Friday, July 23, 2010

Truth Or Consequences

No Sex For Israel
Rape By Deception Verdict 
Leaves Country Tense, Frustrated

Richieville News Service - JERUSALEM
Tempers flared and tensions continued to rise across the country of Israel as a  recent court case  forced many citizens to choose between celibacy or jail. On Tuesday a Jerusalem court sentenced a married Arab man to 18 months in prison for telling a Jewish woman he was single and Jewish and then having sex with her.

The man, Sammy Kashur, was convicted of what the court called, "rape by deception," even though the couple engaged in consensual sex during their one-night stand and it was only after the woman found out that Mr. Kashur is Arab that she filed charges against him. The verdict is having far-reaching consequences as Israelis of all walks of life are being forced to reconsider and in many cases abandon their strategies for engaging in sexual relations.

"At first I wasn't worried," said Avrum Shevak, an office worker from Tel Aviv. "I figured they only convicted the guy because he's Arab. But then the judges said that was just a coincidence, his being Arab had absolutely nothing to do with it and the whole thing wasn't some bigoted attempt to defend the purity of Jewish women. So now what am I going to do? Tell girls the truth, that I live with my mother and I flunked out of college? I'll never get laid again!"

Mr. Shevak's concerns were echoed by many single men who, in order to impress a woman and get her into bed, had routinely lied about their income, career, education, intelligence, sexual stamina, political affiliations, knowledge of literature, prison record, mysterious rash, brain damage, drug addiction, fear of clowns, drinking problem, desire to have children,  former life as a woman, belief in marriage, belief in God, athletic prowess in high school, plans for the future, liking little yapping dogs, owning a sailboat, owning a Ferrari, being a fan of classical music, modern dance and/or ballet, having swum with sharks off Bali, not being gay, knowing a guy who knows a guy who can get a great deal on knock-off handbags, liking cats, having once shared an elevator with Mick Jagger, having read the works of French philosopher Michel Foucault, understanding the works of French philosopher Michel Foucault, knowing who the hell is Michel Foucault, being a nice guy, being a vegetarian, being a good listener, calling her the next day and being interested in more than sex, among other things.

According to legal experts, married men could also face jail time for lying to their wives in order to obtain sex, for example, by saying, "No, those jeans don't make you look fat," or "Yes, I remembered to take out the garbage." In addition, the law is gender neutral, so women are guilty of rape by deception if they utter pre-sex falsehoods such as, "Yes, they're real,"  "No, it's not too small," and "Of course I'd be attracted to you if you weren't rich." 

Citizens of other nations were anxiously following developments in Israel, in case similar laws were enacted in their homelands. Several YouTube videos, that professed to show ways to get sex while being completely honest, quickly went viral.

Meanwhile, in Israel, authorities stuck by their assertion that the law would be applied evenly to all ethnic groups, despite the unforeseen consequences of the ruling. "That's right, no more lying to get sex, by anyone," said one spokesman for the court. "Even if it means cutting the birthrate down to zero. After all, what's the alternative? We don't want people to think we're racists."


For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Get A Job

Economists Say Unemployment
Caused By Unemployed
Also Find Jobless Responsible For Joblessness






 Waiting for the invisible hand of the market.








Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.
Researchers at a conservative think tank released a study today which they say proves conclusively that the main cause of unemployment is the existence of the unemployed. 

"Just think about it," said Professor Milton Bradley, of the University of Chicago's Department of Metaphysical Market Relations. "How can you have unemployment without the unemployed? The two go hand-in-hand. If the unemployed would just stop being unemployed, then unemployment would vanish."

Professor Bradley is one of the authors of the study, titled, "The Free Market And Unemployment - It's Your Own Damn Fault," which was published by the Washington-based Avarice Institute. 

The paper seemed to substantiate the position of several leading Republicans including Nevada GOP Senate candidate Sharron Angle and Pennsylvania's Lt. Governor Tom Corbett who said recently that, "the jobs are there, but if we keep extending unemployment, people are just going to sit there."

The researchers also found that sick people are responsible for the high cost of high health care and that children are putting a drain on the nation's educational system. "In each of these cases government should stop trying to intervene and let the invisible hand of the market take care of the problem," Professor Bradley said. "There's no incentive to work when you can sit back, spend your retirement savings, move into your car and live on dog food."

Mr. Bradley brushed off any suggestion that there might be a connection between current high unemployment and the fact that businesses have fired millions of workers and have been slow to hire them back. "That's just a coincidence," he insisted. "And even if it doesn't make sense, that's what I'm being paid to say. You don't want me to lose my job, do you?" 

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Dream On

Palin Calls On GOP To Fund 
Inception Research
Dream Invasion Technology To Replace Fox News







Is it all a dream?






Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.
Saying that, "techno progress," would lead to new advances in, "thinkology," former Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin called on her party to immediately fund research into dream manipulation technology as depicted in the hit movie, Inception.
"Dream interceding would be an excellent way for us to refudiate the lies of the liberal media," she said, via Twitter.
Later, on her Facebook page, the former part-term Governor of Alaska said that it would be wrong to, "misunderestimate the power of brainwave interprelating as a way to overcome the filternation of the press and speak in a directnified way right at the populaticon."
Some minutes later, apparently after being informed that the technology in the movie was entirely fictional and impossible to replicate in the real world, Ms. Palin, host of the Discovery Channel series, Sarah Palin's Alaska, posted a new Twitter message.

"People make up new technological all the time. Edison made up new science. So did Albert Eisenhower. Why shouldn't we?"

Finally, Ms. Palin sought to clarify her previous remarks with another post on Facebook.

"Language is a livable thing.  So is reality. Shakespeare made up new words and we can make up new reality. Just see what I can dream up. You betcha!"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Where In The World?

Gay Marriage Legal In Argentina
Texas School Board Removes Country From Textbooks








This area will be left blank.










Richieville News Service - AUSTIN
In a move hailed by conservative groups, the Texas School Board today announced it was removing the country of Argentina from its geography curriculum, and that the South American nation would no longer appear on maps and globes used in the state.

"If the people of Argentina want to condone gay marriage,  that's their business," said Herbert R. Sowerberry, a member of the board. "But gay marriage is not going to be taught in our schools - and neither is the existence of Argentina."

Other geographic areas to be banned from Texas school materials include: Iceland, Canada, Portugal, the Netherlands, Belgium, South Africa, Mexico City, Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut and Iowa. "And if California changes it mind again, they're out, too," Mr. Sowerberry insisted.

School board members seemed unconcerned that Texas school children might grow up unaware of large sections of Europe, South America and most of New England. "Heck, they don't know about evolution, the Big Bang theory or the Enlightenment and they seem to do just fine," said Mr. Sowerberry. "I mean, they might not be able to become airline pilots or plan a car trip from Nebraska to Illinois, but at least they won't be corrupted by  knowing that two adults of the same sex can declare their undying love for one another."

Mr. Sowerberry acknowledged that even though Argentina would no longer appear in the Texas curriculum, it would continue to exist as the second largest country in South America. "Yeah, that's a problem," he said. "We have the right to keep the children of Texas in ignorance, but the School Board doesn't have the right  to invade another country, not yet. But we could always change the textbooks to say we do."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Made In China

China Offers To Sell Jobs To The U.S.
Will Loan Us The Money To Buy Them 














 Can Americans make their own iPads?




Richieville News Service - BEIJING
Faced with a growing labor shortage that has left employers struggling to fill positions, the Chinese Ministry of Finance today announced plans to sell some of the country's extra jobs to the United States.  

"We feel kind of dumb," said Zhu XiaoMin, an analyst for the Bank of China. "It turns out we took too many jobs from the U.S.  But it's hard to keep track when your economy is growing at over 10 percent a year. Anyway, we thought maybe you guys would like some of them back, with your economy in the toilet and all. That way you Americans can make your own stuff again, like you used to. We'll start you off on something simple, like plastic toys, and you can work up to harder things like  photo voltaic solar panels and bullet trains." 

Mr. Zhu admitted that the new Chinese jobs would only pay about a dollar an hour and so  would probably be taken by illegal immigrants from Latin America. "That's why you sent the jobs to us in the first place," he commented. "You decided you'd rather have cheap tube socks than a high standard of living. Not that I'm criticizing or anything." He said Chinese economists were still searching for a way around this problem. 

"It seems to us that you guys would be better off if you had some sort of national industrial policy and your economy was based on, you know, creating wealth, rather than just thinking up new ways to push money around," Mr. Zhu explained. "But, hey, what do we know?  At least your hedge fund managers are doing really well."

Chinese analysts said that the jobs would be sold under very reasonable terms and that the U.S. government could finance the purchase of the jobs by issuing new bonds which would, in turn, be bought by the Chinese government, an arrangement Mr. Zhu described as a "win-win."

Many of the details of the plan remain to be worked out, but the Chinese seemed confident that it would be a success. "And if for some reason it doesn't work out," Mr. Zhu concluded, "no worries - you can just send the jobs back to us. We know what to do with them."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

What Goes Up

Scientist Says Gravity Is An Illusion
Wall Street Sees Economic Opportunity
GOP Blames Obama













Better get yours now.





Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY

Cities across the globe were eerily calm today, following reports that respected Dutch physicist and string theory expert Erik Verlinde has found that gravity, long thought to be one of the fundamental forces of nature,  is in fact an illusion. In response to the news, governments had braced for riots, mass hysteria, nationwide traffic jams and a descent into cannibalistic savagery, but the disturbances so far have not materialized. 

Law enforcement officials said they believed that panic and civil unrest were averted thanks to widespread dissemination of Professor Verlinde's paper, "On The Origin of Gravity and the Laws of Newton."  Although dismayed to learn that there is no force to keep us from flying off the face of the planet, readers of the paper were relieved by its explanation that, "Newton's law of gravitation is shown to arise naturally and unavoidably in a theory in which space is emergent through a holographic scenario."  

On Wall Street, stocks rose sharply on reports of a huge upturn in sales of Crazy Glue, Velcro, staples, nails, duct tape and other fastening products as millions of people sought to make sure their possessions, spouses, children and pets did not float away. Home Depot and other hardware retailers also reported brisk turnover in rope, clamps and bungee cords. Some financial analysts were predicting that with the repeal of the laws of gravity, the Dow would  climb past 16,000 by the end of the year, but others were more cautious.

Meanwhile, the Republican leadership in Congress was quick to blame the non-existence of  gravity on President Obama and said this turn of events was further proof of the Democrats' hidden agenda to destroy the very fabric of our society and change the nature of  spacetime as defined by Einstein.

"We don't understand a word of what that string theory guy is talking about,"  said GOP spokesman Greg Podnsap, "but we know he's dead wrong. Maybe those Europeans are ready to give up gravity without a fight, but real Americans are going to hold on to it- with both hands!"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Those Were The Days

Tea Party, Amish, Hasids To Meet, 
Choose Favorite Era Of Distant Past  












A planning meeting for the conference.


Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY
Leaders of groups representing the U.S. Tea Party movement, the Amish people of Pennsylvania, and several Hasidic congregations of Brooklyn have agreed to meet next month with the aim of choosing a  common favorite period from the distant past.    

"For decades conservatives have wanted to go back to the 1950's, when discrimination was legal, women knew their place and there were no gay people," said  Herbert Sowerberry, a spokesman for the Tea Party movement. "But that's not far enough. We believe what this country needs is to go back even further, to the  good old days when most people were illiterate and the nearest government was a day's ride away by horseback. So we looked around to see who had the most experience rejecting modern life."

Of his group's proposed alliance with ultra-orthodox Jewish sects, Mr. Sowerberry said,  "It's simple. We want to return to the agrarian economy of America around 1790. The Hasids want to remain as they were in Poland around 1730. I admit there are some differences, but the main thing is we both want to live in an idealized version of the past."

At the conference, to be held at Colonial Williamsburg, Virginia, the Tea Party and the Hasids will be joined by a regiment of Civil War re-enactors, a Stone Age tribe from New Guinea and the employees of the Renaissance Faire of Tuxedo Park, N.Y.  The groups must also find a way to accommodate the Amish, a branch of the Mennonite Church who have forsworn electricity and other modern inventions in favor of the  peasant lifestyle of late-17th Century Switzerland. 

The Tea Party leader emphasized that all the groups want a society based on religious values, and merely had to decide which religion that should be. He also said that the Taliban, which desires to live as the followers of the prophet Muhammad did in Seventh Century Arabia, initially applied to be part of the conference but their participation was canceled because of the likelihood that they would try to kill everyone else in attendance.

"We're still working out the details," Mr. Sowerberry said of the planned Utopia.  "We really don't want to give up electricity, but we might be willing to trade that if the other groups will adopt English as their official language. However, there are two things we will not compromise on – small government and a working post office so our members can get their Social Security checks. Plus those Renaissance Faire people can forget about it, because I am not wearing tights."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Bulls Or Bears?

Bankers To Be Traded Like NBA Stars
Will Get Endorsement Deals, Bubblegum Cards
















He only gets a measly $18 million a year.


Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY
Inspired by the media frenzy over LeBron James' decision to play for the Miami Heat, several large banks and hedge funds have decided to band together and form their own NBA, or National Bankers' Association. In the new NBA, banks will not only compete for billions in profit, but for a national championship called the Lucre Cup, and bankers will be traded in the same way as professional athletes.

"People got so excited about LeBron," said Julius Veneering, the new commissioner of the banking NBA. "But what does he make? A lousy $18 million a year.  Peanuts compared to some hedge fund managers! People complain that athletes get paid obscene sums for throwing a ball through a hoop. But our players get paid that much for doing absolutely nothing." 

In the new league, major banks and hedge funds would be assigned to cities, although their headquarters would remain in New York. Proposed teams include the Bank of America Greenbacks, the Wells Fargo Simoleons and the Chase Manhattan Moolahs.  Fans will be able to collect National Banking Association trading cards and wear the jerseys of their favorite banker, although it is expected that all NBA teams will wear pinstripes.

Mr. Veneering said he expected top bankers to be offered lucrative endorsement deals. "I mean, who would you rather have on a Wheaties box?" he asked. "Some ridiculously overpaid, spoiled athlete or some even more ridiculously  overpaid, spoiled investment banker? Who's a better role model for our kids? Bankers may rip off the entire country but at least they don't take steroids."

"We've known for a long time that money is America's religion - but we think it should also be our national pastime. We've made money by trading everything else you can imagine - now we're going to trade ourselves."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Friday, July 9, 2010

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Thursday, July 8, 2010

Emotional Deficit

Robots Create Empathy In Humans 
But Fail To Work On Senators












Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.
Researchers who are using a robot baby seal to help patients develop empathy and emotional attachments, reported today that surprisingly, the device does not work on U.S. Senators. The robot, called Paro, was originally developed in Japan where some people keep it as a pet, but therapists have been using it because of the mechanical seal's ability to elicit feelings of compassion and love. Now scientists are saying they have been unable to achieve similar results when using the device on Capitol Hill.

"It's really weird," said Dr. Joy Rapport, one of the researchers who tested Paro on current members of Congress. "Usually after a minute or two with Paro, people start to feel sympathy, empathy and a whole range of feelings that show an emotional connection, but with Senators, we get nothing, zero, nada. I mean, Paro works on people with dementia, but with these politicians there's no response at all. It's like that part of their brains is missing."

Dr. Rapport would not speculate on the effect this emotional deficit might have on Senate votes like the one that blocked extending unemployment benefits for the millions of Americans who are out of work and about to lose what meager income they still have. 

"We don't yet know why they vote the way they do," said Dr. Rapport. "It could be that they have some sort of unusual brain damage that makes it impossible to sympathize with a fellow human being, or it could be that they are just cold-blooded, cynical, political hacks who are intentionally wrecking the lives of their fellow Americans. We're still investigating."

Dr. Rapport did say there was at least one positive aspect to the Senators' interaction with the robot baby seal. "I'll give them this much, they may not have felt any sympathy for Paro, but at least they didn't try to club it to death and sell its fur."


For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Hot Enough For You?

Climate Change Critics Faint From Heat
Outdoor Press Conference Canceled







Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY
An outdoor press conference in Lower Manhattan called to dispute claims of global warming had to be canceled today when several of the scheduled speakers were felled by heat exhaustion. New York City, like much of the Northeast, has been suffering through a record-breaking heat wave, with temperatures hitting over 100 degrees. But organizers of the event said the unusual temperatures would have no effect on their views of climate change.

"A few days of record-breaking temperatures don't prove anything," said Stanley Merdle, a meteorologist for WKRP in Cincinnati, and one of the climate change critics who had been scheduled to speak. "Neither does the hottest year on record, the hottest decade on record, the melting glaciers, the thawing permafrost, the persistent drought in parts of Africa, the drowning polar bears, the giant hurricanes, the early arrival of spring, the changes in ocean currents or the fact that I almost passed out after walking one block down Broadway."

Mr. Merdle spoke from the air-conditioned safety of the lobby of an office building where he and the other climate change deniers had taken refuge after experiencing fainting spells, heart palpitations and severe heat rash after standing outside for five minutes. In between gulps of water, the weatherman waved a thick stack of papers which he said was a study that proved climate change does not exist. The study, conducted by a research organization called Concerned Scientists For Climate, was funded by the American Petroleum Institute. 

"Now, snowstorms are entirely different," Mr. Merdle continued. "Remember Snowmaggedon, back in February? And the way Senator Inhofe built an igloo on his front lawn and called it Al Gore's home? This heat wave doesn't mean a thing, but a blizzard? In February? I mean, what other proof do you need? Now, excuse me while I go jump in the East River."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

You're The One That I Want

Iran Lists Official Haircuts, 
Plans National Production Of Grease













A casting agent with approved haircuts.

Richieville News Service - TEHERAN
Iran’s Ministry of Culture and Islamic Guidance today released photographs of haircuts it considered appropriate for young men. The hairstyles, many reminiscent of ones that were popular in the 1950's, are part of a two-pronged effort to reduce un-Islamic influences and at the same time prepare the country for next summer's tour of the musical Grease.

"We're want to encourage proper grooming in our young people," said Jaled Khodayar, one of the Ministry officials behind the new hair codes. "And we're looking for our perfect Iranian Danny and Sandy." She was referring, of course, to the characters played by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John in the hit movie based on the Broadway musical. "We think these haircuts will really help our casting process."

Ms. Khodayar said the Ministry expected young men to adopt the haircuts in the hope of being plucked from obscurity and finding fame in the spotlight, singing hit tunes such as "You're The One That I Want," "Born To Hand Jive," and the title number, "Grease."

"And if they don't get cast, at least they won't wind up in prison," Ms. Khodayar added. She said that the feared Iranian morality police would be roving the streets, ensuring compliance and looking for likely candidates for the roles of Doody, Sonny and Putzie.  

"It turns out that Ahmadinejad  is something of a musical theater nut," Ms. Khodayar said, explaining the seeming contradiction of an Islamic Republic production of  a rock and roll musical. "Who knew? Just be glad we didn't go with his first choice - Cats."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

What's In a Name?

Oil, Coal To Get New Names
Fossil Fuel Industry Launches Major Rebranding Campaign
















Oil wells are a thing of the past.

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C. 
In a major re-branding campaign aimed at countering negative public perceptions of their products, the fossil fuel industry today announced that oil and coal would be sold under new names, ones designed to highlight their "likeability" and "friendliness."

"Oil and coal are things of the past," said Terry Podsnap, a spokesman for Earth.Green, a fossil fuel trade organization. "Today, let me introduce you to Ollie and Carol, your energy friends."

In addition to being the new names for oil and coal, Ollie and Carol are also the names of characters created by the same design team that came up with Wenlock and Mandville, the mascots for the 2012 London Olympics. According to press material, Ollie and Carol live in a magic organic garden at the base of an ancient redwood tree near an unspoiled wetlands in a house powered by the wings of friendly butterflies.

The public will be introduced to Ollie and Carol over the next few weeks through  print, television and Internet advertising,  YouTube videos and  Twitter posts. They will have their own Facebook page and the Disney Channel is developing an animated Ollie and Carol television program. 

Earth.Green said it hoped the re-branding effort would go a long way to repairing the damage caused by the Gulf oil spill and the recent West Virgina mine disaster. "Mountain top removal for coal mining sounds bad," said Ms. Podsnap, "but who could be against getting Carol out from under a ton of rock? Everyone is against oil spills, but Ollie on the water sounds like fun, doesn't it?"

The Earth.Green spokesman said if the early response to the Ollie and Carol marketing campaign was positive the trade group would move ahead with its next re-branding effort. "Say good-bye to Global Warming," she told reporters. "And say hello to Willy Weather!"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I, Spy? Part II

Facebook Creates New "Foreign Spy" Status
Vows To Keep Information Private












Better check your friends list.

Richieville News Service - PALO ALTO
Delivering what it said was another improvement in service, the social networking site Facebook today announced that its 300 million users would now be able to choose "foreign spy" as a status for their profile pages. The announcement came soon after news that at least one of the alleged members of the recently-arrested Russian spy ring had a Facebook page

"This is what Facebook is all about, telling the world who you are and connecting with other people just like you," said Mindy Lammle, Facebook Vice-President for Personality Definition. "This is especially important when you're just starting out, infiltrating a new country. It makes it so much easier to stay in touch."

Ms. Lammle promised that thanks to new Facebook privacy controls, spies would be able to limit viewers of their profiles to "friends," "friends of friends," or "friends in high-level government jobs." She said it would be easy for foreign agents to set up their profile pages, using Facebook's automated system to search their computers and upload their address books and she added that Facebook would never share  spies' private information, including safe house addresses, secret codes and of course, name of employer.

Although so far  it has only been alleged that Russian spies are on Facebook, Ms. Lammle said she was sure the new status option would show that agents of many countries are already on the network. "People put everything on Facebook," she said. "Why not this?"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.