John Thumb

McCAIN SHRINKS, DISAPPEARS

Two-Inch High Candidate Lost In Flower Bed

Secret Service agents searching for the Republican candidate.

Richieville News Service -WASHINGTON, D.C.

A spokesman for the campaign of Senator John McCain revealed today that the Republican presidential candidate had begun shrinking days ago and was now missing due to the carelessness of a campaign staffer. At turns tearful and defiant, campaign manager Rick Davis said the Arizona senator was last seen falling from the pocket of a senior aide, where he had been put for safekeeping.

"It all started when Obama went to Iraq," Mr. Davis told reporters. He said that at first, the campaign had tried to hide the senator's loss of stature by having him stand on a series of boxes, but his condition soon proved too hard to conceal. "He just kept getting smaller and smaller, with each new country Obama visited, till finally, after that speech in Berlin, he was no bigger than my thumb." 

While Mr. Davis spoke, Secret Service agents could been seen combing a large flower bed outside of campaign headquarters. Officials held out hope that Mr. McCain's experience as a combat pilot and prisoner of war would help him survive attacks by ants, bees or earthworms. 

"I know he's trying to contact us," Mr. Davis said, "It's just that his voice is so high and squeaky, kind of like Alvin and the Chipmunks. But we all believe he's going to make it - as long as he doesn't run into any cats."  

Identity Crisis

Obama Or Osama?

Amazingly, People Of The Middle East

Have No Trouble Telling Them Apart

Somehow Afghan President Hamid Karzai knew this wasn't Osama Bin Laden.

Richieville News Service - KABUL, AFGHANISTAN

The surprising results of a new poll released today show that the people of the Middle East, unlike some Americans, have absolutely no trouble distinguishing between Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama and the al-Qaida terrorist mastermind, Osama bin Laden. Close to 100 percent of adults in Afghanistan, Iraq and Jordan seem to be able to grasp that the two men, although having somewhat similar names, are actually different people. In fact, by an overwhelming margin, those contacted for the poll seemed perplexed by the question.

A typical response was that of Abdoul Kabir, a street vendor in Kabul, who said, in English, "What are you, some kind of moron?" Standing nearby, his cousin, Farouk Nejrabi, nodded in agreement. "Everyone knows Barack Obama is a Christian," he said. "You ever hear of Reverend Wright? From his church? Like, duh!"

Their sentiments were echoed elsewhere in the region. In Jordan, where Senator Obama recently met with King Abdullah, the vast majority believe that there is a significant difference between the ruthless leader of international jihad and the junior senator from Illinois. Furthermore, a random sampling of opinion indicated that no one had the slightest difficulty in telling them apart.

"Osama bin Laden is a terrorist," Mohammed al-Tabba explained patiently, while sitting at the wheel of his taxi in Amman. "Barack Obama was a community organizer on the south side of Chicago. Now do you get it?"

When pressed, Mr. al-Tabba admitted that Senator Obama's last name and Mr. bin-Laden's first name are pretty similar. Still, he maintained that any fairly intelligent person could avoid mixing them up. "Look, " he pointed out with just a trace of exasperation. "You had two presidents named George Bush. Do you have trouble telling them apart?"

It is not clear why the people of the troubled region do not suffer from the same confusion as many Americans. But Mr. al-Tabba had a theory. "You know, people here have suffered through war and civil war and invasion and civil disorder and poverty, but we have one big advantage over the people of the United States. We don't get Fox News."

Border Trouble

Iraq-Pakistan Border Situation Grave

Czechoslovakia To Send Troops

The Iraq-Pakistan border conflict threatens to spread to other regions.

Richieville News Service - BABYLONIA

The situation along the border between Iraq and Pakistan, first reported by Senator John McCain, grew more serious today, alarming foreign policy experts who maintain that the border does not exist. The crisis threatened to spill over into the neighboring countries of Iceland and Argentina and worried observers as far away as Siam and Rhodesia.

Czechoslovakia, often cited by Senator McCain and which ceased to be a nation in 1993, offered to send troops to the troubled region and said its armored brigade would be joined by a cavalry regiment from the Holy Roman Empire and several legions from Carthage, although the latter could not be confirmed. The hope is to keep the Iraq-Pakistan border dispute from disrupting trade along the Silk Road to Cathay as well as stop raids by marauding bands of orcs from Mordor.

Senator McCain said in a statement released today that his knowledge of the situation along the Iraq-Pakistan border showed that he, and not his rival, Senator Barack Obama, has the foreign policy experience to successfully end the conflict between Mesopotamia and the thirteen colonies.

Richieville Lifestyle Tips

Americans Embrace Idea Of "Time Horizon"

Can You Make It Work For You?

Following the leadership of President Bush, millions of Americans have enthusiastically replaced their outmoded "deadlines" and "timelines" with the latest trend in time management - the general time horizon. As the president demonstrated just last week, a strict and rigid timetable for getting things done may not be the best approach to solving problems, whether it's household finance or getting out of a five-year-old land war in Asia. 

In place of an unforgiving and stress-producing timeline, Mr. Bush suggested instead  a "general time horizon" for withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq. You might not think so at first glance, but that little phrase is more than a rhetorical device used by the president to avoid admitting the complete failure of his previous policy. It just might be your key to a happier and more carefree life. How does it work? Here are some tips for putting a time horizon on your horizon. 

* Tell your bank or mortgage holder that you are switching from a monthly payment "deadline" to a more flexible payment time horizon. Explain that the transfer of your payment is an aspirational goal, one that will require effort on both sides to meet.

* At your next AA or 12-step meeting, stand up and announce that you have adopted a time horizon for giving up your addiction to glue sniffing and prescription pain killers. Make it clear that a strict timetable, such as quitting right away, does not allow for adjustment for developments "on the ground."

* Schedule a meeting with your boss to discuss setting a general time horizon for your arrival at work each day. Remember, what's important is that you agree on the mission, not when it starts or ends.

* Use time horizons when cooking or baking! That turkey will come out of the oven when people are ready to eat it - not sooner, not later.

* Tell your ex-spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend that you cannot set a firm timetable for moving out of the apartment. Setting a withdrawal date will only embolden them to begin another (probably destructive) relationship that much sooner.

* On your next night out, don't consult the movie timetables. Instead, use a general time horizon to plan when you get to the theater. If the movie has already started, even if it's almost over, stay the course and see it anyway.

See how easy it is? You can also use time horizons when refilling your gas tank or walking the dog or feeding the baby. There are hundreds, if not billions of ways to use time horizons in your everyday life. Try one and see. Get started today - or tomorrow, or whenever.  Whatever you're doing may not be on time, but it will definitely be on the horizon!

Richieville News Primate Edition

SPAIN GRANTS CIVIL RIGHTS TO APES

Move Sets Off Worldwide Rights Shortage

Is this next?

Richieville News Service - MADRID, SPAIN

A resolution passed by the Spanish Parliament granting some human rights to apes has inadvertently set off a worldwide humans rights crisis. Governments across the globe now say that rights they had planned to extend to human beings are being taken instead by gorillas, chimpanzees and other primates. 

"We were going to allow free and fair elections, giving everyone the right to vote, but now we can't," said General Than Shwe, chief of Myanmar's ruling military junta. "Instead we had to give those rights to a bunch of orangutans. I guess I'll just have to go on being a dictator. Darn it!"

In Zimbabwe, a spokesman for President Robert Mugabe echoed the Myanmar strongman's sentiments. "We were just about to stop hacking off the arms and legs of the opposition party," George Charamba told reporters in Harare. "Too bad all the democracy got used up by chimpanzees." 

Spanish legislators insisted that their resolution, which is designed to protect apes from experimentation and exploitation, would have no effect on the availability of rights for human beings. But their arguments were strongly rebutted by government officials in dozens of countries who insisted that there was a finite amount of civil liberty in the universe. 

Among those citing the rights for apes measure was the Ministry of Justice in Saudi Arabia, which said it was shelving a plan to grant women the right to drive cars so bonobos could have better conditions in zoos. In Russia, President Dmitry Medvedev told reporters that he was forced to continue shutting down news shows critical of the government in order to allow gorillas the right to free speech. 

At the U.S. detainee prison in Guantanamo, Cuba, military officials had a somewhat different reaction. "We never realized apes should have due process under the law," said chief prosecutor Lt. Col.  Jake Manfried. "Does that mean they can be held as enemy combatants?"

Reporters seeking a representative of the ape viewpoint were disappointed when Bongo, a chimpanzee at the Madrid Zoo, refused comment. He did however, bare his teeth and throw feces at anyone who came near his cage.  

Bailout Bonanza

FED BAILS OUT BERNIE MAC

Comedian Gets Check For $1.5 Trillion

One bail out too many?

Richieville News Service-WASHINGTON, D.C.

In its zeal to rescue the floundering mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the Federal Reserve Bank has also bailed out actor and comedian Bernie Mac, sending him a check for $1.5 trillion. An agency spokesman said the error was a clerical mistake.

"Look, we're working really long hours," said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, speaking to reporters here. "Everyone's a little frazzled, so mistakes like this are going to happen."

Mr. Bernanke went on to explain that the Fed policy is to bail out banks and financial institutions that have been mismanaged, engaged in dubious business practices or swindled and defrauded large sections of the population. "Obviously, Mr. Mac doesn't fall into that category," he admitted. "Although we really enjoyed his work in Ocean's Thirteen."

Public reaction to the Bernie Mac bailout has been mixed. Although most Wall Street analysts felt it would not help the sinking stock market, some taxpayers welcomed the move.

"I'm sick of having to pay billions because some rich banker thought he could do whatever he wanted and the U.S. taxpayer would foot the bill," said Marvin Tolpuddle, a sanitation worker in Columbus, Ohio. "At least Bernie Mac makes me laugh. Did you see The Original Kings of Comedy?"

Mr. Mac made headlines just last week for an off-color performance at a fundraiser for presidential candidate Barack Obama. The actor could not be reached for comment, but through a spokesman released this statement: "I'd like to thank the American public for this wonderful validation of my work. It means so much to me. And I want to remind everyone who contributed to my bailout to tune in to my new sitcom, called Starting Under, this fall on Fox. I don't know if it's worth $1.5 trillion but it's funnier than the credit crisis, that's for sure."

Promise Progress

G8 Leaders' Annual Promise To Save 

The Planet Is Even Better Than Last Year's

Leaders of the G8 nations after their historic promises.

Richieville News Service - RUSUTSU, JAPAN

In an atmosphere of festive self-congratulation, the leaders of the group of eight industrialized nations today announced their most far-reaching promises ever, far surpassing even the bold promises made at last year's meeting. Experts in international policy said the pledges set a new standard in assurances,vows, proclamations and letters of intent that would be difficult if not impossible to match. 

"We are very proud of what we have accomplished here," said Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda of Japan. "Last year we promised to seriously consider reducing greenhouse gases. This year we have promised to reduce greenhouse gases by 50%.  Of course, we didn't say by 50% of what, but still that's a mighty impressive promise, don't you think?"

Mr. Fukuda was referring to the fact that the G8 leaders did not say if they had pledged to reduce carbon emissions from today's levels or from  the 1990 levels specified in the Kyoto accords. "Levels, shmevels," scoffed French President Nicolas Sarkozy. "The important thing is we pledged to reduce them. We can iron out the details when we make our big promises next year."

Many observers pointed out that President Bush, who has strenuously resisted making any promises to do something about climate change, had finally agreed to pledge to take action. At this meeting he promised, along with the other leaders,  that the G8 countries would absolutely begin taking steps to reduce carbon emissions as long as China, India and other developing economies agreed to so, too.

"I'm the decider," Mr. Bush said, while giving British Prime Minister Gordon Brown a wedgie, "and I've decided to do something about this here global warmness, but only if Hu Jintao decides first." He was referring to President Hu Jintao of China. "I just hope he can get me tickets to the U.S. - China basketball game."

President Angela Merkel of Germany was quick to point out that besides vowing to do something about climate change, the leaders had made promises about many other pressing world problems. "We promised to do something about world food shortages," she said as she left the dining hall where the leaders had feasted on an 18-course banquet. "And we promised to do something about poverty in Africa, too. I know that promises alone won't solve anything, but whatever we don't solve at this meeting, we'll talk about at our next meeting. I promise."

Richieville Torture News

CIA, Army Use Chinese Torture Methods 

Domestic Pain Industry Cries Foul

 

U.S. torturers say their methods are just as good.

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.

The U.S. security community remained stunned today following reports that the CIA and the military used Chinese torture methods to interrogate detainees at Guantanamo Bay and elsewhere. American torturers, interrogators and security contractors voiced their objection to what is seen as a slap in the face to the U.S. pain-infliction industry. Among private contractors and within the government, the use of foreign torture systems over domestically produced methods is being sharply criticized as unpatriotic and un-American.

"The U.S. is second to none when it comes to mistreating prisoners," said Duke "Gouger" Smithson, formerly of the Blackwater private security firm. "To go and use abusive techniques from other countries, taking jobs away from American torment designers, especially with the economy the way it is? Well, that's just immoral."

American torture experts were shocked to learn that the Chinese interrogation methods were originally developed to elicit false confessions from U.S. prisoners of war in Korea. "When I heard that, it was like someone had attached electrodes to my genitals," remarked Butch "Nutcracker" Cooper, who said he could tell reporters who he worked for, but then he would have to kill them. "I mean, who is better at getting false and useless information out of suspects than we are?"

Former Navy SEAL, CIA agent and monster truck driver Leslie "Sleep Deprivation" Howard worried that unfair foreign competition might be a body blow to the American agony industry, "Those Chinese torture experts work for peanuts," he complained. "How are we supposed to compete with that? You know the boards used for waterboarding? I bet the CIA is buying those in China, too!" 

An Offer They Can't Refuse

McCain Offers Country Protection

Cites Fear That "Something Could Happen"

John McCain knows where you live.

Richieville News Service –WASHINGTON, D.C.

In a major policy speech today, Senator John McCain declared that the United States faced many threats both at home and abroad and in response to those threats, the candidate offered the country protection. Although Mr. McCain refused to name the threats or say exactly how he would protect the country, he repeated emphatically that only by accepting his offer could Americans feel safe.

"Terrible things happen all the time," the Senator said, speaking to reporters at one in the morning in a parking lot behind a liquor store here. "Like, I don't know, like maybe a terrorist attack. It could be something like that. Or maybe a rogue state. You never know."

When asked by reporters to explain the consequences if the country refused his offer, Mr. McCain replied, "You all have such beautiful children. I'd hate to see something happen to them."

The speech was unusual in the stringent security measures used to screen members of the press. Cameras and other electronic recording devices were confiscated beforehand and reporters were asked repeatedly if they were wearing a "wire."

Mr. McCain stated that his Democratic rival, Senator Barack Obama was just not capable of protecting the people of the U.S. from grievous bodily harm. He also acknowledged that some voters might spurn his offer in spite of his clear warning not to do so. "Sure you have the right to vote for the other guy," he said, grinning broadly. "And I'm not saying that if you do, something terrible is going to happen. I'm just saying, it could happen, you know?"

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