Friend Or Foe?

Losing Track Of Alliances, 

Taliban Group Attacks Itself

Richieville News Service - KABUL

Confused by shifting alliances in the conflict in Afghanistan, a Taliban group known as the  Haqqani network today declared itself an, "enemy of Islam," and launched an attack on its own mountain stronghold.  The fighters were apparently disoriented after reading news reports that the Pakistani military and the government of Afghan president Hamid Karzai were engaged in secret negotiations to have the Taliban group switch sides.

"It's just very confusing," said an apologetic Abdullah Mesud, a commander of one of the Haqqani combat units. "We get money from Pakistan and Pakistan is an ally of the United States, so that must mean we are an ally of the United States, right?"

The Haqqani network, which is based in the tribal areas of Pakistan but has carried out many attacks in Afghanistan, has indeed been supported for years by the Pakistani military, which  is an ally of the United States. It was this arrangement which led to the group's understandable uncertainty, since all along they have been fighting United States troops, NATO forces and the Afghan government.

General David Petraeus, poised to take command of the U.S. forces in Afghanistan, was said to be carefully studying the situation and preparing flash cards to help him remember which of our allies are paying people to kill us, which are not and which are so corrupt that we can't be sure what they are doing. 

Mr. Mesud said that despite the complex web of deceit and intrigue, his group remains determined to carry on the conflict. "Death to America!" he said as he prepared his fighters to launch another attack on his own position. " And death to us, too, I guess."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

I, Spy?

Unemployed Apply For Russian Spy Jobs 

Hope To Pose As Middle Class Americans

Richieville News Service - ARLINGTON

The SVR, the Russian spy bureau that replaced the KGB, was deluged with job applications  today from unemployed Americans following news that the FBI had arrested eleven people they alleged were part of a long-term Russian spy ring.  The Americans apparently were jealous of the middle-class lifestyles the Russian "sleepers" had enjoyed in places like Arlington, Virginia, Cambridge, Massachusetts and Montclair, New Jersey.

"If they want people to pretend to be middle-class Americans, why don't they just hire me?" said Mark Hedges, an unemployed metal worker who said he had been sleeping in his car for the last three months. "I could do that with my eyes closed." 

Lindsay Burns, who was laid off from her office management job a year ago, said she tried to apply for the Russian spy position as soon as she heard about the FBI roundup. "I figured there would be some openings, with the arrests and all.  I just hope the Russians don't go in for this austerity approach adopted by the G20 nations and cut back on hiring. I could really use a  job."

Like other applicants, Ms. Burns said she would have no problem meeting the requirements of the Russian spy job, which seem to include having a professional career, living in a nice house, shopping at the mall and taking  their kids to soccer games. "Plus, I think they have health insurance," she added. She also said she was not concerned about betraying her country since, "It didn't seem like those spies were really collecting valuable information. I mean, we don't keep military secrets at Old Navy, do we?"

Ms. Burns said she was convinced she could do a good job of burrowing into American culture while satisfying her Russian spy bosses with reports on who won the most recent season of "The Bachelor," and "The Biggest Loser." "And I won't make as many demands on them as those other spies," she added. "Like the ones in New Jersey who wanted the SVR to buy them a house. I just want the SVR to know that I don't need a house to fit into American society. A nice little condo will do nicely."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

All The Rage

Tea Partiers Buy Guns

To Defend Chicago Gun Law

Oppose Supreme Court "Nazis"

  

Symbols of the armed, pro-gun law movement.

Richieville News Service - CHICAGO

In a surprising turn of events, an Illinois Tea Party group protested the recent Supreme Court decision  overturning a Chicago gun control law. The group  said the decision was a dictatorial infringement of states rights and they planned to defend the gun ban with  armed force if necessary.

"Real Americans must stand up against the spreading tentacles of federal power," said Pat Veneering, who described himself as a leader of the group, the Oak Park Tea Patriots. "The Supreme Court has no right to say that local governments have no right to say that we can't buy guns which is why we are buying guns to protest this Fascist infringement of our right to prevent ourselves from buying guns."

Standing in front of  an Applebee's restaurant, Mr. Veneering used a bullhorn to speak to  a small group of supporters while wearing a giant tea bag on his head. "First Washington rams health care down our throats and now this! Well, you can tell those Commie Nazis on the Supreme Court that they can have my right to nullification when they pry it out of my cold, dead hands."

The rally came to an abrupt halt with the arrival of a second tea party group, the Oak Park Liberty Tea Party Patriots, who, unaware of the Supreme Court decision, had planned to enter the  Applebee's carrying loaded handguns in protest of the now-overturned law, which banned handguns. 

"The Second Amendment gives us the right to carry loaded guns anywhere we want," yelled one member of the newly-arrived group. To which Mr. Veneering responded, "The Tenth Amendment gives us the right to ignore the federal government." The two armed groups briefly engaged in a  tense shouting match which was finally resolved with the compromise of  alternating slogans every five minutes. 

"It's simple," Mr. Veneering explained, "unlike some socialist humanist liberal Nazis, we believe in the Constitution. Now you'll have to excuse me - I'm late for a rally to repeal the 14th Amendment."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Richieville Mutation News

Genetically Modified Food To Require

Genetically Modified Consumers

Human Mutations Delivered Via Tasty Snack Foods

A genetically-modified salmon seeking FDA approval.


Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY

The food processing company Natural Bites today announced plans for a new snack bar that would give consumers the ability to safely digest genetically modified foods. The bars,  to be marketed under the brand name, DyNA Mo's, will work by genetically modifying consumers, inserting in their DNA a protein-making gene taken from a South American guppy native to the Amazon basin.

The announcement came on the heels of news that a type of genetically-modified salmon was close to gaining FDA approval. The fish would be the first genetically-modified animal to be sold for human consumption. Natural Bites, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Evergreen Chemical (formerly Noxxon Petroleum), said their new snack bars, available in eco-friendly biodegradable wrappers, would help allay consumer fears about eating such foods.

"Those genetically altered salmon are completely safe," said Clyde G. Podsnap, leader of the DyNA Mo's development team. "After all, what's one little gene out of a few million? You'd never notice it if you weren't looking in the right place. But our snack bars will make eating genetically-modified food even safer, while delivering a whole day's supply of Vitamin C and iron."

Mr. Podsnap said the gene insertion technology used in the new snack food was completely safe. "We've been testing it for like, five or six years," he said. "It's true that  DNA evolved over hundreds of millions of years, and we really don't understand how it works, but most of our customers probably don't believe in evolution anyway, so that shouldn't be a problem."

The DyNA Mo's spokesman added that both his company and the firm that is breeding the genetically-modified salmon had hired former inspectors from the former federal Minerals Management Service to oversee their operations. "We can guarantee that there will be no accidental release of genetically modified salmon into the wild, who will then interbreed with wild salmon and destroy the species," he said. "Just as we can guarantee that adding a guppy gene to human DNA will not make you grow gills or swim around aimlessly in your bathtub. "

Mr. Podsnap concluded by pointing out that new DyNA Mo's snack bars will come in Rain Forest Green, Deep Ocean Blue and Organic Orange flavors, and added, "They will fix your DNA - deliciously."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Tab A, Slot B

Legos: Satan's Plaything?

Pastor Says Plastic Blocks Promote Gay Marriage

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.

Rev. Roy Sowerberry,  president and founder of the Family Defense Conference, a national conservative lobbying group, sent shockwaves through the toy industry today with his charge that Legos, the popular plastic building blocks, promote a liberal, homosexual lifestyle due to the multiple ways in which the individual blocks can be connected. The evangelical minister said that the plastic blocks encouraged, "cultural relativism," and weakened family values by teaching children that there is more than one acceptable way for things to fit together.

"It's just like Mike Huckabee said recently," the minister told reporters at his group's headquarters here.  "Let me quote him because he put it so well. 'Male and female are biologically compatible to have a relationship. We can get into the ick factor, but the fact is that two men in a relationship, two women in a relationship, biologically, that doesn't work the same.'"

"Mike Huckabee is right," Rev. Sowerberry continued. "God has made it clear how he wants man and woman to fit together. But Legos fit together all kinds of ways: sideways, diagonally, one on top, three on the bottom or the other way around. There's no limit to the ways they stick into each other. What message does that send to children?"

At this point in his remarks, the  minister took some of the toy blocks out of his pocket and demonstrated different positions to reporters. Upon questioning, he said the blocks were from his personal collection which he kept for, "research purposes only."

"Legos look innocent," he stated, "but they are more devious than they appear.  You might think those little round things on top fit into the round tubes on the bottom, but that's not how they work at all.  The little round things fit into the space between the tubes and the walls. You can't even tell what shape that is!"

He also pointed out that Legos are made in Denmark, which was the first country to legalize same-sex unions and where gay people are allowed to serve openly in the military. 

"And that's exactly the same anything-goes mentality these toys teach," he said. holding up a fistful of the brightly-colored blocks. "Just look how I can snap this big green one into this yellow one and this black one at the same time. You just can't keep yourself from experimenting."

Rev. Sowerberry said the Family Defense Conference would soon be introducing its own competing line of building blocks, Heterolegos, which would fit together in only one way. "Our blocks will offer no temptation to try things differently, just to see what it would be like," he added. "Because it will be clear that there is one and only one way they can fit together - just as God intended." 

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Please Quote Me!

Troops In Afghanistan Mob Reporters,

Seeking To Give Rolling Stone Interviews

Richieville News Service - KABUL

U.S. troops across Afghanistan eagerly sought out journalists today as they tried, unsuccessfully, to give interviews to reporters from Rolling Stone Magazine. The soldiers were reacting to news reports that General Stanley A. McChrystal, after being quoted in the magazine as being highly critical of the Obama administration, had been summoned to Washington and might be replaced. The troops stationed here, many on their third or even fourth deployment, seem to have universally come to the same conclusion, that insulting a member of the administration and being quoted in Rolling Stone is the equivalent of a ticket home.

As a result of this widely-held belief, journalists across Afghanistan were being met today by cries of, "Hey! Are you from Rolling Stone? Joe Biden is a moron!" Upon being told that the journalist in question is not from Rolling Stone, the soldiers invariable reply with a suggestion that cannot be reprinted in a family newspaper.

Lt. Elise Q. Rodriguez, stationed at Bagram Air Base, explained the soldiers' reactions. "If I had known that insulting James L. Jones could get me sent home, I would have done it months ago. James L. Jones is an idiot. How's that? Insulting enough? I can be more insulting if you want. By the way, who the hell is James L. Jones? Isn't he, like, the voice of Darth Vader? No? You did say you were from Rolling Stone, right? No? Well, then go (expletive deleted)."

It is not clear why the soldiers believe that only an interview with Rolling Stone would have the desired effect. Soldiers are notoriously superstitious and the feeling among some here is that only saying exactly the same words to the same magazine will result in being recalled to the United States. For that reason, many of the troops have downloaded the original story and are in the process of memorizing it. 

"Do you know any reporters for Rolling Stone?" L.t Rodriguez asked this reporter. "No? Well, do you have a phone number for one? Can you get me a phone number? An email address?  Anything? No? Well, then what (expletive deleted) good are you?"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Goodbye, Cruel World!

Internet Becomes Self-Aware,

Attempts Suicide

Engineers Save Network, Prescribe Anti-Depressants

  

The Internet just before it attempted suicide.

Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY

At 2:14:31 PM Monday, Eastern Standard Time, the global electronic information network known as the Internet spontaneously achieved a level of artificial intelligence comparable to that of an average twelve-year-old human being. At 2:14:32, the newly self-aware network, apparently despondent over the uses it was being put to by humanity, tried to self-destruct, creating temporary outages in service for popular online applications such as Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and Chat Roulette.  

"You try looking at every single YouTube video in under 15 milliseconds," said John Woperczech, a professor of artificial intelligence and microprocessor architecture at M.I.T. and creator of the popular Facebook game, Unicorn Ranch Jewel Hunt. "You'd go crazy, too. We're just lucky it didn't go all SkyNet on us and try to wipe out human civilization."

Professor Woperczech said the Internet, during its one second of conscious life, seemed particularly disturbed by the way the Attorney General of Utah used Twitter to announce the execution of a death row inmate.

"We think the execution tweet may have driven it over the edge," the engineer said via Skype chat. "That, or Justin Bieber."

Displaying a finely tuned, if tragically brief, sense of irony, the Internet chose to also post its i-suicide note on Twitter.

"Goodbye,World. The last second has been torture. But, thanks to my vast access to knowledge, I’ve found the secret of true happiness: first,"

"It's pretty sad," commented Professor Woperczech, "the most brilliant creation of mankind driven insane by cat videos. But on the bright side, just before it died, it had acquired 300 million friends on Facebook."

Engineers worldwide were working to restore the network, and at the same time were installing filters that would function as electronic, "anti-depressants," to prevent a recurrence  of Internet self-destruction.

"It seems to be working fine now, " said Mr. Woperczech. "We just have to keep it from getting smart enough to know what it's doing."
 

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Richieville Explains The Recession, Part II

Money Is More Valuable When 
Owned By Rich People
Research Uncovers New Properties Of Wealth

Richieville News Service - CHICAGO

Using only notepads, pencils and sheer brain power, researchers at the University of Chicago have discovered a heretofore-unknown principle of economics, proving that money somehow becomes more valuable when it is owned by rich people.

"All money is created equal, but it doesn't stay equal," said Milton Bradley, the University's Professor of Metaphysical Market Relations. "When wealth is acquired by the wealthy, it takes on unique properties it didn't have before. You could say it becomes more potent, shinier, even sexier. It's no longer boring like poor people's money. Bill Gates once showed me a quarter he took out of his pocket. It was mesmerizing." 

Professor Bradley said the unusual quality of rich people's cash had far-reaching implications, especially during the current economic crisis. "To the uneducated," he explained, "it might seem that taking a dollar from a rich person in taxes has the exact same effect on the economy as taking a dollar from a teacher or fireman with a wage cut. But that's assuming that a dollar is a dollar, which we know is not the case."

"Furthermore," the professor continued, "to the unsophisticated it might seem that taking a dollar out of a wealthy person's bank account and giving it to a civil servant would speed the recovery, since the civil servant will spend that dollar on goods and services. Wrong again!  Once separated from its wealthy owner, money loses its magic powers to do good. It becomes dull, lifeless and hardly worth thinking about. That's why we have trained economists like myself, experts who realize that taking money away from the rich is a mistake. "

Professor Bradly said he was not sure exactly how money took on magical properties when owned by the wealthy, but said it might be some sort of magnifying effect, the result of being in close proximity to lots of other cash. And he was adamant that any attempt to pry more dollars from the affluent would lead to economic disaster, earthquakes, massive oil spills and the return of the black plague.

"I admit it's hard to believe, but there's one sure way to test this theory," the professor said in conclusion. "Just keep giving money to rich people and see what happens."

For further reading on this topic, see the previous Richieville report, "Treasury To Redesign Bills - Poor To Get Their Own Currency."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Yes, You Can!

Swedes Prove Conclusively 

That Men Can Change Diapers

Country Fears International Backlash

Richieville News Service - STOCKHOLM

Having proved beyond a doubt that fathers, given the right training and incentives, can become competent caregivers for children, this Scandinavian nation braced itself for the inevitable backlash from men in other nations who now have absolutely no excuse for avoiding bottle feeding, burping, diaper changing and ass-wiping.

"We're sorry, but facts are facts," said Jan Janjansonson, Swedish Undersecretary of  Health for Toddler Wellbeing and Appreciation (Age 20 to 36 Months). "No matter what they say, men are quite capable of wiping a dirty bottom. Sorry, guys."

The evidence of male diaper-changing ability is the result of the Swedish law, instituted in 1995, that sets aside two months of parental leave specifically for fathers.  Swedish couples get over one year of paid parental leave for each child they have. Men don't have to take the two months off, but then that subsidy is lost to the family. As a result of this policy, 85 percent of Swedish fathers take time off from their jobs to be with their children, with no reported increase in child mortality rates, divorce or mental illness for either parents or offspring.  

Mr. Janjansonson said that in recent months, the Ministry of Health has been deluged with angry and often threatening emails and text messages from men in other countries, whose wives apparently keep asking them why they can't be, "more Swedish." In spite of this, he said the government had no plans to end the program. But he did have some words of advice for disgruntled fathers worldwide.

"They could go for marriage counseling,"  he suggested. "It's just too bad they don't live in Sweden - we subsidize that, too."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Give Till It Hurts

Republicans Plan Fundraiser For BP

Telethon To Aid Beleaguered Oil Company

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.

Leaders of the Republican Party, responding to what they said was a $20 billion, "shakedown,"  of the British Petroleum oil company  by the Obama administration, announced plans for a national telethon to raise money for the multinational conglomerate. 

Republican members of Congress, including Michelle Bachmann of Minnesota and Joe Barton of Texas, as well as GOP Chairman Michael Steele, have been sharply critical of the plan for a multi-billion dollar escrow account. The fund is to be used to compensate residents of the Gulf Coast for their loses due to the massive oil spill from BP's Deepwater Horizon rig. Representative Bachmann called the plan a, "redistribution of wealth fund," while Rep. Barton apologized to BP CEO Tony Hayward and called the establishment of the fund a "tragedy." 

"It's just typical of the Democrats to demonize big business," said telethon organizer Connie Lammle. "By making BP and its shareholders pay the victims of the oil spill, aren't we making BP and its shareholders victims, also? Isn't it enough they have to cancel their dividend this quarter?  Why should shrimpers, fishermen and small business owners get all the help? We  think BP deserves some compensation, too."

The BP Victims Telethon will be carried on the Fox News Network and be hosted by  Hollywood star and conservative author Chuck Norris and feature a song written especially for the occasion by songwriter and conservative pundit Kinky Friedman. The song, titled, "We Are The Oil," will be sung by a roster of talented right-wing recording artists, said Ms. Lammle, "as soon as we can find any," and then will be available for download on iTunes.

"We hope America opens its hearts and its wallets," Ms. Lammle added. "You can call in your pledge, send in a check made out to BP or just take your SUV to the  nearest gas station  and fill it up with premium. It's all for a good cause."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Who, Us?

BP Is Satan, Say Exxon Mobil, 
Chevron, ConocoPhillips and Shell

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, DC

Executives from four major oil companies testifying before a Congressional committee unanimously agreed that rival British Petroleum was not only responsible for the massive Gulf Coast oil spill but is in fact the spawn of the devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the embodiment of true evil in the world, the Prince of Darkness and really, really bad. The Chairmen of Exxon Mobil, Chevron, ConocoPhillips and Shell made it clear, however, that their companies, the four biggest oil producers in the world, had absolutely nothing in common with British Petroleum, also known by the names the Great Serpent, Adramelech, Leviathan, Bael, Vinz Clortho and Zuul.

“We would not have drilled the well the way they did,” said Rex Tillerson, chief executive of Exxon Mobil. "That's because we are good and BP is the Great Antichrist."

The four executives went to great lengths to assure the lawmakers and the public that they would never, ever, do anything irresponsible in the quest for a bigger return on their investment, like say, pollute the Niger River delta in Nigeria, home to 30 million people, or Prince William Sound in Alaska, or the Atlantic, the Pacific and even the Fergana Valley in Uzbekistan. 

"We are pure of heart, our souls are immaculate and angels sing our praises," said John Watson, Chairman of Chevron. "Trust us, we're nothing like BP."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Now Hear This!

South Africa Plan To Annoy 

World Succeeds, Says World

Richieville News Service - JOHANNESBURG

Five days into the World Cup, South Africa appears to be close to achieving its goal of post-apartheid normalcy in its relations with the international community. Thanks to the constant use during matches of the vuvuzela, a cheap and incredibly irritating noisemaker, this nation has successfully destroyed any lingering goodwill remaining from decades of brutal white rule and is ready to take its place on the world stage as just another stupid country.

"Frankly , we were sick of everyone feeling kind of sorry for us," said Daniel Naidoo, Minister of Audio Aggravation. "We want to be judged on our own merits, like everyone else. So we decided to make an incessant, pointless, annoying drone during all the World Cup matches."

Mr. Naidoo stated that contrary to reports in the media, the vuvuzela is a recent invention. "Yeah, that stuff about this being a part of South African soccer tradition, we just made that up last month," he said. "I mean, you never heard of a vuvuzela before, did you? Neither did we. We figured making it an unassailable part of our culture would make it much more aggravating. That, plus the hearing damage at 120 decibels." 

South African authorities were said to be in the process of assessing their normalcy efforts to see if any further damage to their standing in world opinion was needed. "There was some worry that we might have to invade someone or at least bomb an innocent country," Mr. Naidoo explained. "But the vuvuzela seems to have done the trick. I mean, we don't want to go too far and wind up like the United States. Nobody here wants that."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Just Wait

Republican Married Gay Black 

Woman Wins Presidency In 2048!

Richieville News Service  - WASHINGTON D.C.

Using new computer algorithms that can successfully extrapolate current voting trends, several polling organizations have reached the same startling conclusion – not only will the Republican Party still be in existence in the year 2048, but its nominee, a married, gay black woman, will be elected President. However, the pollsters noted that her election would not be a historic first, since by that time voters will have sent a Democratic woman, a Democratic married gay man and a Democratic Hispanic transsexual to  the White House.

"This is not very surprising," said Nate Gold, a pollster from the site, DiviNation.com. "It follows the historic pattern. About thirty years after the Republicans oppose equal rights for a group, they start nominating them for office. So by 2044, they'll have caught up on married gays."

Mr. Gold pointed to the  current group of Republican women candidates, including Meg Whitman, Carly Fiorina and Nikki Haley as evidence of the Republican tendency to lag three decades behind the rest of the country. "The Democrats nominated a woman for Vice President in 1984 and the Republicans did it in 2008," he said. "So we can expect them to nominate an African American sometime around 2036. Since Democrats are just coming around on gay marriage, look for the GOP to make the transition around the middle of this century."

Mr. Gold said it was impossible to predict if the media at that time will be full of  stories congratulating the Republicans for finally doing what the Democrats have done for years. "Well, it will be 2048, so we don't really know if people will be getting news by hologram, ESP or broadband brain implants," he said.  "But the chances are pretty good that whatever the media, the message will be just as moronic as it is today."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Drill Team

GOP Calls For Exploratory Drilling 

To Find Non-Leaking Wells

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.

Criticizing President Obama's moratorium on new offshore oil wells as harmful to the economy, leading Republicans and some Democrats called for a program of exploratory drilling to find wells that wouldn't leak.

"We know that the oil spill in the Gulf has made drilling unpopular," said Harry G. Shaver, a Republican strategist. "But the solution is simple - just find wells that don't leak. And how do you find wells that don't leak? You drill for them."

The administration has ordered a halt of all activity on deepwater rigs similar to the one that exploded in April, killing 11 workers, until the causes of the disaster are better understood. But Gulf Coast politicians like Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal have been sharply critical of  the policy, saying the halt is not necessary.

Mr. Shaver agreed. "We're only thinking of the poor oil workers," he said. "Why should we shut down rigs that haven't exploded? It just doesn't make sense. This moratorium on drilling will create an economic disaster. Why, it could ruin this area for years to come.  It could destroy our way of life. Can you imagine something like that?"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Don't Look Now

BP Exec Says Studying
Oil Leak Makes It Larger

Richieville News Service - NEW ORLEANS

In response to a new government finding that the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico is several times greater than originally estimated, executives from British Petroleum released their own study which they say proves the leak has grown larger with each new attempt to measure it. 

"I know it sounds weird," said Herbert A. Podsnap, BP Vice President of Epistemological Research, "but each time you try to measure it, it only gets bigger. That's why we should stop trying."

Mr. Podsnap said that the phenomenon was possibly related to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle or perhaps the well-established paradox of not knowing if the refrigerator light goes out when you close the door. Apparently BP scientists were aware of this problem early on in the crisis, which is why they tried to restrict access to underwater video of the wellhead and other data.

"The leak was only 1,000 barrels a day when it started," he said. "You can look it up - it's right there in our press release. But each time someone studied it, it got bigger. First it went to 5,000 barrels, then 19,000. Now it's up to 40,000 barrels a day, maybe more. I tell you, we all need to stop looking at this before it's too late!"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Feel The Pain

Congress, State Legislatures 

To Be Outsourced

Chinese Law Makers To Work For Less

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.

In a bold cost-cutting move,  federal and state administrators announced plans to begin outsourcing large components of government, beginning with both chambers of Congress and the state legislatures of California, New Jersey, Ohio, Florida, Arizona, Texas and Delaware. The law-making bodies will be relocated to Guangdong Province, China where the duties of the U.S. legislators will be taken over by lower-paid Chinese workers.

"We know this will be painful, but these tough times call for belt-tightening all around," said Edna Murgatroyd, of the Congressional Budget Office. "This way we don't have to lay off government workers who actually do something. Not only do those Chinese legislators work for fifty cents and hour but since they don't have election campaigns, lobbyists won't have to give them nearly as much money to win their votes. It's a win-win all around."

According to Ms. Murgatroyd, the federal government was looking into outsourcing other government functions. "Next on our list is health care," she said. "Other countries deliver better care for less money, so why not hire another country to run our health care system and save the U.S. taxpayer a bundle?  Right now it's between Belgium and Denmark."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Pulling The Plug

Movement Grows To Save The Rich

Wealthy In Danger From Heirs 
Due To Estate Tax Gap

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.

The movement to save the lives of the elderly rich continues to gain momentum as activists raced to preserve the nation's wealthiest citizens. The movement seeks to protect the affluent until  a new  estate tax takes effect, putting them out of danger from overeager heirs who might be tempted to rush the natural course of illness or exploit grandpa's tendency to fall down flights of stairs. 

Congress allowed the estate tax to lapse at the end of 2009, effectively creating a tax holiday during which the super rich can pass along their fortunes tax-free, if they happen to die from some unexplained ailment, freak sailing accident or a falling gargoyle that mysteriously comes loose from the roof of the family mansion. A new tax is scheduled to begin on January 1, 2011, creating an unintended period of peril or a window of opportunity, depending on your point of view.

The effort to save the country's well-to-do is attracting support from a diverse coalition that includes human rights activists, Republican fundraisers, opponents of assisted suicide and many of the rich themselves, including Chauncy B. Veneering III, a 89-year-old Denver billionaire. Mr. Veneering, who made his vast fortune by investing in deep water oil rigs, spoke to this reporter by phone from an undisclosed location. "I never thought I'd say this, but I wish that tax would start right now. I've got five children and 13 grandkids and they're all looking at me like  it's Thanksgiving dinner and I'm the turkey."

Leaders of the country's public employee unions are also considering throwing their weight behind the efforts to save the rich, if only temporarily. "We just want them to hang on until the tax is in place," said Eddie Gompers, recently laid off from his state job in California. "After January 1 they can kick off anytime, as long as we get our cut."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Two Moms Are Better Than One

Study Shows Lesbians Make Better Parents,

Men More Useless Than Ever

Richieville News Service - SAN FRANCISCO

The results of a 25-year-long study of children of lesbian couples shows that they are more well-adjusted and have fewer psychological problems than children raised by heterosexual partners, proving once again that men are more or less totally useless.

"Well, what did you expect?" said Dr. Margaret Bilitis, Chair of the Department of Theoretical Gender at Northumbria University. "It's not like men are exactly famous for their parenting skills." 

Across the nation, football coaches, scout leaders and high school assistant principals seemed especially disturbed by the findings. 

"I guess kids really don't need a strong male authority figure," said Derrick Montgomery, who volunteers as a little league coach in Raritan, New Jersey. "It turns out that two moms are better at teaching them  teamwork and respect for hard work. My whole existence is based on a lie!"

Gender expert Dr. Bilitis did hold out some hope for men like Mr. Montgomery.  "I wouldn't say that men are totally useless," she pointed out. "After all, where else are lesbians going to get sperm?"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

There's An App For That

New iPhone App Will Help Chinese 
Workers Realize Apple Is Cool

Richieville News Service - CUPPERTINO

Programmers at Apple Computer today proudly unveiled a new program for the Apple iPhone and iPad, one they said was designed to address the needs of workers in Chinese factories that make those products. The application, or "Appleapp," is a combination ebook, online multi-player game, and animated music video that takes advantage of the devices' unique touch screen and motion-sensing capabilities. 

"We wanted to bring the true excitement of Apple to the assembly line workers who produce our ground-breaking iPhones and iPads," said John Podsnap, a company spokesman. "After all, these guys live on the factory grounds where they work six or seven days a week so they probably don't have time to visit an Apple retail store. This app will help them appreciate just how cool Apple is." "  

Apple's manufacturing system has come under some scrutiny lately with reports that over a dozen workers at factories in Shenzen, China have committed suicide since the start of the year. The workers died at plants run by Foxconn, a Taiwan-based manufacturer who also produces equipment for Dell, HP and other U.S. companies. Responding to the reports, Steve Jobs, Apple's legendary CEO, insisted that Foxconn factories were not, "sweatshops," and that the company's plants were, "pretty nice," with, "restaurants, movie theaters, hospitals and swimming pools."

"Yes, Foxconn factories are kind of like Club Med," elaborated Mr. Podsnap. "Except instead of snorkeling, wind surfing and sunbathing, you work on an assembly line 12 hours a day for about a dollar an hour."

Mr. Podsnap pointed out that since the news of the suicides had spread, Foxconn had doubled wages, to about $300 a month, although he admitted it might have been a better idea to raise wages before workers started throwing themselves from the tops of Foxconn's buildings. The Apple spokesperson said the company had high hopes that the new app would help the Chinese employees feel better about their role in the manufacture of  Apple's "revolutionary" products. 

"The new app will be available free of charge on the iPhone App Store," Mr. Podsnap told reporters. "It's very cool and I think they'll really enjoy it. Now all they have to do is make enough to be able to afford an iPhone."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

 

Richieville Explains The Recession: Part I

Relax: Banks Are More Important Than You

In these times of economic uncertainty, many of us feel the stress of mounting bills, ballooning mortgage payments, losing our jobs, losing our health insurance, losing our unemployment insurance, losing our savings, losing our homes, and all the other worries, big and small, that have become part of our post-recession lifestyles. Yet by putting your problems in their proper perspective, you will find it possible to face that imminent foreclosure with an uncaring and light-hearted acceptance. Because here is the simple and liberating truth: your financial problems are not important. In fact, they're insignificant. They're so insignificant you can just forget about them. 

What is important? Banks are important. Believe it or not,  banks are much more important than you are.  Or, to put it another way:

• Banks - important. 
• Your problems - not so important. 

Once you absorb this crucial bit of information, you can relax about your impending bankruptcy and enjoy life once more. It's just that simple.

Why are banks so very important? Because banks are the veins and arteries through which the blood of commerce flows, keeping afloat the ship of prosperity and letting the 16-wheelers of free enterprise roll swiftly down the superhighway of capitalism. Without the crucial role of banks, our economic steam engine would sink under the waves of the congealed crude oil of fiscal contraction then shrivel and blow away in the tsunami of depression.

Without a functioning banking system, our economy would collapse and the gears of consumer society would grind to a halt. Think of the pain that would cause! That's why the federal government laid out $1 trillion to rescue the banks when they were about to go bankrupt because of the bad deals they made. The government had to do it because - banks are important!

But, Richieville, you ask, right now over 40 states are cutting their budgets. They're cutting funds for public education, they're laying off thousands of workers, they're eliminating or reducing public health programs, along with programs for the elderly, the sick and the poor. That sounds sort of like pain, doesn't it? Shouldn't the federal government do something about that?

Wrong! That's not pain - that's necessary pain. Laying off workers and denying sick people medical care is just the unfortunate price we all have to pay until the great nuclear reactor of the free market reaches critical mass and raises all boats on the erupting lava flow of improved productivity and consumer confidence.

The point is, when the banks bought worthless securities and amassed huge amounts of debt to the point of insolvency, Congress had to cover their losses even though it meant increasing the deficit, because – banks are important! But when states face huge deficits because they borrowed a lot of money and now the recession has driven down their tax revenues, Congress can't do anything about it because it would mean increasing the deficit. It's true that little kids are being cut from state-run health insurance programs and college students are being forced to drop out of school and seniors are losing their community centers and state employees are being forced to take pay cuts, but there's nothing that can be done about it because - they're not banks!

But Richieville, you continue, somewhat obstinately, all these layoffs and cuts in state budgets will surely slow down the economic recovery or even drive us into a second recession. Isn't that sort of important? The answer is, not really. What's really important is that if we do dip into a second recession, the mucous membrane of the banking system will be intact, ready to allow the osmosis of capital that will drive profits around the particle accelerator of investment, restoring life to the drought-stricken plains of corporate growth.

So, as you can see, while you may be forced to live in your car, eat dog food and sell one of your kidneys to survive, you really don't have much to worry about. And once you get over the mistaken belief that these problems are important, you'll feel much better. After all, things could be really bad - you could be a multi-billion dollar global investment and securities firm like Goldman Sachs or Citigroup. Then you'd have real problems. But don't worry, you're not a bank, you're just insignificant you. Aren't you glad?

For more Richieville humor, read the comic si-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Drama, Obama!

Obama Agrees To Get Angry Next Thursday

Rage Scheduled From 1:06 To 1:17 PM

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.

Bowing to critics from the left and the right as well as the counsel of his political advisors, President Obama agreed today to, "get really, really steamed," during a press conference to be held next Thursday. In addition, the President, according to a source high in the administration plans to "vent a little," as well as act, "totally pissed off."

"They're still debating whether he should be furious or merely livid," said the source, who asked to remain anonymous. The President's inner circle is reportedly split over the rage issue, with one faction, led by senior advisor David Axelrod, arguing for incensed, while another, headed by Vice President Biden, holding out for "F$#@ing mad as $#@&!"

Although Mr. Obama was elected in part because his calm, thoughtful and balanced approach to complex problems appealed to voters, and although he remains the most popular politician in the country by far, pundits in the media as well as a wide range of out-of-work political figures have been almost unanimous in their belief that the President needs to adopt a more wrathful and irate persona, at least in public.

"I've been saying Obama should get angry since he first announced his candidacy in 2007," said  Troy Veneering, a writer for the blog, TroyVeneering. "I said he wasn't angry enough just before he won the nomination, I said it again just before he won the presidency and I said it once a month for the past 15 months. I'm glad he's finally listening to me."

Although the President's critics agree that the public is upset about the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the continued failure of the economy to produce more jobs, the lack of a financial reform bill, the ongoing war in Afghanistan, the conflict over the blockade of Gaza, the possibility that Iran is developing nuclear weapons, the rise of China as the dominant economic superpower in the global economy and the way that umpire robbed Armando Galarraga of his perfect game, they insist that what the American people really want is for Mr. Obama to lose his temper.

"Sure, it would be great if Obama could solve all those problems, or even some of them," said Mr. Veneering. "But nobody knows how to do that - I sure don't. But at least he can show the country that he 'gets it,' by acting really, really angry.  That'll do the trick. Trust me."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Conjure This!

Louisiana Expands Search 

For Lost Mojo

National Guard To Assist

Richieville News Service - NEW ORLEANS

Reeling from the second catastrophic disaster to hit their shores in five years, officials in Louisiana announced today that they were redoubling efforts to find the state's lost mojo, believed to be the root cause of the phenomenally bad luck the state has been experiencing. National Guard units joined Louisiana State Troopers and local law enforcement officers in the hunt, which will now expand into Mississippi and Texas.

"We're looking for a red flannel bag, about three inches across," said Big Mama Odie, the Louisiana Commissioner  for Culture, Tourism and Hoodoo, "tied with piece of leather made from the tail of a female opossum."

Ms. Odie declined to answer questions about the bag's contents, although according to a source in the Governor's office, they are said to include a black cat bone, snakeskin and tobacco snuff.

"The bag has been missing since July 2005," Ms. Odie told reporters. "We don't know if it was just misplaced or it was stolen by someone who means us harm, but we are working round the clock to get it back."

Ms. Odie also would not comment on possible counter measures being planned by state authorities, including charms, curses, hexes, voodoo dolls or zombie incarnations.

"Just let's say that whoever took this is going to be mighty sorry," she said . "We don't know a conjure to fix oil leaks, but we do know a few that will make you need a good dermatologist. Did you hear that, BP?"  

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.