It's A Miracle!

Religious Leaders To Study Disappearance

Of Evil From North Korea

Dalai Lama, Pope To Confer

Why is Kim Jong Il no longer evil?

Richieville News Service –VATICAN CITY

Religious leaders and philosophers from around the world gathered here today to ponder what many are calling a true modern miracle - the sudden disappearance of evil from the country of North Korea. The communist dictatorship, long isolated and reviled as a member of the Axis of Evil, has experienced a dramatic turnaround, losing so much evil in recent weeks that U.S. President Bush declared it no longer a state sponsor of terrorism.

"We don't know how he did it," said Father Frederico Lombardi, press secretary for Pope Benedict XVI, referring to President Bush's ability to rid an entire nation of evilness. "It is a mystery of the highest order. Was it his stubborn refusal to have talks with the North Koreans, or his later acceptance of old-fashioned diplomacy? Either way, the president seems to have become an instrument for some form of divine intercession."

His Holiness the Dalai Lama was scheduled to arrive in Rome later today, along with the Patriarch of the Eastern Orthodox Church, Rabbi Shlomo Moskowitz of Jerusalem and dozens of other religious figures. They hope through prayer, meditation and the consultation of holy manuscripts in the Vatican Archives to find some way of replicating the elimination of evil in other countries and perhaps even world-wide.

As he boarded a plane in Dharamsala, India, the Dalai Lama spoke briefly with reporters. "As you know, we believe that Buddha resides in everyone," he said. "But when I heard Kim Jong Il was no longer evil you could have knocked me over with a prayer shawl."

The sole note of disapproval came from Teheran, where Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad voice his country's displeasure over what is seen there as the defection of a former Axis of Evil ally.

"We thought they were really, truly evil," Mr. Ahmadinejad said. "But it turns out they were just faking it all along, just like Libya. Evilness isn't something you experiment with in your freshman year in college, you know. Either you mean it or you don't." The Iranian leader paused and seemed to brush a tear from the corner of his eye. "We're going to be a lot more careful with the next country we let in the Axis, I promise you that."

Supreme Crew Disses Gat Laws

Crips, Bloods Hail Supreme Court Gun Ruling
Latin Kings Still Studying Decision

The Crips are strict constitutional constructionists.

Richieville News Service - COMPTON, CALIFORNIA

Two notorious street gangs, the Crips and the Bloods, held a rare joint press conference here to praise yesterday's Supreme Court ruling striking down the Washington D.C. ban on handgun ownership. 

"Yo, this is a shout out to cuz Scalia," said Robert "BK" Hayes, spokesman for the Crips. "We think his strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution is in line with the intentions of the founding fathers. And if anyone gets up in our face about it, we'll bust a cap in dat sucker!"

Standing next to him, Bloods leader Dion "Homeboy" Williams nodded in agreement. "Yeah, Madison and his crew were bringing it old school. The Second Amendment clearly states that the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." When asked by a reporter about the language in the amendment referring to well-regulated militia, Mr. Williams replied, "Motherfucker, in our reading of the text, there is no ambiguity. If the Bloods ain't a militia, then who is?"

The Bloods leader did acknowledge that over 30,000 Americans die as a result of gun violence every year, but quoted Justice Scalia's decision for the majority saying, "The enshrinement of constitutional rights necessarily takes certain policy decisions off the table." Reaching inside his red Bloods jacket, he added, "And my nine millimeter Glock says so, too! Peace out!"

Energy Crisis Update

Oil Countries Deadlocked

Should They Be Obscenely Wealthy Or Just Filthy Rich?

U.S. Secretary of Energy Samuel Bodman spoke in favor of "filthy rich."

Richieville News Service - JIDDA, SAUDI ARABIA

Hopes for a breakthrough that would halt soaring energy prices were dashed today when oil exporters meeting here could not agree on exactly how stinking rich they should be. The emergency global energy summit ended without a hoped-for agreement to increase oil production. Instead, the representatives remained deadlocked, split between those who said that rolling in dough was sufficient for them at this time and others who maintained that they needed more money than they knew what to do with. 

"It's a thorny problem," said Saudi Oil Minister Ali al-Naimi, as he headed for his gold-plated Rolls Royce. "I mean, how much is enough? Is it having money to burn, or is it having cash up the wazoo? We have a lot of expenses, you know. Those madrassas don't build themselves." 

Although the Saudis did pledge a modest rise in their oil output, other nations said they either could not or would not increase production. Rafael Ramirez, president of the Venezuelan state-owned oil company, insisted that the company, which is expected to have revenues of over $75 billion in 2008, is just, "comfortably well-off." Meanwhile, the Kuwaiti Oil Minister, Mohammed al-Olaim, would only admit  that the Kuwait Oil Company, "made a nice living."

"How much money is too much?" Mr. al-Olaim asked reporters as he boarded his solid-platinum helicopter. "When we find out, we'll let you know." 

Can You Hear Me Now?

Telecom Companies Get Wiretap Immunity

Congress To Get Free iPhones, Extra Minutes

    

Each representative will receive a brand new iPhone.

Richieville News Service-WASHINGTON, D.C.

In a striking victory for President Bush, the House of Representatives on Friday passed a bill that would give telecommunications companies immunity for their participation in the administration's warrentless wiretapping program. In return, each member of Congress will receive one of the new generation of Apple iPhones. 

Some Democrats bitterly opposed the measure, saying the companies had broken the law and violated a fundamental constitutional right to privacy. But in the end, the promise of the sleek new phone, which has the ability to take advantage of the latest high speed wireless technology, proved irresistible to the 105 Democrats who joined with Republicans to pass the bill.

"This baby is so cool," said Democratic majority leader Rep. Steny Hoyer of Maryland as he showed off his shiny, black 8 gigabyte iPhone. "Yes, AT&T took part in an illegal program to eavesdrop on Americans without a court order, aiding the Bush administration's assault on our basic civil liberties, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, but did you know this has GPS? You want directions to the nearest Starbuck's?"

Rep. Rahm Emmanuel of Illinois was equally excited about the possibilities. "It's true that with this bill there will be absolutely no accountability for six years in which major telecommunications companies aided in illegal spying on American citizens," said the congressman, who unlike Mr. Hoyer had chosen a white case for his  phone. "But with this new 3G technology, I can use my iPhone  in Europe or Asia. Look how fast it downloads my Facebook page."  

The bill, which expands the government's ability to listen to domestic conversations without a court order, now moves to the Senate.  Some senators expressed disappointment with the House version and appeared to be holding out for new Blackberrys. But leaders of both parties expressed confidence that the holdouts would come around, thanks to the iPhone's remarkably easy-to-use touch screen.

Members of both houses of Congress were given 500 extra "anytime" minutes and two-year contracts at $40 a month for basic voice services plus an additional $20 to $30 a month depending on the data features selected. The contracts include a $200 penalty for early termination, but AT&T said the company would waive that fee if a member had to resign due to scandal, indictment or to spend more time with his family. 

It's An Honor To Be Nominated

Transcript Of Remarks By Exxon CEO Upon 

Winning No-Bid Oil Contracts In Iraq

On Thursday, four Western oil companies (Exxon Mobil, Shell, Total and BP) announced that they are about to conclude a deal with the government of Iraq to return to that country after 36 years. The no-bid contracts represent the first step toward winning the rights to develop vast new oil fields in the country. Below are the remarks of Exxon CEO Len D'Eramo upon hearing of the contracts.

Wow! This is so exciting! I am completely surprised. This is a complete shock. I never thought we'd win. I can't believe this is happening. When they called our name, I had, like, an out-of-body experience. (holding up contract) This thing is really heavy. Wow! 

First let me say, it is an honor just to be considered for these contracts alongside 40 other oil companies from Russia, India and so many other countries. I mean, it's so hard to compare one oil company to another. 

Some are from countries that have troops in Iraq and some aren't. Some were kicked out when the oil fields were nationalized 36 years ago and some weren't. Some have advisors working in the Iraq Oil Ministry and some have been shut out by the US. occupation. But who's to say that one is better than another? We all know that it's the work that matters, not the trillions of dollars in windfall profits.

I have so many people to thank. There's the 82nd Airborne and the 101st Airborne and the 25th Infantry Division and the 15th Marine Expeditionary Unit. And all the guys at Halliburton and KBR, and Don Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney who really believed in us from the start, and everyone in the news media who have been so very, very kind. And Shell and BP and Total - part of this is for you! 

I know I'm leaving someone out. I should have written a list! Oh, no! They're playing the music! But I'm not finished! Oh! I want most of all to thank the American public who buys our products and supports us in so many ways. This is really for you. And ... I know there's someone else! Oh, thank you all so much! This is the best day of my life! I'm so surprised! Really!

Richieville Science News - Outer Space Edition

Fundamentalists Demand NASA Study

What Is Holding Up Sky?

What strange force is keeping the sky from falling?

In a switch, Christian fundamentalist groups have joined together to demand that NASA launch an in-depth study to determine what is keeping the sky from falling. The religious groups, which usually disdain scientific explanations for natural phenomena, said they were prompted to this unusual step by the failure of the sky to fall on Tuesday, when gay marriage became legal in California.

"There must be some kind of anti-gravity force holding it up," said Rev. Don Druckee, leader of the National Association of World O'God Churches. "We began to suspect it when the sky didn't fall after Massachusetts allowed gay marriage. Now we're certain."

Astronomers Discover Multiple Earths

Ours Is Still The Most Screwed Up

Astronomers are searching for a more screwed up planet. 

Swiss astronomers announced this week that they have discovered at least 45 Earth-like planets orbiting other stars. The newly-discovered worlds range in size from slightly larger than Earth to twice the mass of Neptune. However, the scientists were disappointed to find that none of them appear to be as screwed up as our own planet. 

"So far we have found no sign of war, poverty, global warming or rampant consumerism," said Michel Mayer of the Geneva Observatory. "But we're still looking." The researchers said they were hopeful that with the right equipment they would someday find a planet that was not only habitable, but one that had been messed up even more than ours.

"We're working day and night," Mr. Mayer said. "We humans will feel a lot better about ourselves if we can just find sentient creatures with even more destructive habits than ours. And they're out there somewhere. All we need is more time and a bigger telescope."

NASA Designs New Space Suits

Knock Offs On Sale In China

Which is the original and which is the cheap knock-off?

NASA also made news this week when it unveiled designs for new, sleeker spacesuits. The new Constellation suits are  being built specifically for lunar exploration. They will replace the model that has been in use for the last 40 years.

Inexpensive copies of the spacesuits went on sale in Shanghai on Monday, the day before NASA's announcement. To the untrained eye the copies appear identical to the NASA suits, and they are expected to carry a retail price of about $49.95 as opposed to the original, which will cost the space agency $745 million. They should be showing up in the racks of sidewalk vendors in the U.S. sometime next week. 

Editorial

FIRE! FLOOD! FOOD RIOTS!

Time For A Rate Hike, Tax Cut Or Both?

Food rioters in Bangladesh want Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke to consider a rate hike – or food.

In light of the unusual and extreme weather being experienced throughout the U.S., such as the recent HISTORIC FLOOD LEVELS plaguing the Midwest, we find ourselves wondering if it isn't time for Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke to to consider raising interest rates. It is true that in response to the MILLIONS OF HOME FORECLOSURES and fears of a TOTAL BANKING COLLAPSE, the Fed recently lowered its key funds rate to two percent. This seems to have stabilized investor confidence, at least for the time being. Yet with OIL AT $150 A BARREL, international FOOD SHORTAGES, fears of INFLATIONARY SPIRALS and RIOTS! RIOTS EVERYWHERE!!! we think it prudent to revisit the idea of a rate hike at this time.

Naturally, any changes in the key funds rate would have to be balanced with concerns about distortions in the commodities market brought on by accusations of RAMPANT SPECULATION along with the impact of DEADLY TORNADOES, WATER SPOUTS and WILDFIRES! WILDFIRES! WILDFIRES!!! There is the distinct possibility that these might weaken the economic outlook along with DROUGHT, CROP FAILURES and KILLER TOMATOES! YES, TOMATOES!! That's why we also strongly back the idea of a new round of tax cuts to stimulate the ECONOMY IN FREEFALL! RISING UNEMPLOYMENT! GAS PRICES! AND DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE KILLER TOMATOES?? It goes without saying that any tax cut must be weighed against the FREAK HEAT WAVES IN JUNE, POWER SHORTAGES, FLOODS OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS! HAIL THE SIZE OF BOWLING BALLS! STARVATION! PESTILENCE! FAMINE! WAR!

We expect Chairman Bernanke to move expeditiously and THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE! We are confident that if DEATH! DOOM! DESTRUCTION! then market forces will go to work and make the necessary corrections ensuring a soft landing some time in DON'T FORGET THE KILLER TOMATOES!!!

Never Mind

Koreans Protest "Mad Cowboys"

Government Near Collapse Due To Translation Error

Angry South Koreans say no to "mad cowboys."

Richieville News Service – SEOUL, South Korea

Tens of thousands of South Koreans took to the streets today, inflamed by mistaken reports that their government had lifted a ban on the importation of American, "mad cowboys."  Carrying signs that read "No Mad Cowboys!" and "George Bush Go Home!" over 80,000 demonstrators in central Seoul tried to march on the presidential Blue House. In response to the outpouring of anger, the cabinet of president Lee Myung-bak offered to resign.

The demonstrators did not appear to accept President Lee's explanation that the government had not lifted a ban on "mad cowboys," but on American beef, which had been banned five years ago due to fears of mad cow disease. Apparently a botched translation has led to widespread rumors that President George Bush is moving to South Korea after he leaves office next January. 

"You keep your mad U.S. cowboys," shouted protestor Hong Min-jae, as he prepared to do battle with riot police. "And your mad cows, too. We don't want either. But if we have to choose, we'll take the mad cows."

Oh, No!

GOP Solves Gas Crisis

New Cars To Run On Fear

GOP leaders promise no more worries about gas prices. 

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.

Republican Congressional leaders today proudly revealed a new automotive technology they promised would solve the country's growing oil and gas crisis. The new cars run on what the GOP leaders say is a constantly renewable energy source - human fear. 

"We realized we had an incredible untapped energy source," said House minority leader John Boehner at a news conference here. "We have found fear to be very reliable, cheap and easy to generate. Oh, and it does not contribute to global warming."

The new fear-powered cars, dubbed, "angst-mobiles,"will be able to draw on the energy generated when drivers and passengers experience strong feelings of distrust, apprehension and anxiety. The greater the number of terrified occupants, the faster the cars will go, finally giving motorists an inducement to car pool. Rep. Boehner said that fear-producing stimuli are readily available in the news media and that his party stood ready to make up any deficit that occurred.

"Terrorism, immigrants, gay marriage, fist bumps - the list of fear energy sources is endless," he explained, standing by a mock-up of one of the new vehicles. "And if people relax too much to make the cars move, we'll just raise the terror alert level. That always works."

"Now Americans can now stop worrying about gas prices," Mr. Boehner concluded. "And start worrying about everything else."

Hold Your Horses

Obama's Boomer Problem

They Just Realized He's Younger Than They Are

Barack Obama did not go to Woodstock.

Richieville News Service - BERKELEY, CA

The campaign of Senator Barack Obama, having only just secured the Democratic presidential nomination, suffered an unexpected setback today when millions of baby boomers simultaneously came to the same frightening realization – the next president of the United States might be younger than they are. This historic possibility threatens to erode the Democrat's support among a demographic seen as crucial to his victory in November - members of the 60's generation who refuse to come to grips with their age.

The reaction of Bernie Schwartz, U of C Berkeley class of '68, was typical. "I was all for the first woman president, " he said, as he listened to the local NPR station on the radio of his Volvo wagon. "And the first black man? Far out! But younger than me? That's too much change. Are you sure?"

At age 46, Senator Obama is indeed younger than members of the baby boom generation, born in the years following World War II. Having come of age protesting older authority figures, these former flower children now face the terrifying prospect of being older than those in authority.

"I just don't understand it," said Alison Johnston, 56, sobbing quietly into her latte at the Starbuck's across the street from her yoga class. Ms. Johnston was at Woodstock in 1969 when Senator Obama was seven years old. "The president is like, old, right? So if he's old and he's younger than me, that means I must be...," Her voice trailed off, seemingly incapable of finishing the sentence.

Other boomers, like Russell Keller, 59, tried to take a more defiant attitude. "So Obama is 46," he said, while handing the keys to his Prius to his 19-year-old son Free, a freshman at U of C Berkeley. "I'm still as young as I was when I protested Richard Nixon." When told that when he took office in 1969, Richard Nixon was 56 years old, Mr. Keller could only stare off into the middle distance. "I should have voted for Hillary," he remarked bitterly. "At least she's 60."

Strategists for Senator McCain's campaign were quick to seize on Mr. Obama's perceived weakness with ex-hippies and former acid heads. They believe the Republican's age, once seen as a liability, might become a selling point with liberals in mourning for their lost youth. 

"We're telling these former summer of love, bra burning, pot smoking long hairs that John McCain represents their last chance to feel like angry teenagers," said senior McCain advisor Charlie Black. "Electing McCain guarantees them at least four more years before they have to face their own mortality. Let's see Obama top that!"

For its part, the Obama campaign was not taking this new development lightly. "All you old folks are voting for McCain," said David Axelrod, the 53-year-old Obama advisor. "All us cool young people are voting for Barack Obama. If you want to be a cool young person, and I mean, really, really, really young, then vote for Barack Obama!"

Campaign Notes

McCain's Speechmaking Panned by Pundits

Disney Imagineers Plan Emergency Upgrade

Disney engineers hope to animate Senator McCain.

Richieville News Service  – BURBANK, CA

Following John McCain's widely-panned performance in a speech given last Tuesday in Kenner, Louisiana, Republican strategists have called in engineers from the Walt Disney Company for what is being termed an "emergency upgrade," to the candidate's public speaking abilities.

The Disney Imagineers, as they are called, are known for their innovative designs of theme park rides and attractions, including audio-animatronic figures of Abraham Lincoln and other American presidents. A team of the special effects wizards was being flown to McCain headquarters in Washington, where they planned to give the presumptive Republican nominee a, "more life-like" appearance.

"It's a challenge, for sure," said Stephen McQuire, one of the Imagineers, as helped load several tons of computers and robotic parts onto a chartered Boeing C-135 cargo plane. "But we're up for it. I don't know if we can get him as animated as our Grover Cleveland, but we're sure going to give it a hell of a try."

Climbing The Walls

In Act Of Penance, NY Times

Reporters Climb Building

A New York Times reporter performs an act of contrition.

Richieville News Service, NEW YORK, NY

The New York City Police announced today that contrary to earlier reports, the two men who scaled the outside of the 52-story New York Times skyscraper in Manhattan were not publicity-hungry thrill seekers. Instead they were the first of a group of Times staffers who are climbing the building as an act of penance for their failure to challenge the Bush administration's rationale for the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Today, other groups of current and former reporter-penitents were engaged in similar symbolic acts of contrition.

"We just feel so guilty," said former reporter Judith Miller as she dangled by her fingertips from the building's exterior curtain twenty-seven floors above Eighth Avenue. Ms. Miller was the author of several front page Times stories that made the administration's case for the war. She struggled to talk as she inched her way up the side of the building. "I know that my propagandistic cheerleading paved the way for the biggest foreign policy disaster in U.S. history. I'm hoping this will purge me of the terrible feelings of self-reproach that have plagued my every waking moment since then."

Down at street level, columnist Thomas Friedman readied himself to begin his own ascent of the building. He paused with his hands on the horizontal ceramic rods that form a ready-made ladder for those seeking to expiate their sins.

"I've been trying to run away from my sense of shame with all this, 'the Earth is flat,' nonsense," he said, referring to his recent book about globalization.  "I thought if I changed the topic I could erase the memory of my self-indulgent and intellectually dishonest efforts to give a liberal cover to what was really just a naked act of aggression. Alas, no. I only hope climbing this building without a safety harness will  finally give my soul some peace."

Times publisher Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr. an avid climber, waited his turn behind Mr. Friedman. "Maybe it was the McClellan book," he said, explaining the sudden urge for repentance. He was referring to former Bush press secretary Scott McClellan, whose recent book accuses the press of being too soft on him. "When a weasel like Scott McClellan accuses you of being a weak, ineffectual lap dog, then you really start doing some self-examination."

The dramatic act of atonement, with dozens of reporters, editors, publishers, fact-checkers and proofreaders all waiting their turn to climb the sides of the building, seemed to have pricked the conscience of journalists in other media outlets. Blocks away, at  Rockefeller Center, anchor Brian Williams was explaining his decision to wear a hairshirt during all future broadcasts of the NBC Evening News.

"Climbing a building feels a little lacking in the proper humility to me," he explained. "Sackcloth and ashes or a hairshirt, something that induces quiet and constant suffering, that's the way I hope to remind myself of our terrible failure to tell the American people the truth."

Meanwhile. at CNN headquarters in Atlanta, Wolf Blitzer spoke in favor of self-flagellation. "Mortification of the flesh is the only way to go," he said, as he tested the heft of several different whips and scourges. "I must feel pain to atone for the pain I have inflicted." However, Mr. Blitzer did express a wish that the period of mortification, penance and contrition not last too long. "I want to get through this so I can get back to reporting," he said, selecting a heavy birch branch. "I'm doing a piece on John McCain - he's such a maverick."

Hot Air

McCain, In New Orleans

Proposes Hurricane Defense Shield

John McCain vowed to fight hurricanes.

Richieville News Service – KENNER, LA

Seeking to distance himself even further from George Bush, Senator John McCain delivered a major address here today and vowed that the mistakes made in response to the destruction of hurricane Katrina would not be repeated under his administration. The candidate went on to propose a multi-billion dollar hurricane defense system consisting of long-range missile installations around the Gulf Coast and Caribbean. The system would, as the senator put it,"fight hurricanes and other low pressure systems and never give up, not ever."

It was not immediately clear how missiles armed with multiple warheads would be an effective defense against hurricanes or if the countries of the area, several of whom have strained relations with the U.S, would agree to the placement of the weapons on their territory.

Martin P. Thackery, a climatologist with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, was asked if such a system would be useful in stopping or at least mitigating the effects of massive tropical storms. He replied. "No." Other climate experts seemed to be in agreement with his assessment of the senator's plan. 

In spite of this, Senator McCain vowed to press on with his plan, saying, "The only way to oppose force is with force. My opponent will tell you we can't win the fight against hurricanes like Katrina, that it's time to surrender. But I can look you straight in the eye and tell you this will work. And I plan to keep at it, even if it takes a hundred years."

A Historic Night

Hillary Clinton Loses Fight For Nomination

Hillary Clinton Congratulates Herself On 2nd-Place Finish

Hillary Clinton had praise for the campaign of Hillary Clinton.

Richieville News Service – NEW YORK, NY

To mark a historic night for the Democratic Party and for the nation, Hillary Clinton took to the stage here and congratulated herself for running the first significant losing campaign by a woman for the candidacy of either major political party. Senator Clinton, addressing a room packed with supporters of the Clinton campaign, spoke with great emotion about all that Hillary Clinton has stood for during Hillary Clinton's long career. 

As the Clinton loyalists chanted, "On to Denver!" and "Hillary! Hillary!"Senator Clinton listed the many accomplishments of the campaign to elect Hillary Clinton, pointing out that it has taken the message of Hillary Clinton to every state, despite the attempts to silence the voices of the supporters of Hillary Clinton.

"So many people said this race was over five months ago," Clinton said, reminding the Clinton faithful of their determination to press on for the causes that Hillary Clinton spends her life fighting for. Senator Clinton then thanked all those who had voted for Hillary Clinton, as well as those who had prayed for Hillary Clinton and given Hillary Clinton the strength to carry on the sixteen-month campaign for the election of Hillary Clinton. She made it clear that even though she came in second, as far as Hillary Clinton was concerned, Hillary Clinton was still the best candidate. 

Standing nearby and giving Senator Clinton support were her husband, the former President Bill Hillary Clinton Clinton and Senator Clinton's daughter Chelsea Hillary Clinton Clinton. 

Vowing to spend the next few days thinking about the next steps for Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton called on those who had voted for Hillary Clinton or given money to Hillary Clinton or ever thought about Hillary Clinton or wished they had never heard the name Hillary Clinton or just can't stop repeating the words Hillary Clinton to send in their suggestions to Hillary Clinton at Hillary Clinton's website, hillaryclinton.com.

"Hillary Clinton," said Hillary Clinton. "Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton."

Then Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton to Hillary Clinton with Hillary Clinton and Hillary Clinton alongside Hillary Clinton. Also Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton.

Hillary.

Clinton. 

Hillary Clinton.

Al Gore Incites God's Wrath

Global Warming God's Punishment 

For Climate Change Theory

     

Did Al Gore cause global warming?

Richieville News Service - IOWA CITY, IA

The deadly tornadoes that have swept through the Midwest in recent weeks are God's vengeance for the, "secular humanist theory of climate change," according to Rev. Don. Druckee, pastor of the 24,000 member World of Christ megachurch here. The evangelical minister said the widespread belief that human beings could change the Earth's climate had angered the supreme deity, who was now expressing his wrath by raising global temperatures an average of 0.84 degrees Celsius. 

"God created the world and its climate," the Rev. Druckee said, speaking before the National Association of The World O'God Churches. "The idea that mere humans could alter God's climate is not only arrogant but sinful. That is why God is melting the polar ice caps and turning Kansas into a desert - to punish us for believing in global warming."

Rev. Druckee said that this punishment was similar to previous punishments the supreme being has meted out to the United States, including the destruction of New Orleans, the terrorist attack of September 11, the HIV/AIDS virus and the plague of serpents falling from the sky Mr. Druckee has predicted for August 27, 2009, 3:14 PM Eastern Standard Time. 

The outspoken minister did not deny that climate change is indeed occurring, and creating the extreme weather like the tornadoes that recently ravaged this state. However, he said the cause of the change was not carbon emissions from fossil fuels, but the blasphemy of liberals, gays and atheists like Al Gore. 

"Did anybody notice any global warming until Al Gore started going around talking about it all the time?" he demanded, to thunderous applause. "He just got God mad, boiling mad." 

Although his address was filled with fire and brimstone, the Christian fundamentalist did end on a more hopeful note. If Americans would renounce the, "false prophet," of climate change, then, Rev. Druckee promised, God would relent and end global warming. 

"It's simple," he said in closing. "If you want to end global warming, all you have to do is stop believing in it."