Richieville Science News

Obesity Rates Level Off

Americans Hit Limit Of Corn Syrup Consumption

Americans may not be able to consume more corn syrup.

The leveling off of childhood obesity rates reported Wednesday was not caused by an increase in exercise or a change of eating habits by the nation's young, say researchers. Instead, it is the result of an event unforeseen by scientists – Americans apparently just cannot digest any more high fructose corn syrup. 

"Have you seen more kids exercising?" asked Dr. Vivian Tanworthy, a scientist at the Center for Disease Control. "Because we sure haven't. Unless looking at your friends' profiles on Facebook or downloading songs in iTunes count as exercise. And by the way, if any kids are listening - they don't!"

Although health officials originally hailed the news as a sign that public education programs about nutrition and healthy lifestyles were finally having an effect, the consensus now seems to be that something else is at work. Even though Americans are now consuming more than sixty pounds of the syrup per person annually, it seems there is a natural limit to the amount of mass-produced sweetener the human body can absorb.  

"We're calling it the high fructose barrier," explained Dr. Tanworthy. "The mechanism is rather technical, but it seems that by the time you get to your third sixty-four ounce bottle of Pepsi, that's it, you just can't metabolize any more of the stuff. 

Tanworthy said she doubted obesity levels would actually decline unless, as she put it, "someone turns off the Internet." But the good news is that they will not continue to rise as they have for the past two decades. "That's right," she said. "It doesn't matter what we eat now - Americans just can't get any fatter." 

Monkeys Use Brain To Control Robot Arm

83 Percent Vote For McCain

Monkeys prefer Senator McCain by a wide margin.

Scientists have been able to teach monkeys to control robot arms using only their brain waves, it was reported in the journal Nature. During one experiment, eighty-three percent of the monkeys used the robotic arms to vote for Republican John McCain.

Alvin Cephas of the University of Pittsburgh was in charge of the team who performed the experiments. "We'd been having them grab treats with the arms," he explained in a phone interview. "Then someone, I think it was Bernie the grad student, had the idea of letting them vote on electronic voting machines."

The remaining monkey vote was split between Libertarian Bob Barr and Representative Ron Paul.

"That's right," confirmed Mr. Cephas. "Who would have guessed that monkeys are all Republicans?  I guess they're not as smart as we thought."

Red Menace

NASA Finds Osama Bin Laden On Mars

Asks For $1 Trillion To Go Get Him

NASA says this is bin Laden's hiding place. 

Richieville News Service – PASADENA, CA

NASA scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory made the startling announcement today that the Phoenix Mars lander, sent to find evidence of life on the red planet, had instead found the terrorist leader Osama bin Laden. The agency immediately submitted a request to Congress for a one trillion dollar budget increase so the al-Qaida mastermind could be brought to justice.

"Yeah, we found him, we really did," said Phoenix team leader Dr. Edward Li. "I know it's hard to believe, but he's there. And NASA won't rest until we can send a team of astronauts to Mars to get him."

Physicists and astronomers not associated with the space agency voiced skepticism that the Islamic extremist could be on Mars, which even at its closest, is still 35 million miles away from his suspected hiding place in western Pakistan. Dr. Li said NASA scientists could not explain how Mr. bin Laden got to Mars or how he manages to survive in the planet's harsh conditions, but he said they were confident he was there.

"Sure, we're sure," he stated at a press conference here. "It's hard to make out in these photos, but we think he's just behind those rocks on the right. Oh, he's there all right. And we're going to get him. All we need is like, a trillion bucks. Heck, we could do it for nine hundred billion. Don't you guys remember 9/11?"

One trillion dollars would be 57 times greater than the agency's current annual budget of 17. 6 billion. A jump of that size would be welcomed by fans and supporters of space exploration who have felt that NASA has been severely underfunded in recent years. But Dr. Li insisted the emergency appropriation was a matter of national security.

"Back in 2004, President Bush promised we would send astronauts to the Moon and to Mars," he reminded reporters. "Then he forgot all about it. I guess the exploration of the cosmos and the search for life on other planets and the origin of everything in existence just isn't that important to some people. But it's important now, isn't it? Oh, yeah, we're going to Mars, baby!"

Meanwhile, Connie McGill, Superintendent of the Detroit public school system, announced that the hunted terrorist ringleader was hiding in one of the city's elementary schools.

"We know he's in one of them," Ms. McGill said in a statement to the press. "We just don't know which one. But we're going to find him and we don't need one trillion dollars, either. If I could get about three hundred million to hire some more teachers and fix a few roofs, I'm sure we can kill or capture that cold-blooded murdering bastard."

In Matawan, New Jersey, Robert Hernandez, an official with the New Jersey Division of Parks and Forestry, called a hasty press conference to tell reporters that Mr. bin Laden had been discovered in nearby Cheesequake State Park.

"He' s out on the 1.5 mile nature loop," the excited park ranger told reporters gathered in the parking lot by the restrooms. "All I need is six thousand bucks and some donated lumber and I can fix the trail enough so we can haul that rat out of whatever hole he's hiding in and exterminate him. Oh, yeah, 9/11."

Dr. Li of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory quickly responded to these competing reports, stating that the space agency was absolutely sure they had located the one and only Osama bin Laden.

"Did I say nine hundred billion?" he said in a follow-up phone interview. "We don't really need that much. How about like, three hundred fifty? Two hundred? It's not for space exploration, it's for the war on terror! A hundred twenty-five? Even if we don't find him, we'll bring back some nice rocks, I promise. Please?"

Second-Class Cash

Treasury To Redesign Bills

Poor To Get Their Own Currency

The poor have special money needs. 

Richieville News Service - Washington, D.C.

The Treasury Department today announced plans for a complete redesign of U.S. currency, creating a separate class of money to be used exclusively by the nation's poor. Treasury officials said the new poor people's currency would include features meant to, "enhance the money-owning experience." The decision followed last week's federal court ruling ordering a redesign of the currency to add features to help the visually impaired. 

"We realized that the poverty-stricken also have special monetary needs," explained Felix G. Moynihan, of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. "For example, a lot of them have less money than rich people. So we thought maybe we could figure out ways they could get more enjoyment out of the few dollars they do have. Like, we could print them in really bright colors, or run a comic strip on the back."

Other entertainment features envisioned for the new bills include holographic, three-dimensional photos of movie stars or sports legends and embedded sound chips like those found in some greeting cards. The chips would be programmed to tell a joke or play a snippet of pop music every time the bill was withdrawn from a wallet or purse. 

"Imagine you want to buy a gallon of milk that costs four dollars and you only have three," the Treasury spokesman said. "Having singing money will really take the sting out of that." He added that the Treasury was also in talks with Apple Computer about the feasibility of downloading music or television shows directly into dollar bills. One drawback to the scheme is the fact that the cost of the download might be more than the value of the bill itself.

Mr. Moynihan said that the higher costs of printing bills with these features could be offset by selling advertising on the currency or through sponsorship deals. For example, the five dollar bill could become the Microsoft five dollar bill. However, he stressed that Abraham Lincoln's picture would remain on the bill regardless of the sponsor. 

He also revealed that the department was considering another set of currency designed for the nation's wealthy. Unlike the somewhat gaudy bills envisioned for the poor, the rich people's currency would be small, unobtrusive and printed in tastefully muted shades of gray. There would be no denomination markings, following the principle that if you have to ask, you probably can't afford it. The bills would also be printed with special codes making them immune to taxes.

 "Right now we spend so much of our time trying to re-jigger the tax code to keep the wealthy from paying their share," Mr. Moynihan explained. "Giving them tax-free money will save us a lot of headaches, let me tell you."

Some critics of the design plans said there was a danger that the poor would become too attached to their new bills and not want to spend them, but Mr. Moynihan disagreed. "We think the poor will still have incentives to spend, like for instance, hunger and the need for shelter."

As for the idea, advanced by some, that the currency needs of the poor could best be met by giving them more of it, the Treasury spokesman had this to say, "The problem of poor people having less money is very complex, we don't want to just throw money at it." 

Appeaser-Ashmeaser

Israel Talks To Syria

Loses Jewish Vote

Israel fears another address by President Bush.

Richieville News Service – BOYNTON BEACH, FL
  In retirement communities and delicatessens across this state, Jewish voters expressed grave reservations over the news of Israel's peace talks with Syria. The outpouring of criticism  raised the possibility that Israel might be losing the support of one of its core constituencies, Jews.

"They're talking to terrorists!" said Bernie Kupferstein, 74, as he leaned on his shuffleboard stick at the Aberdeen Country Club. "I can't believe Israel would betray Israel like that."

At Izzie's Genuine New York Deli, in Boca Raton, Shirley Goldenfarb, 83, shared Mr. Kuperferstein's sentiments. "It seems like Israel doesn't have Israel's interests at heart," she said, vigorously waving her bagel with a schmear. "And to think of all the trees I paid for over there. Appeasers! Feh!"

Maury Lefkowitz, 91, nodded in agreement. "I heard that Turbowitz is a Muslim," he said, grimacing over his plate of cheese blintzes, "like Obama."He was referring to Yoram Turbowitz, one Israel's chief negotiators in the talks. Mr. Turbowitz is Jewish. Senator Barack Obama is a Christian.

The reaction was much the same across Florida, where elderly Jews, usually stalwart supporters of the Jewish state, echoed the words of President Bush, who just last week made a speech to the Israeli parliament, comparing those who would talk to "terrorists and radicals" to the politicians who appeased Hitler before World War II. It is now clear that Mr. Bush knew of the peace talks at that time.

At Century Village, Fanny Glembotski, 98, was so distraught over the idea of negotiating with the government of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, she could hardly concentrate on her cards as she played casino with her friend, Goldie Mintz, 103.

"Turgeman is an Arab," she stated with assurance. "Everyone at the synagogue says so." She was referring to Shalom Turgeman, foreign policy advisor to Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert.

"And Olmert is a Palestinian," added Mrs. Mintz.

Sheila Blumenstein, 114, disagreed with Mrs. Mintz. "Don't be stupid, Olmert's not a Palestinian," she said emphatically. "He's friends with that Reverend Wright."

"You don't say?" replied Mrs. Mintz. "It figures."

Both Mr. Turgeman and Mr. Olmert are Jewish and neither has any association with Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

In Jerusalem, members of Mr. Olmert's government braced themselves for the inevitable onslaught of criticism not just from Jewish senior citizens but from the Bush administration, which had actively opposed any contacts with Syria.

"We know we let down George Bush and John McCain," said one high level Israeli government official, speaking off the record. "And we know they're both going to make major speeches attacking us. And what about Fox News? They're going to eviscerate us, every hour on the hour, 24/7. But what can we do? We're just weak."

The official expressed confidence that Jews would eventually come around to supporting Israel, but for the time being, Mrs. Blumenstein and her friends were having none of it.

"And that appeaser Lieberman, he goes to the same church as Farrakhan," she insisted. When told that Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam, does not attend a church and that he has no ties with Senator Joseph Lieberman, who is Jewish, she was genuinely surprised.

"Really?" said Mrs. Blumenstein, who turned 115 during the writing of this report, "he doesn't look Jewish."

They Wanna Go Home

Mass Homesickness Strikes GOP

Families' Reactions Mixed

New Slogan May Be Cure

Republicans think they need a new slogan.

Richieville News Service – Washington, D.C.

Doctors and psychiatrists from Walter Reed Hospital descended on Capitol Hill today, searching for the cause of a growing epidemic of homesickness that has struck Republican lawmakers. By some counts, at least thirty GOP representatives have decided not to run for reelection this fall, saying unanimously that they wanted to, "spend more time with their families."

For weeks, stories have circulated of crying, sobbing Republicans wandering the halls of Congress clutching teddy bears and asking for their mommies, but these rumors remained unconfirmed until now. The presence of teams of therapists with piles of blankies and mugs of hot cocoa in the Rayburn Congressional Office Building seemed to corroborate the accounts.

"We think it may be some form of avian flu," said Dr. James McNaughton, a specialist in infectious disease. "Or perhaps it's a case of mass hysteria. It's just not normal for so many grown men to suddenly have an overwhelming urge to be home with their wives and families."

Reaction from the politicians' families to the impending homecomings was decidedly mixed. Faced with the prospect of having her husband home seven days a week, one congressional spouse, who asked to have her name withheld, remarked, "He's totally bungled the war in Afghanistan, led us into a disaster in Iraq, screwed up the economy and almost destroyed the Constitution. You think he's going to be much help around the house?"

New Slogan - "We're To Blame"

Meanwhile, GOP leaders worked furiously to find a cure for the epidemic, placing their hopes on efforts to "rebrand" their beleaguered party. Officials said they were confident their new slogan,  "We're To Blame," would do the trick.

   The new catch phrase replaces the one adopted just last week, "The Change You Deserve," which had to be discarded because it was already being used by the anti-depressant medication Effexor XR. Over the past few days, party operatives worked through several alternatives, including, "Nobody's Perfect", "Third Time's A Charm", "It Can't Get Any Worse" and the short but memorable, "Oops!" 

Republican National Committee chair Mike Duncan said "We're To Blame" was consistent with conservative values. "We screwed up the country beyond all recognition, and now the Democrats, in typical liberal fashion, want to bail us out, just like they want to bail out people who took sub-prime mortgages, or the folks who made the mistake of getting sick without health insurance. But we don't think the American people are going to let us off that easy. We're to blame and so it's up to us to stick around and clean up our own mess. That's the American way, isn't it?" 

Mr. Duncan conceded that a new slogan by itself might not cure the mysterious wave of homesickness striking GOP members of Congress, but he said the RNC had a backup plan. "We hear this stuff Effexor XR works really well. We're working on a sponsorship deal with them right now."

Richieville News Roundup

Campaign Strapped For Cash, McCain Starts Psychic Hotline

       

John McCain can see into the future. 

Unable to compete with the Obama fundraising juggernaut, and facing a serious money disadvantage in the general election, Senator John McCain announced today that he was starting a psychic hotline service. McCain campaign manager Rick Davis announced the new fundraising scheme in a statement to the press.

"Last week, Senator McCain told the world of his predictions for the year 2013," Mr. Davis told reporters at McCain headquarters in Arlington, Va. "Now members of the general public can take advantage of these same psychic powers to help guide them in their personal lives."

Mr. Davis was referring to the senator's recent ad in which he predicted multiple events that would occur in the year 2013, including the stabilization of the Middle East, the reduction of the threat of nuclear terror and the advancement of energy independence. In a speech last week he also prophesied  that the war in Iraq would be over at that time.  

"Thanks to his extraordinary ability to travel through dimensions in the astral plane, Senator McCain can see into the future," Mr. Davis asserted. "Now, with the McCain Psychic Hotline, John McCain will use his soothsaying powers to see into your future. For only $1.50 a minute, the future president will help you make crucial decisions that can affect your lifelong happiness. Should you get married? Should you take that new job? Should you take out a subprime mortgage? Which Middle East country should you invade? John McCain has the answers to all these and more. To hear the future all you have to do is call 866 675-2008."

U.S., Still Liked By Some People, Builds Bigger Prison

  Facing defeat in its losing public relations battle, the Bush Administration seemingly threw in the towel today, opting instead to try for a record low in worldwide opinion polls. 

"Let's face it," said White House Spokesperson Dana Perino. "There's just no way we can improve our image while we continue with our current policies. And frankly, it's pretty demoralizing to keep trying. So we've decided to go the other way and see if we can hit a perfect score of one hundred percent disapproval rating throughout the world."

Chief among the projects in the new initiative is the construction of a giant prison complex at the Bagram military base outside Kabul, Afghanistan. The prison at Bagram already houses more prisoners than the one at Guantanamo Bay.

"Guantanamo has helped put us within reach of our goal," noted Perino, "but we still have a ways to go. There are still places in the world where people don't absolutely despise us. For example, twelve percent of all Pakistanis still think the U.S. is better than a bucket of goat droppings. But this new prison should put an end to that."

Arctic Drilling Continues – Polar Bears To Get a Cut

An endangered but wealthy species.

Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne sought to answer critics of expanded drilling in Arctic wilderness areas by announcing a new oil revenue profit-sharing plan. The plan, to go into effect May 21, mandates that 1.5 percent of all proceeds from Alaska North Shore oil sales be deposited into an account under the name, "polar bears."

"This plan gives the bears a financial stake in the further exploitation of their habitat," Mr. Kempthorne said in a statement released today. "We get to plunder the environment for oil and they get a steady flow of cash. It's a win-win situation."

Although just last week polar bears were put under the protection of the Endangered Species Act, Secretary Kempthorne said that the act does not prevent further development of the bears' habitat. In fact, his department recently opened up 30 million acres of Arctic wilderness for exploratory drilling.

"There are some who say the only way to save polar bears is by stopping global climate change, including the burning of fossil fuels like oil," the secretary's statement concluded. "These elitists want to force their environmental do-goodism on the bears and dictate how their habitat should be used. Our plan lets the bears decide. For example, they could use the profits to move to a colder climate or buy air conditioners. The money is theirs to do with as they want. All they have to do to collect is go to the nearest bank and show some form of government-issued ID."

Worse Than Simon

Hamas Likes David Archuleta

Effect On Idol Voting Unclear

The radical Islamic group thinks David Archuleta is "dreamy."

Richieville News Service –GAZA 

Pundits of the right and left, along with music industry executives and several million teenage girls, clashed today over what appeared to be an endorsement of American Idol contestant David Archuleta by the radical Islamic organization Hamas. The disputed remarks came at the end of a press conference given by Hamas spokesman Ahmed Yousef, when he digressed from his comments about the latest round of violence between Israel and Palestinians to say, "I really like David Archuleta. I hope he wins." 

Later, in response to an unrelated question, Mr. Yousef returned to the subject, exclaiming, "Yo! Yo! Check it out! Randy's right - that boy can sing the phone book, dawg!" He was referring to one of the three judges on the televised singing contest, record producer Randy Jackson. 

Mr. Archuleta, when told of the comments by the Hamas spokesman, giggled uncontrollably for several minutes and then said earnestly. "I am just so happy to be here. This is like a dream come true."

Meanwhile, fans of the other finalist, David Cook, suggested that a vote for Archuleta would be a vote for terror. Tiffany Shuler, age 13, of White Plains, New York, issued a statement on behalf of herself, and her best friends forever, Amber Waletsky and Shawnia James. "David Archuleta is an appeaser and as we learned from the example of Neville Chamberlain surrendering the Sudetenland to Hitler in 1938, appeasement does not work.  Plus, David Cook is like, so totally hot! He rocks!" 

Producers of the talent show went out of their way to stress that Mr. Archuleta had not sought out the endorsement of the extremist group, saying that, "David Archuleta has absolutely no connection with any form of state-sponsored terrorism and in fact does not even know where Israel and Palestine are on the map." 

 The controversy over Mr. Yousef's remarks threatened to overshadow the war of words set off by his previous statements expressing a preference for Senator Barack Obama in the U.S. presidential elections. There was some speculation that the Islamic fundamentalist group was, in fact, trying to frighten voters away from Mr. Archuleta by tying him closely to a group that the U.S. has declared a terrorist organization. This line of reasoning is based on rumors that the Hamas leadership, like Ms. Shuler, has come to the conclusion that  Mr. Cook does indeed, "rock."

Mr. Yousef concluded the press conference by also indicating Hamas' preferences for Dancing With The Stars and the Tony Awards. "If Kristi doesn't win, we're going to be very upset," he said. "I mean, did you see her tango last week?" In the Tonys, he said Hamas favors Xanadu, adding, "We just like kitsch, what can I say?" He also expressed the group's pleasure at Whitney's being named America's Next Top Model. 

Whatever his motivation, the Hamas spokesman seemed genuine in his admiration for the American Idol show. "One reason we might consider peace talks is so we can all go to Hollywood for a taping. It would be great to meet Ryan and Paula and Randy. We dig them all so much. Except for Simon. He's mean."

  

Eyes On The Prize

Bush, Seeking Peace in Mideast

Threatens War With Sweden

President Bush issued a called for peace, "somewhere, anywhere."

Richieville News Service – JERUSALEM

With the clock ticking on his presidency and frustrated with the slow pace of Mideast peace negotiations, President George Bush today threatened to invade Sweden if he was not immediately awarded the Nobel Prize.

"I'm a peace maker," he said, speaking to reporters here on the first leg of his five-day, three-country Middle East trip. "Peace makers make peace. That's what they do. And then they get one of those noble prizes on account of how noble they been. Well, where's my prize?"

Mr. Bush went on to say that he had already brought peace, democracy and freedom to Iraq. "That alone ought to get me a prize. I mean, Al Gore got one just for a stupid slide show. Plus, climate change wasn't even real when he made that thing. It was just a lucky guess. I tell you, if the Supreme Court gave out these noble prizes, I'd have about six of 'em by now."

The President expressed his displeasure with the fact that chances for a quick peace accord seem dim. "When I was here back in January, I told you people that there was going to be peace before I left office in 2009. Well, what about it? It just don't seem like anyone has been doing anything to make that happen. Don't you people have any consideration for me? Don't you know I'm the President?"

Mr. Bush dismissed the recent fighting in Lebanon, the worst in decades, as inconsequential. "Birth pangs of democracy," he said, in a folksy twang. "That's what you get when you give birth. You get pangs. You give birth, then you get pangs. Birth – pangs. You see what I'm talking about?"

He then repeated his intention of launching a military attack on Sweden. "They got my prize and if they don't send it over, well, we're just going to have to go get it. And if those peaceniks try to resist, I say, 'Bring it on.'" A reporter pointed out that an attack on Sweden might be futile since the Nobel Peace Prize is awarded in the neighboring country of Norway. 

"Sweden, Norway, Sunni, Shia – whatever," the President shrugged. "As long as I get to bring that trophy back to my ranch." He then concluded with an impassioned call for peace. "I gotta have peace somewhere, anywhere, and I only got seven more months to get it. You people better get your act together. That's not asking too much, is it? All I am saying, is give me a chance!"

We're Going To Iraqiland!

Pentagon to Rebuild Iraq In U.S.

Theme Park Planned for Washington, Not Baghdad

Drawing of planned amusement park and resort where, "you'll be greeted like a liberator."

Richieville News Service– WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Pentagon confirmed today that it had indeed commissioned plans for a $5 billion Iraqi- themed resort but said the site of the proposed development was Washington, D.C., not Baghdad.  

"We said we were going to rebuild Iraq, and that's what we're going to do," said Maj. General George Stanley, commander of the Army Corp of Engineers' theme park division. "We're just not going to rebuild it in Iraq."

Iraqiland, the name of the new luxury resort and amusement park, will rise on the site of East Potomac Park, a spit of land in the Potomac River, not far from the Jefferson Memorial. It will include family-oriented, Iraqi-themed rides such as "Topple the Statue," "Pirates of Blackwater," and "You Stand Up, I'll Sit Down."

The plans for the development were first reported in the British newspaper The Guardian which said, apparently erroneously, that a golf course, shopping malls, a luxury hotel and skateboard ramps were to be built inside Baghdad's Green Zone. 

"Of course we're not building it there," scoffed General Stanley. "Have you seen Baghdad lately?  It looks like a war zone."

The general said the Army had rejected earlier plans to divide the park into areas called Shialand, Sunniworld, Kurdistan and Sadr City, after finding that those names were already taken. They settled instead on Democracyland, Freedomworld and Oilville. 

"Iraqiland will give Americans the chance to experience Iraq the way it should be experienced," the general stated. "In Iraqiland you'll be able to visit the tourist shop bazaar without armed guards and find weapons of mass destruction whenever you look for them." He added that another benefit of the Washington site was that electricity would be available for the rides more than three hours a day. He said he expected the theme park to be especially popular with high-ranking members of the current administration.

"I understand the President and Vice President have both bought season passes," he said. He added that he hoped that visiting the park would ease the process of transition for them when they left office next year. 

Construction on the park is to begin immediately, as soon as no-bid contracts can be awarded to Halliburton and KBR. Although the $5 billion price tag might seem high, the general said the public should rest assured it would not be a drain on taxpayers.  "Oh, it will pay for itself, we're sure of it." 

She's No Pansy

Senator Clinton Chews Off Own Leg

Vows To Keep Hopping Until Convention

 

Senator Clinton immediately after the leg-chewing incident.

Richieville News Service – Shepherdstown

As a crowd of  supporters in this West Virginia town looked on in horror this morning, Senator Hillary Clinton, her pantsuit caught in the door of her SUV as she arrived for a rally, quickly turned around and bit off her own foot. She then proceeded to hop unaided to the podium in front of the local VFW hall, where she grasped the lectern and defiantly addressed the stunned  gathering.

"That's the type of candidate I am, and that's the kind of president I'll be," she said, while Secret Service agents frantically tried to staunch the bleeding from her self-inflicted wound, "I won't let anything stand in my way, not even my own extremities!"

  The throng of several hundred mainly white, mainly working class, mainly gun-toting, mainly beer-swilling women over 65  responded to this unprecedented show of grit with wild, almost ecstatic cheers. The candidate, clearly enjoying the outpouring of enthusiasm, added, "I told you I was a fighter. Well, I have news for you - I'm a biter , too!"

Although the moment was almost certainly unscripted and seemed to catch her staff off guard, by the next campaign stop they were already prepared with visual aids, distributing mannequin feet to the crowd for Ms. Clinton to autograph, much as she had signed boxing gloves at previous rallies. Her supporters had apparently heard of the incident and were clearly relishing it.

"That's what I love about Hillary," said Elmira Worthington, 72. "She knows how to take a punch – or a severed limb. She's suffered through so much abuse. That's why she'll make a great president."

In Washington, long-time Clinton advisor James Carville amended an earlier comment he had made about Mrs. Clinton's toughness. "When I implied she had three balls, I was clearly wrong," he said in his characteristic Cajun drawl. "She must have like a dozen. Now that's  what I call a stump speech."

The senator renewed her fighting stance at every campaign stop in this state, the site of the next of six decisive Democratic primaries. At one point, while knocking back eight pints in a row at a local union hall, she seemed momentarily overcome with emotion. "It's so hard to be so tough," she said, with a slight tremor in her voice. She put down the shot glass in her hand in order to wipe away a tear. "All the boys gang up on me. That's why I have to obliterate them."

The largely white, largely conservative, largely blue-collar, largely latte-hating demographic which forms her base seemed to relish Clinton's increasingly aggressive, red-meat rhetoric. In nearby Clarksburg, Mary Janowicz waited patiently for the senator to arrive. She had brought along her two daughters,  age 11 and nine, to catch a glimpse of someone who might possibly be the first woman president of the United States. 

"I just wanted them to see this," she said, "because Hillary is such a great feminist role model. She's what I want them to grow up to be – a man with balls."

Why We Can't Quit

Oil Companies Adding Nicotine To Gas

Exxon/Mobil, Shell Issue Denials

Addicted to oil - more than a metaphor? 

Richieville News Service – ATLANTA

Researchers at Center for Disease Control announced today that they had found high levels of nicotine in gas sold at service stations throughout the country. The highly addictive substance, which is produced by tobacco and other plants, does not naturally occur in petroleum, nor is it a byproduct of the gasoline refining process. Oil company executives were quick to deny any responsibility.

"We have no idea how it got there," said Exxon spokesperson Sheri Lee Braithwaithe, speaking to reporters at company headquarters in Irving, Texas. "The suggestion that we would add a substance to gasoline to make consumers crave the burning of fossil fuels is simply preposterous. However, people do tell us that it makes driving much more pleasurable."

The CDC scientists stumbled upon the nicotine by accident as they were performing a series of experiments on rats relating to the transmission of flu viruses. "We had to transport the rats back and forth between two locations," explained Dr. Peter Samuelson, chief researcher on the project. "We noticed that if we used a Ford Explorer they were calm for hours after the trip. But if we used a Toyota Yaris, they ran around like crazy until we took them for a drive again."

Dr. Samuelson said his team was still studying the exact mechanism by which nicotine in gas might enter the bloodstream of drivers but he said they suspected it was simply coming out of vehicles' exhaust pipes. This would have the effect of making cars with better fuel efficiency less satisfying to drive than those with lower miles per gallon ratings.

"I just got a Honda Fit," Dr. Samuelson noted, "and though I like spending less money at the pump, afterwards I find myself driving around aimlessly for hours. I'm probably just trying to get my nicotine fix for the day."

Executives in Detroit also denied any involvement in the nicotine additive scandal, but several said privately that they wished they had thought of it.  Insisting on anonymity, one conceded that it would certainly help U.S. car manufacturers who once again have been caught unprepared as Americans switched to smaller, more fuel-efficient vehicles.  "You can buy one of those 50 mile-per-gallon hybrids," he said, "but you're going to find yourself jonesing for that big, gas burning SUV."

Meanwhile, Exxon spokesperson Braithwaite announced that next week the company would begin selling gas with three new ratings: full flavor, mild and extra light.