A Shonda

ISRAEL ATTACKED!

After Killing Eleven On Aid Ships

Richieville News Service - HAIFA

The nation of Israel was the suddenly and brutally attacked today, facing aggression on all sides as its enemies continued to question or even criticize its unprovoked massacre of unarmed peace activists in international waters. The attacks on the Jewish state continued unabated, and threatened to stretch into more than one news cycle, even after Israeli officials expressed regret over the deaths of the activists, who were aboard a flotilla bringing humanitarian aid to the people of the Gaza Strip. The unprovoked attack on Israel brought words of fierce condemnation from members of the international diplomatic community.

"Why is everything always our fault?" said Fanny Glembotski, President of the  West Palm Beach Haddasah. "It's not Israel's fault that those civilians, including a Nobel Peace Laureate and dozens of  legislators from numerous countries, were unarmed. Everyone is always ganging up on us."

Ms. Glembotski was also scathing in her criticism of Jewish peace activists who  were siding with Israel's enemies during this crisis. "They should be ashamed of themselves," she said. "Do their parents know what they're doing?"

Rabbi  Fishel Jacobs, of the lobbying group ACSINMW (American Committee To Support Israel No Matter What) issued a statement. "Although the sequence of events leading to the tragic loss of life is still unknown, and may in fact be unknowable, Israel clearly had no choice but to pursue a course, whatever it was, which led to this regrettable incident, whatever it was. And although we're still not sure exactly what happened, we're sure the Israeli actions, if there were any, were completely justified."

You Asked, We Told

Army Comes Out - Marines, 

Navy Still In The Closet

Coast Guard Says It's "Experimenting," 

Thinks It Might Be Bi

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.

Although the measure to repeal the policy known as "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" has not yet passed the Senate, and would face months of Pentagon review before being implemented, it seems that large numbers of service members have decided this is the opportune time to reveal their homosexual orientation, including the entire 1st Infantry Division stationed at Fort Riley, Kansas,  the 1st Armored Division, at Weisbaden, Germany and the 82nd Airborne, Fort Bragg, North Carolina. Reports indicated that numerous other units had also "come out", including the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Brigade Combat Teams at Fort Stewart, Georgia and elements of the 10th Mountain Division, Fort  Drum, New York.

"Oh, yeah, we're all gay," said Lt. Jesse McCullum, of the 82nd Airborne. "We decided not to wait any longer before coming out. You got a problem with that?"

Officials at the Pentagon, who have acknowledged for some time that tens of thousands of gay men and women were in the armed services, nonetheless seemed caught off guard by the revelation that the vast majority of soldiers are homosexual.

"We had no idea," said Lt. Colonel Matthew D. Forest at the Pentagon. "I guess this solves our whole implementation problem. By the way, I'm gay, too. And the guys who've been enforcing Don't Ask, Don't Tell? All gay. They were just overcompensating to hide it."

When asked how this new openness would affect Army effectiveness, Lt. Colonel Forest replied, "Not one bit - we'll just have one less thing to worry about. I just wish the Marines would come out already. They're such wimps."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Happy Days Are Here Again

RECESSION IS OVER!

Credit Crisis Solved By 

New Jersey Accountant

World Rejoices • Blue Skies Ahead

Richieville News Service- PARSIPPANY

Spontaneous celebrations broke out in major cities and small hamlets across the globe as the news spread that Rav Sengupta, an accountant from Parsippany, New Jersey, had solved the looming credit crisis that has been threatening the world economy and in doing so, had set the human race on a path toward new heights of prosperity. Mr. Sengupta, a graduate of Ramapo State College, said he found the solution quite by accident while playing around with a new version of the spreadsheet program, Excel.

"I was just messing around, looking at my Facebook page, shopping on iTunes and texting to a friend of mine while I was checking out the new features in Excel," he explained via Twitter. "And I realized how easy it was to shift numbers from one column to another and I thought , 'Hey, this would work for the credit crisis!'"

Mr. Sengupta's brainstorm, in its simplest form, was to shift the debts accrued over the past decade from one column to another on the world balance sheets. 

"After all," he told this reporter, via Skype, "that's what the debt crisis is, really - just a bunch of numbers on a spread sheet. If you know enough about accounting, you can shift them around any way you want."

The Nobel Prize committee, meeting in a special session in Stockholm, announced that they had awarded the New Jersey business major a combined Nobel Prize in Economics and Peace. In their announcement, the committee said, "Mr. Sangupta, though his hard work, and with only occasional breaks to browse through clips on YouTube, has shown how the world economic crisis can be solved by shifting the debt from working people who would lose their jobs, their homes, their health care and their retirement savings to banks and bankers who now will lose, well, basically nothing. Now the debts are all cleared and we can start over. Problem solved!"

On Wall Street, the news  of the resolution to the crisis was met with good-natured resignation. "Yeah, we knew about that solution," said Goldman Sachs executive Carl Veneering. "We were just hoping no one else would figure it out. But since you have, what the heck, enjoy it. We can always make the money back next year."

For more Richieville humor, read the sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Parallel Universes

Lost Fans Clash 

With Tea Party Activists

Fight Over Whether Obama's Birth 
Certificate Was On The Island

Richieville News Service - CHARLOTTE, NC

What began as a heated discussion in a downtown bar grew into a violent street brawl  as hundreds of fans of the now-ended TV series Lost faced off with members of local Tea Party organizations. The disagreement apparently was sparked by conflicting parallel universe theories held by the two groups, including  whether the phrase "moving on," used by characters in the series finale, referred to a multi-faith afterlife or was in fact a subliminal plug for the liberal activist group, MoveOn.

"They started it," claimed Thomas Hobbes, who said he had been attending a Lost viewing party at J.J. Rousseau's, a local cajun-style bar and eatery.  A number of Tea Party adherents were there at the same time, reportedly to discuss the ways in which health care reform is not constitutional.  According to eyewitnesses, the two groups quickly found that their alternate views of reality were not compatible.

"Someone asked where the series was shot and we told them Hawaii," Mr. Hobbes told this reporter. "So then this Tea Party guy said that President Obama wasn't born in Hawaii. So we told them that was nuts. So then he said that it was nuts to think that the island could be moved in space and time just by turning a donkey wheel at the island's base. So we said what was really nuts was thinking that the federal government couldn't outlaw discrimination in private enterprise. That really ticked them off."

According to Sergeant Voltaire of the Charlotte Police Department, the argument quickly spread into the street where the opposing sides hurled insults and the occasional beer bottle at each other.  

"The Lost fans got pretty steamed when the Tea Party crowd claimed the crash survivors had been dead all along," Sgt. Voltaire said. "But then Lost fans said that Social Security doesn't violate the Tenth Amendment and the Tea Party group really went off the deep end. That's when we called for reinforcements."

According to the police, in spite of the hours-long standoff there were few reported injuries.  "We were lucky," said Sgt. Voltaire. "Imagine if they had been fans of 24."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Can You See Them Now?

Highway Paint Shortage Forces

Use Of Virtual White Lines

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.

An acute shortage of traffic paint has forced state and federal transportation officials to resort to the unusual step of replacing actual white lines on roads and highways with virtual ones. 

"We ran out of paint last week, " said Martha Vandella, a maintenance supervisor for the California Department of Transportation,"so we contacted Google and asked them to put a stripe on Google Maps." 

The problem is the result of a shortage of a key ingredient in traffic striping paint, methyl methacrylate. Manufacturers of the compound, including Dow Chemical, are scrambling to increase production. In the meantime, according to Ms. Vandella, drivers will have to use Blackberries, laptop computers or other Internet devices to determine the location of highway lanes.

"Of course, as usual, any phone use while driving must be hands-free," she pointed out ."And iPhone users  will have to be extra careful about staying in their lane. We all know how spotty AT&T service is. "

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci fi novel, Rate Me Red. 

Highway Robbery

New York Cab Drivers 
Dispute Ayn Rand

Have No Ideological Justification 
For Cheating Customers

Richieville News Service - New York City

Hundreds of New York City cab drivers who were caught overcharging customers continued to insist today that they had no self-justifying philosophical or political rationale for their deeds and were, in their own words, "just crooks."

"No, this has nothing to do with helping the economy grow, or creating innovation in the marketplace," said Abayomi Ede, a spokesman for the drivers, as he waited for his hearing at the Taxi and Limousine Commission. "We're just crooks. We don't have any excuses for robbing people. You must be thinking of bankers."

New York City has moved to revoke the licenses of 633 taxi drivers who together had overcharged thousands of passengers. Yet the cabbies steadfastly refuse to justify their misdeeds by placing them in the context of laissez-faire capitalism or theories of free market economics.

Mr. Ede did admit that some of the drivers had been tempted to do so. "There was  a bunch of guys in the Bronx who wanted us to read Ayn Rand," he said. "They thought we could say that charging out-of-towners ten times the legal fare was an example of ethical egoism, but we told them that concept was part of the objectivist fallacy  and suggested they read Michael Sandel instead."

"I just want to make it clear," Mr. Ede added impatiently. "That when I tell some Japanese tourist that the shortest way from JFK to Manhattan is through Hackensack, I don't think the invisible hand of the market is going to balance it out. Do I look like I work for the Heritage Foundation?  We're not Libertarians, we're not Milton Friedmanites, we don't believe in enlightened self-interest. We just like to take other people's money."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Hey, Mikey!

Quaker Oats Introduces 

New Synthetic Life Cereal

Classic, Multi-Grain And Honey Graham Versions

Richieville News Service - PURCHASE, NY

Following the news that scientists had for the first time created a synthetic form of life, Quaker Oats, a subsidiary of Pepsico, announced today that it was introducing a breakfast cereal using the new life form as its main ingredient. The cereal, a spinoff of the popular Quaker brand Life, will be marketed as a healthful, natural alternative for consumers.

"What's more natural than life?" said Ms. Velma Lammle, Quaker's Director of Marketing and Brand Awareness. "And with this delicious new breakfast choice, consumers will be able to enjoy the newest form of life on the planet."

Speaking to reporters via video conference, Ms. Lammle denied that Quaker was being premature in introducing synthetic organic material into the food chain. "Hey, what's the big deal?" she said, while holding up a prototype of the new packaging. "You're already eating genetically-modified corn and soybeans. Have you noticed a statistical increase in harmful genetic mutations? Cause we sure haven't."

Ms. Lammle said that Synthetic Life will arrive on supermarket shelves this summer. Material from the new life form will be processed and then made into crunchy bite-sized double helix and the letters A, T, C, and G for adenine, thymine, cytosine, and guanine, the molecules that form the code of DNA. Synthetic Life will also contain modified starch, maltodextrin, lactic acid, caramel color, xanthan gum, lecithin, mono-, di and tri- glycerides, monosodium glutamate, ascorbic acid and high fructose corn syrup.

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

The Turtles! The Turtles!

Sea Turtles Change Migration Route Surround BP Headquarters 

Biologists At Loss To Explain Strange Behavior

Richieville News Service - LONDON

Biologists today remain mystified over strange new migration patterns on the part of rare  Kemp's Ridley sea turtles, apparently a result of the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The turtles, natives of the Gulf, are usually guided by instinct to swim over hundreds of miles of open sea to return to the same beaches on which they were hatched. Now, however, they have journeyed across the Atlantic to St. James Square, London, where thousands of them have surrounded the headquarters of British Petroleum.

"It's quite amazing, really," said Dr. Phyllis J. Chelonia, Professor of Amphibian and Reptilian Psychology at Northumbria University. "Not only did these magnificent creatures swim over seven thousand kilometers, but they also managed to cross Piccadilly Circus without being run down." 

Dr. Chelonia and other biologists at the scene could not explain why the 100-pound aquatic animals had made the trip or for that matter, why they were ominously perched in large clusters on trees branches and utility poles.  

"Do you see the way they're balancing on those power lines?" she remarked to this reporter. "They must have some inborn gyroscopic mechanism. It's fascinating."

Ms. Melanie Daniels, sitting at the wheel of her silver Aston Martin sports car, said that she first saw the turtles when they came ashore near a pet shop in Brighton. "I had just purchased two pet turtles for this young man I know when the sea turtles waded ashore and started marching up the A23. It was like they knew where they were going."

There were reports that the first Kemp's Ridleys to arrive had thrown themselves against the glass doors of the BP office, but then retreated to their current positions on street lamps and ledges of nearby buildings. However, Dr. Chelonia scoffed at the idea that the reptiles were capable of some sort of organized attack on the corporation that had befouled their natural habitat and threatened them with extinction.

"Turtles are vegetarians and non aggressive species," she said. "In addition, they do not possess the intelligence to mount a coordinated campaign of this sort. The idea that they would menace humans is simply absurd. Besides what would they do if they did attack? Peck us to death?"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Another Financial Genius

Student Who Lied His Way 

Into Harvard Recruited 

By Goldman Sachs

Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY

Adam Wheeler, the 23-year-old student who has been accused of lying his way into Harvard University with fake transcripts, fraudulently receiving tens of thousands of dollars in financial aid, and making false statements on his applications for Rhodes and Fulbright scholarships today became the object of an intense bidding war on the part of Goldman Sachs and other investment banking firms eager to hire him.

"He's our kind of guy," said Goldman's head of human resources, Mark D. Podsnap. "After faking his attendance at Andover to get into Harvard, he plagiarized the work of a Harvard professor to apply for the Fulbright. Now, that's what we call innovation!"

Citigroup, Bank of America and several other investment banks also expressed interest in hiring the young man. The fact that he faced jail time for the charges did not appear to be a deterrent.

"Hey, as far as we're concerned if you don't have an indictment or two, you're not doing your job," said Mr. Podsnap. "Besides, have you seen this guy's phony transcript? Just think what he could do with a mortgage-backed derivative."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel Rate Me Red.

A Bit of A Bore

One Week After UK Vote

World Still Doesn't Care

Parties Promise To Be Even More Like U.S.

Richieville News Service - LONDON

A mood of gloom and despair continued to fall over the United Kingdom as the realization set in that despite their best efforts to incite controversy and create an American-style electoral circus, their national elections continued to be of  little interest to anyone else.

"I mean, really, what do we have to do?" asked Clive Thistlecourt Hamptonwood-Jones, a spokesman for the Conservative Party. "We had three debates. On television, you know.  I say, one can't really expect us to be more crass than that, can one? "

Mr. Hamptonwood-Jones pointed to other American-style touches that created quite a stir in Britain yet  failed to capture the imagination of the overseas public. "We hired American campaign advisers. Why, we even went so far as to use email. Email, I tell you!"

Mr. Leslie Piccadilly Brideshead-Devonshire, of the Liberal Democrats, was equally downcast. "When the Yanks elected Obama, the world went gaga. People were talking about it for months! Well, we just elected our first coalition government since 1972! I think that's  damned exciting, yet everyone has already forgotten about it. I don't like to complain but I feel we're not getting the attention we deserve. Oh, did I mention we have an unwritten constitution?"

At the Labour Party, leaders were in frantic consultation as they charted a course for the party's future. "We realize where we went wrong," said party spokesman Addison Tate Post-Axe. "And we have the plans to set it right. Next time we're going to nominate someone  who doesn't look exactly like the other candidates. Perhaps someone with an African-sounding name like your Mr. Obama. Or perhaps someone who is completely unqualified, shallow and only good at repeating vacuous phrases and untruths. That will get everyone's attention, don't you think?"

And Beyond!

Astronauts Defy Obama,

Head For Mars

Richieville News Service - HOUSTON

In a surprising turn of events, astronauts aboard the space shuttle Atlantis left the International Space Station a week ahead of schedule and instead of returning to Earth, set a course for Mars.

"Yeehow!" Commander Clyde "Bronco" Haverford said via radio to the mission control team in Houston. "We're a-goin' to Mars! And we ain't a-comin' back till we get us some Mars rocks!" 

Apparently the shuttle astronauts were upset about President Obama's recent decision to push back any manned expedition to Mars until the year 2035. This was to have been the shuttle Atlantis' last mission, with only two flights scheduled for the remaining two shuttle spacecraft.

In an exchange overheard by reporters at the Lyndon Johnson Spaceflight Center here, Commander Haverford expressed what he said was the crew's  unanimous decision to take this impromptu detour.

"Twenty thirty-five? Y'all gotta be kiddin' me!  I'll be too old to go. Besides, this ole gal ain't ready for the scrap heap, no sir. She's got plenty of spaceflight left in her yet."

Mr. Haverford said the crew had only docked at the Space Station to unload some unnecessary equipment and to take on a few more passengers. "Some of those Ruskies wanted to come along, so we said, get on board, pardners! Heck, they stay up here so long those boys in Moscow won't even notice they're gone."

Mission control engineers said there had been no sign of the planned Mars attempt, though one NASA spokesman did say that just before liftoff the crew had asked for a complete set of Bruce Willis movies.

When asked how the crew planned to make the three-year, 70 million-mile round trip  in a shuttle that was designed to go a few hundred miles into earth orbit,  Mr. Haverford was quick to reply, "Good ole American can do spirit, that's how. And if we run into any problems, we'll just wing it!"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Oy, Vey!

South Africa Circumcision Plan 
Creates Worldwide Mohel Shortage

Richieville News Service - JOHANNESBURG

In response to news that the government of South Africa plans to circumcise five million men, tens of thousands of rabbis from around the globe have flocked to this African nation in recent days. The rabbis, all of whom are mohels, trained to perform the Jewish circumcision ritual, have set up shop here in the capital and throughout South Africa, waiting for the anticipated, "bris boom," to begin.

Although the circumcision effort, designed to halt the spread of AIDS, was originally planned to be carried out in hospitals, the South African government seemed happy about the mohel influx. 

"Five million circumcisions is a lot," said Daniel Naidoo, a spokesman for the Department of Health. "So we're going to need all the help we can get. I just hope they're not all kosher." 

However, the sudden shift of so many mohels has created something of a crisis for international Judaism, forcing Jewish parents of newborn sons to scramble to find qualified practitioners. Mohel training institutes and rabbinical schools were adding courses to try to make up the shortfall. 

"We're training them as fast as we can," said Rabbi Kenny Solomon of Yeshiva University in New York, "but believe me, this isn't something you want to rush."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Release The Kraken!

After Perfect Quarter, Bankers 

Reveal They Are, In Fact, Gods

Deities Take Human Form To Play 
With Lives of Mortals

Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY

Executives at four of the largest U.S. banks announced today that they had just completed a perfect first quarter in which they made money every single day and in addition, that they are in fact a race of gods who have taken human form to toy with the fate of mere mortals.

"Weep and be fearful," said Edward "Thunderbolt" Wegg, of Citigroup, Inc. "For we are descended from Mount Olympus to meddle in the affairs of mankind."

Floating above reporters in a cloud chariot drawn by four naiads, or water nymphs, Mr. Wegg, or as he insisted he be addressed, CEO and Lord of The Lightning, pointed to the seemingly unstoppable profitability of the banks as proof of the executives' status as immortal descendants of the Titans Cronus and Rhea. 

"No matter what happens we make money!" he bellowed in a voice that shook the walls of the canyons of Wall Street just as the waves of the wine-dark sea shake the rocks of the shore. "Even while everyone else is going broke. And when we run out of money, we make you mortals give us more. Can you deny that we are gods?"

At Bank of America, Thomas "Madness of War," Fledgeby appeared  in the nude, carrying a bronze shield and sword, with a black eagle perched on his shoulder. "Your fates, and your economies, are in our hands," he declared scornfully. "If we choose, we can bring down mighty nations with our fearsome derivatives, forged by Hephaestus in the fires of the underworld. Bow down and pay us tribute!"

Although a similar press conference had been scheduled at Goldman Sachs, when reporters arrived they found Goldman spokesman Mike "Dionysus" Lammle drunkenly carousing with three satyrs and a centaur. "If we choose we can turn ourselves into swans and carry away your daughters to bear our children," he said, hurling grapes at the assembled journalists. "So count yourselves lucky if all we do is bankrupt you and saddle you with debt for generations to come."

All of the CEO / immortals scoffed at the idea that banking reforms currently being considered in Congress could in any way curtail their activities.

"Reforms?" Citigroup's Mr. Wegg, also known as He Who Makes The Mountains Tremble With His Sighs, laughed and it was terrible and newsmen and women threw themselves on the ground and gnashed their teeth and rent their garments. "Any who dare oppose us with new banking regulations will be chained to a rock at the bottom of the world and have vultures tear at his liver. Don't you see? We are too big too fail!"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel Rate Me Red.

It's All Greek Edition

E.U. Governments Rescue Greece

Find One Trillion Dollars In Other Pants

Richieville News Service - BONN

After weeks of half-measures and false starts, the countries of the European Union agreed to establish a bailout fund for the troubled Greek economy, after finding approximately $1 trillion in extra cash in the pocket of a pair of jeans.

"Yeah, we thought we couldn't afford to do anything," said German Chancellor Angela Merkel, "but then I was putting these jeans in the wash and I happened to look in the pocket."

The "found money" was actually about 780 billion euros that someone had folded into a wad, stuffed in their pocket and forgotten about.  

"Guys at the International Monetary Fund are always doing that," said Merkel. "Even though I keep telling them not to."

Greece has been teetering on the verge of economic collapse but other E.U countries, especially Germany, had been reluctant to reward what they saw as irresponsible behavior on the part of the Greek government. That stance changed rapidly over the weekend when it became clear that Greece's problems threatened the European financial system.

"Hey, there's always some cash lying around," said Ms. Merkel. "When we realized the banks might be in trouble, we just started looking harder. We found about 180 billion euros under a sofa cushion, and another 50 billion at the bottom of a sock drawer. It's amazing how much money you can find when you really want to."

News Analysis

Greek Workers Need Fiscal Discipline,

Say U.S. Hedge Fund Managers

In return for the E.U. bailout, Greek workers will have to accept harsh new austerity measures and scale back on long-established benefits such as early retirement. So say the majority of U.S. economic experts, such as hedge fund manager David Tepper who earned $4 billion dollars in 2009, thanks to successfuly predicting the federal government's bailout of U.S. banks. 

Like James H. Simons, who earned $2.5 billion in 2009, and John A. Paulson who made $2 billion by betting against the housing market, the top U.S. hedge fund managers had nothing but contempt for what they saw as pampered and spoiled Greek workers. 

To these financial wizards, who collectively made over $11 billion last year during the worst recession in decades, the lesson of the debt crisis is clear: If the Greek people want their economy saved, then they must be willing to give up their civil service jobs, accept pay cuts and reduced government services.

And it's not just hedge fund managers who are calling for fiscal discipline. Investment bankers are also issuing stern warnings to the workers of Greece and other European nations. An executive at Goldman Sachs was adamant about the need for strict austerity measures.

"These Greeks have been living on easy street, with their paid vacations and health insurance, but now they have to tighten their belts," said the executive. The banker, who engineered the Goldman deals that made the firm millions while helping the Greek government hide its debt through currency swaps and other financial instruments, asked to remain anonymous. "The free ride is over," he added. "I mean, who do these people think they are- us?"

What's In A Name?

BP Plans New "Pipeline"

As Fix For Spill

Execs Promise, "This Will Work."

Richieville News Service - NEW ORLEANS

With the failure of the massive, four-story, 80-ton containment dome to stop the oil leak off the coast of Louisiana, executives of British Petroleum said they had an alternate plan to end the massive ecological disaster. The new effort involves the creation of a new oil, "pipeline" and  though it involves no actual construction, company spokespeople were confident it would effectively resolve the problem.

"It's simple," BP spokesman Tod Podsnap told reporters here. "The problem is there is oil in the Gulf of Mexico. Now, unfortunately, we can't seem to do anything about the oil. But we can do something about the Gulf of Mexico. All we have to do is rename it. We propose that from now on, the Gulf of Mexico be known as the "BP Gulf of Mexico Oil Pipeline."

Mr. Podsnap insisted there were several immediate advantages to what he admitted was a somewhat unorthodox solution. "Look," he said, standing in front of a map of the new, "pipeline."  "Everyone knows it's really bad to have oil in the Gulf of Mexico, but it's like, totally natural to have oil in the 'BP Gulf of Mexico Oil Pipeline.'" He also pointed out that the new pipeline would deliver oil directly to the mainland at no extra cost to consumers, although he did say the company would seek tax breaks to pay for new signage along the Gulf Coast. The only difficulty the company can foresee is that speakers will have to make ironic air quotes whenever they say "pipeline."

Mr. Podsnap said the company was investigating whether an act of Congress would be needed or if Congress even had the authority to rename an international body of water, but he said BP was sure the measure would receive wide bipartisan support. "It won't be a problem," he said, "Did you see how much we gave those guys last year?"

The new "pipeline."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Your Cave Or Mine?

DNA Evidence Proves Early Humans

Mated With Neanderthals

Also Had Gay Marriage

Richieville News Service - BORDEAUX

As reported in the New York Times, biologists working with DNA from fossil bones believe they have proof that early humans mated with Neanderthals, perhaps 60,000 years ago. "This shows we have a lot to learn about the sexuality of our ancestors," said Dr. Hans Werfel of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany. 

As if to prove his point, another team of researchers announced they had found evidence of the earliest known gay marriage. The ceremony, which seems to have been attended by a large tribe of stone age hunter-gatherers, took place in a cave in southern France approximately 12,000 years ago, during the last Ice Age. Although the cave had been well-known to paleontologists for many years, it was only recently that scientists realized it was the site of a prehistoric same-sex wedding.

"It was the cave paintings," said Dr. Henrik Nordanwall, of the Center for Biochemical, Statistical and Expressive Anthropology at the University of Vermont. "For years, we thought the drawings depicted hunting scenes, but new analysis show they are in fact a narrative that when translated means roughly, 'Oog Has Two Mommies.'"

Dr. Nordanwall said evidence of gay marriage has been found at other neolithic habitation sites, including artifacts such as his and his spear throwers. "We don't know how common same-sex relationships were among Ice Age tribes," he said, "but we are finding it was pretty widespread."

Apparently, there were some tribes that did not accept same-sex unions, with some wall paintings warning that gay marriage would anger, "The Giant Red Auroch Who Lives Under The Waterfall."  On the other hand, it appears that shamans in many tribes believed that same-sex unions pleased, "The Magic Willow Tree Who Occasionally Steals Goats." 

"We have a lot to learn about early gay marriage," said Dr. Nordanwall. "For example, how did same-sex partners divide hunting and gathering?" But he expected knowledge to accumulate quickly now that scientists have a way of identifying neolithic gay marriage locations. "You can find the gay marriage sites pretty easily, once you know how," he said. "Just look for the caves with the rainbow flag painted over the entrance."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel Rate Me Red.

Take a Pill

Tea Parties Disperse As Health

Industry Restores Medications

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.

Membership in Tea Party organizations around the country plummeted today as the health industry abandoned a clandestine yearlong effort to withhold medications from large sections of the population. The top secret collusion between big pharmaceutical companies and the health insurance lobby came to light as top executives admitted that since early 2009, they had prevented certain demographic groups from obtaining anti-depressants and anti-psychotic drugs, replacing them with placebos. The plan, aimed at preventing the passage of a health insurance reform bill, was now being abandoned and several executives expressed remorse at the unforeseen consequences of their actions.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," said Sylvester Veneering, CEO of Wellness Healthness, Inc. "We figured people would get a little wacky and shout down the health reform bill. But we didn't know they'd get this crazy! I mean, all this stuff about Obama's birth certificate? The militias? The law in Georgia allowing folks to carry guns into airports?  These folks need to take a pill - and from now on, we're going to make sure they do."

Mr. Veneering promised that correct medications would begin replacing placebos immediately and anecdotal evidence seemed to suggest that the drugs were already beginning to take effect. Many of the most hardcore Tea Party supporters awoke to find that they no longer agreed with the extreme political positions they had held only hours earlier. 

Mary Sykes, of Cincinnati, called the local police to report that someone had left piles of placards in her house, many with doctored photos showing President Obama riding a camel while wearing a Nazi uniform. The responding officers had some difficulty convincing Ms. Sykes that the placards were in fact hers. She finally accepted their explanation after she saw herself on YouTube screaming about a government takeover of Medicare. 

"It was very embarrassing," she later told reporters. "I looked like I was off my meds."

Mr. Veneering said the health industry was now braced for an onslaught of lawsuits from former Tea Party activists, but he appeared to accept that as an inevitable cost of trying to alter the political landscape with mental illness. "Hey! You win some, you lose some," he said. He promised that all prescriptions would be properly filled from now on. "And those folks in Arizona?" he added. "We're going to up their dosage."

Euphemism News

Anti-Gay Minister Provokes 

Strike By Porters, Bellhops

Workers Refuse To "Carry Luggage"

Richieville News Service - MIAMI, FL

Porters at Miami International Airport staged a wildcat strike today, after learning that Baptist Minister and Christian Right  leader George Allen Rekers said that he had hired a young gay escort to "carry his luggage."  Rekers, a co-founder of the rabidly anti-gay Family Research Council, admitted that he had paid the man to accompany him on a ten day trip to Europe, but said he didn't realize his companion was a prostitute until halfway through the trip.

"I recently had surgery," he told reporters here, "and I can't lift luggage. That's why I hired him." He did admit, however that he had contacted the young man through a website called rentboy.com where his profile described him as having a "smooth, sweet, tight ass," and a, "perfectly built, eight-inch cock (uncut)."

The revelation that "carrying luggage" could be mistaken for male prostitution came as a shock to porters, bellhops and other service workers who routinely are asked to do exactly that.  Angry and confused Redcaps at Miami International Airport formed picket lines in the early morning. There were reports of similar work stoppages at other terminals and bus stations.

"I've been a porter for 21 years," said Marlon Williams, one of the leaders of the strike. "In all that time, I had no idea that, 'carrying luggage' was a euphemism for gay sex. Now, when someone asks us to carry their luggage, how are we supposed to know what they mean? It's very aggravating."

At hotels in downtown Miami and other major cities, belllhops were organizing their own picket lines. In front of the Miami Four Seasons, Ricardo Montez stood holding a placard that read, "I Don't 'Carry Luggage' (Not That There's Anything Wrong With That.)"

"We're ready to work," Mr. Montez  explained, "as soon as someone comes up with a new term for carrying luggage or a new euphemism for gay sex, or both."

Oil Spill Special

SEC: Goldman Sachs 

Not Cause Of Oil Spill

Bankers Regret Lost Opportunity

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.

In a surprise finding, investigators for the Securities and Exchange Commission announced today that the massive oil spill threatening the Gulf Coast was not, in fact, caused by the investment firm Goldman Sachs.

“We were as shocked as anyone,” said SEC official Danny Podsnap. “After they wrecked the U.S. economy, bankrupted Greece and tricked kindly widows and orphans out of their life savings, we were sure that somehow they were behind this disaster, too.  I guess they’re not as smart as they think they are.”

The investigators were looking into the role of exotic financial instruments called “synthetic aggregate wildlife credit swaps.” Through these complex investment derivatives, the bankers at Goldman had attempted to take out life insurance policies on the “gannets, terns, tiger shrimp, mollusks and other vertebrates and invertebrates,” living in Gulf wetlands.

Like Goldman Sachs derivatives based on unsecured mortgages, failed real estate deals and wishful thinking, the exact workings of wildlife credit swaps is poorly understood even by those who created and invested in them. According to the SEC, those who bought the derivatives were essentially, “betting against the environment, Mother Nature and the circle of life.” But in the end, the SEC could find no evidence that the Wall Street masterminds had actually caused the deadly explosion, the loss of life and the release of hundreds of thousands of gallons of toxic oil into the fertile waters off Louisiana. More surprisingly, they don't seem to have directly profited from it.

Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein expressed regret, saying that in retrospect the firm missed an opportunity to profit once again from human misery. “We clearly messed up on this one,” he told reporters. “We should have made a couple of hundred million, easy. But hey, you can’t win ’em all!”

Who, Us?

In Response To Attacks, 
New Yorkers Insist: 
"We're Not Real Americans"

Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY
On the streets of the five boroughs, from Coney Island to the Bronx, the citizens of New York City seem to have spontaneously arrived at the same response to Saturday's failed bomb attack in Times Square: If would-be terrorists want to strike at America, they're picking the wrong target.

"Tell these nuts that they're attacking the wrong city," said Shanti Rainbow Arapaho-Friedlander, an unemployed organic pet music therapist from Williamsburg, Brooklyn. "We're not the real America - just ask Sarah Pallin. We're latte-sipping, arugula-munching elitists, so why don't these maniacs leave us alone and go bomb someone else?"

Ms. Arapaho-Friedlander's sentiments were shared by Mauricio Dellarrobia, a part-time media analyst for the fashion consulting industry. "I get it that these fanatics hate America," he said while sipping a vente cinnamon machiato latte in Greenwich Village, "but that's not us. We're not real Americans. We're Chablis-swilling, tree-hugging, liberal snobs."

Sitting at a nearby cafe, a sand-painting street artist who goes by the name of Beezle echoed the thoughts of many New Yorkers. "I don't want anyone to be attacked," he said as he shared a bottle of Chablis with his friend, a model and dog groomer who goes by the name of Avante. "But why do they keep picking on us? Everyone knows New York City is not part of America. Don't these Islamic radicals watch Fox News?"

Show Me Your Papers

New York Passes Anti-Arizona 
Immigration Bill
Police Say, “We’ll Know Them When We See Them.”

Richieville News Service – NEW YORK CITY

The New York City Council today passed a city ordinance requiring police and other city officials to stop and question any person who seemed as though he or she “might have something to do with those nut jobs in Arizona.”  Council members denied that any sot of profiling, racial or otherwise, was being mandated, although they acknowledged it would be difficult to identify characteristics of the typical Arizona tourist.

“I think we just look for someone who’s a little off,” said Police Sergeant James Dominguez. “Like they’ve been spending too much time in the sun, or maybe they have a pistol strapped to their leg when they go into Starbucks.  You know, anything kind of Arizona-like.”

The new law also authorizes citizens to “stop and question,” suspected Arizonians. The ordinance also includes suggested language for questioning once it has been confirmed that the suspect is indeed from Arizona, including, “Like, what’s up with your state, dude?”

However, the law does not provide for further action, “We’re not empowered to arrest someone just because they’re from Arizona, explained officer Dominguez. “I mean this isn’t Nazi Germany - or even Arizona.”