10 or 12 more debates before the convention."

His sentiments were echoed by Clinton communications director Howard Wolfson, who expressed the campaign's delight with the latest decisive decision. 

"Anyone who calls for unifying the Democratic Party at this point is out of touch with the values of small town, blue-collar, salt of the earth, beer guzzling, gun toting, white working class men. As far as I'm concerned, if you don't enjoy being appealed to on the basis of fear, suspicion and ignorance, then you're just some kind of elitist. "

News Analysis: Democracy in Action

Iraq Primary Heats Up

Candidates Seek to Destroy Each Other's Credibility, Each Other

A recent debate in Iraq's increasingly acrimonious primary election. 

Richieville News Service - BAGHDAD

The Iraq primary election campaign, which had seemed to moderate in recent days, returned to its previous level of rancor over the weekend, with rival candidates and their supporters throwing accusations at each other along with mortar fire and armor-piercing bullets. Both sides blamed the other for the increasingly negative tone of the contest, which will decide the winner of provincial elections to be held October 1. 

The elections, which will decide control of local governments and with them, control of oil revenues, are being contested by over 25 parties, known locally as "militias." The ongoing primary process is to determine which of two groups, the Badr Organization or the Mahdi Army will represent the country's majority Shia population in the general election. Both are grass-roots networks of enthusiastic college-age volunteers. The Badr Organization, linked to the Supreme Iraqi Islamic Council, backs Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. The Mahdi Army has coalesced around the maverick politician Muqtada al-Sadr. In recent weeks, Mr. al-Maliki has launched an aggressive campaign to cut into Mr. al-Sadr's support, chiefly by killing his supporters.   

Despite recent reversals in Basra, Muqtada al-Sadr, whose party controls 30 of the 275 seats in parliament,  rejected calls that he quit the race, vowing to throw the "kitchen sink," at his rival, Mr. al-Maliki. The so-called "kitchen sink" strategy, seen as a desperation measure, is known locally as an "open war of liberation." He also complained of the "filthy military and media campaign," being waged against him. Mr. al-Sadr's remarks, in a conference call with major donors, were simultaneously broadcast over loudspeakers  to the 2.5 million residents of the vast Sadr City neighborhood in Baghdad.

Mr. al-Maliki retaliated quickly, calling Mr. al-Sadr a "whiner." He also suggested that he was doing the radical cleric a favor by subjecting him to the same kind of attacks he would face in a general election. "If he can't take the heat," he said at a campaign rally, in which he was personally directing the assault on Mahdi Army positions in Sadr City,  "he should get out of the range of my rocket-propelled grenades."

Although the United States has not made an official endorsement of either candidate, it has offered Mr. al-Maliki help with the loan of campaign workers from the 82nd Airborne Division But it seems the contest will ultimately be decided by superdelegates, known locally as "Iran."

Six Degrees of Renunciation

Kevin Bacon Completely Un-Electable,

Forced to Denounce Everyone

The most un-electable person in America

Richieville News Service – NEW YORK CITY

Actor Kevin Bacon announced today that he is abandoning plans to persue elected office after exploratory efforts found he was un-electable due to his close association with everybody. 

"It is a sad commentary on the state of political discourse in our country," he said in a statement issued by his publicist, "but it turns out being within six degrees of everyone just means I'm distrusted by everyone. Do you know how many objectionable people I can be linked to?"

Mr. Bacon had hoped that being closely connected to every living being in the United States and, for that matter, on the planet, would work to his advantage. He said he was shocked to find the opposite was the case. 

"Everyone likes being connected to me," he said, referring to the popular game, Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. "It's being connected to everyone else that they can't stand."

He said he would now concentrate on other projects, including a new album by his band, The Bacon Brothers, a reality television show and a line of men's skin care products.

Clearing the Air for the Olympics

Beijing Halts Construction, Stops Sewer Service

Asks Citizens to "Hold It" Until September

Richieville News Service – BEIJING

Beijing officials have added sewer service to the list of activities that will be suspended in an intensifying effort to control air pollution before the Olympic Games. It will join steel production, new construction, oil refining and outdoor spray painting, all of which will be halted or severely restricted. Officials say the move is necessary in order to insure clean air for the athletes who will begin competing in the city on August 8.

"We've already reduced power plant emissions by thirty percent," said Du Shaozhong, deputy director of the city's Environmental Protection Bureau. "Cutting sewer emissions was the next logical step." He expressed confidence that if the 17.43 million residents of greater Beijing would just stop going to the bathroom, ozone levels in the area could be brought within a range acceptable to the IOC, the games' governing body.

Environmental groups expressed skepticism that shutting Beijing's outmoded and ineffective sewer system would work. "It's true that China's sewer treatment is on par with its other environmental measures, which is to say, non-existent, "said Carissa F. Etienne, Assistant Director- General of the World Health Organization. "But this measure seems unlikely to do much good. After all, when you gotta go, you gotta go."

Chinese officials denied this was the case. "The Chinese people have historically shown incredible self-control and will-power," said Beijing acting mayor Guo Jinlong, a close associate of President Hu Jintao and former Communist

Party boss of Tibet. "We are certain that the residents of Beijing will do their part in preparing for this showcase of our great nation as a first-class 21st-century world power."

Human rights advocates voiced strong concerns that the new "no-go," anti-pollution policy would be even more draconian than the national "one child," population control policy, but Mr. Guo Jinlong scoffed at the idea. Meanwhile, city officials were drawing up a list of steps that might help residents deal with the new rules, including, "holding it," "hopping up and down," and for those truly in distress, "visiting relatives in other parts of the country to use their bathroom."

Toilets like this one will be off limits beginning May 1.

Peeved in Pennsylvania

Working Class Voters Angry, Bitter 

About Being Called Angry, Bitter

Richieville News Service – HARRISBURG

Over the last few days, Tim Johnson has heard working class voters like himself described as angry and he says that makes him mad – fighting mad.

"When people describe me as angry, it just makes my blood boil," says the machinist from Scranton, Pennsylvania. "The idea that some politician would say I'm angry makes me want to punch someone in the face."

Johnson is not alone. Across this hotly contested primary battleground, blue-collar voters are incensed at the very suggestion that they are irate or ticked off, even if they have very good reason  to be. Clara Bilanko, who was laid off  after working 23 years at a pipe fabricating plant outside Allentown, shares Johnson's sense of betrayal. 

"Don't call me angry," she said on a recent morning, pounding her fist on the counter of Hank's All-American Diner, a favorite gathering place for unemployed factory workers. "I lost my home, my car and my health insurance but calling me angry is the last straw. Anyone who says that deserves to burn in hell."

Sitting next to her, Marty Cargill nodded furiously. "That word bitter, it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Just because I resent that I'm 67 years old and my company went bankrupt and I lost my pension and now I'm working for minimum wage at WalMart doesn't mean I'm bitter."

In numerous interviews, voters in the hardscrabble mill towns that dot this state suggested that not only are they vexed at being characterized as wrathful, but they are also irritated at being told they are peeved.

"I wish politicians would listen to how enraged we are about being called angry," said Mr. Johnson. "But I feel powerless to stop them. If only we had some way to make our voices heard. It's very frustrating."