Friday, June 25, 2010

Tab A, Slot B

Legos: Satan's Plaything?
Pastor Says Plastic Blocks Promote Gay Marriage










Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.
Rev. Roy Sowerberry,  president and founder of the Family Defense Conference, a national conservative lobbying group, sent shockwaves through the toy industry today with his charge that Legos, the popular plastic building blocks, promote a liberal, homosexual lifestyle due to the multiple ways in which the individual blocks can be connected. The evangelical minister said that the plastic blocks encouraged, "cultural relativism," and weakened family values by teaching children that there is more than one acceptable way for things to fit together.

"It's just like Mike Huckabee said recently," the minister told reporters at his group's headquarters here.  "Let me quote him because he put it so well. 'Male and female are biologically compatible to have a relationship. We can get into the ick factor, but the fact is that two men in a relationship, two women in a relationship, biologically, that doesn't work the same.'"

"Mike Huckabee is right," Rev. Sowerberry continued. "God has made it clear how he wants man and woman to fit together. But Legos fit together all kinds of ways: sideways, diagonally, one on top, three on the bottom or the other way around. There's no limit to the ways they stick into each other. What message does that send to children?"

At this point in his remarks, the  minister took some of the toy blocks out of his pocket and demonstrated different positions to reporters. Upon questioning, he said the blocks were from his personal collection which he kept for, "research purposes only."

"Legos look innocent," he stated, "but they are more devious than they appear.  You might think those little round things on top fit into the round tubes on the bottom, but that's not how they work at all.  The little round things fit into the space between the tubes and the walls. You can't even tell what shape that is!"

He also pointed out that Legos are made in Denmark, which was the first country to legalize same-sex unions and where gay people are allowed to serve openly in the military. 

"And that's exactly the same anything-goes mentality these toys teach," he said. holding up a fistful of the brightly-colored blocks. "Just look how I can snap this big green one into this yellow one and this black one at the same time. You just can't keep yourself from experimenting."

Rev. Sowerberry said the Family Defense Conference would soon be introducing its own competing line of building blocks, Heterolegos, which would fit together in only one way. "Our blocks will offer no temptation to try things differently, just to see what it would be like," he added. "Because it will be clear that there is one and only one way they can fit together - just as God intended." 

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

13 comments:

lrahip said...

I could not agree more. I am throwing my Legos out, late at night, so none of my obviously gay neighbors will not draw any wrong conclusions.

Richie said...

Dear lrahip, You don't have to throw them out - just exert some will power and don't play with them.

Knightkat said...

Oh so it was my Legos that made me Gay!!!! OMG...I finally see the light I better get me some Heterologs. Gee and this whole time i thought it was my rice crispies...I guess the people from Denmark rubbed thier gay on it and I caught it. Does this mean that Heterologs come from Iran...because we all know there are no gay people there...There President said so. Normally I am not this sarcastic...but seriously! Whats next...Lincoln Logs, Teddy Ruxpin?

kevin cassidy • kazz[blog] said...

clearly you are a closet gaylord

-Aaron said...

You've got to be fucking kidding me. I've played with legos for the last quarter of a century and I'm not gay. You're a spineless, useless human being. It's your breed of closed minded stereotypical hatred that is the problem with the world we live in today. I'm not a god fearing man, but even if I were, I'd still pray for you to meet a swift demise. Keep in mind it's Legos and the other creative media that you fear that inspired the ingenuity which brought you everything in life that makes it so simple for you to propagate your poisonous gospel. I hope you get cancer.

Kevin Bergin said...

How long until they catch this guy coming out of the Lego store and he says he was doing "Research"?" I like how he had them on hand to show his parishioners... you know he's experimented a time or two, maybe back in college or something. For the record, Legos are also made in Massachusetts... wait that doesn't help refute his theory any.

Richie said...

@-Aaron
Uh, you do know this is satire, right? Or maybe your comment was your own satire?

Carla said...

Geesh! I hate to think of the damange from years of playing with Lincoln Logs. And stay away from those freakish coloured alphabet blocks!

imryan8 said...

Wow. This guy is clearly grasping for straws. I especially liked the line "You just can't keep yourself from experimenting." It's true!! It's because I played with Legos and "experimented" with them that I'm gay. It finally all makes sense!

BMS67 said...

LOL!!!!!That is to funny!!!!I guess that is one way to sell your product.

RahulB said...

WOW, I cannot believe how insensitive people can be. He`s totally right, I`m gay because I play with Legos.

gaysexpert said...

I always keep my lincoln log close at hand. Right 'tween my leg-os! gaff-hah!!

Andrea D'Intino said...

In my country legos are a great success and we have very good sexy time with them.
Greatings from the Great Republic of Kazakhstan.