Richieville Health News

Hydrofracking: 

Not As Much Fun As It Sounds

Not what you thought it was?

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON

Officials in several states have joined together to launch a new public health initiative, aimed at the increasing number of young people who have mistaken the term hydrofracking for a sexual euphemism, often with disastrous results. Hydrofracking is in fact a controversial method for fracturing deep shale deposits to release natural gas, not a slang term for  a sex act involving swimming pools, bathtubs or car washes.

The public health campaign, under the slogan, "Hydrofrack Is Whack," will produce a series of television and Internet commercials aimed at teens. Several celebrities have agreed to  participate including Snooki,  Bow Wow, Sophie from the  tenth season of Big Brother UK, and a Kardashian to be named later. 

Organizers of the campaign have expressed concern that their efforts will be seen as  supporting critics of the mineral extraction type of hydrofracking. According to campaign director Terrence Nightingale, the ads are directed only at idiotic behavior on the part of sexually curious teens.

"We are not commenting on the wisdom of injecting high pressure water and toxic chemicals into deep shale deposits, which can poison the water table and releases natural gas into the soil where it then migrates into people's homes and comes out of their faucets. We just want teens to know that hydrofracking is definitely not something you want to be doing on a  Saturday night."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Enough, Already

Rich Agree To Give Up Bush Tax Cuts,

Say They Finally Have Enough Crap

 Eleven is enough.

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON

In a development that most economists believed  was impossible, thousands of wealthy Americans are making it known that they are willing to give up the Bush era tax cuts currently under debate in Washington. Although the news flies in the face of accepted views of human nature,  many of the nation's affluent seem to have finally reached some sort of natural saturation point for material accumulation and are saying that they just don't need any more stuff. 

"It was after I bought my twelfth house," said Mark Veneering, who acquired billions after inheriting his family's mountaintop removal mining business. "I kept forgetting where the front door was. At first I just hired someone to follow me around and show me the way out when I got lost, but then I thought, maybe I don't really need twelve houses - so I sold one. So if you really think you need a few thousand bucks to do stuff like give kids health care, I guess I can spare it now."

Mr. Veneering is not alone. Harry J. Lammle, who amassed a huge fortune by exporting expired infant formula to developing nations, had a similar epiphany. "One day I just woke up and it just hit me - I didn't need a $75,000 watch. I realized it made a lot more sense to own two $35,000 watches. Now I finally feel I can afford to help pay for teachers and firemen and all that other stuff."

Economists have been taken aback by this sudden turn of events. "We think this is a phenomenon known as the Mazuma Fatigue Horizon," said  Professor Molly Brown of Northumbria University. "It occurs when one percent of the population owns more than 45 percent of all wealth in a society, a figure we are approaching in the U.S. Basically it's a form of accumulation overload - after a while your brain just can't process ways to spend any more money."

Professor Brown cautioned that the new-found generosity of the affluent was likely to be temporary and that soon they would return to their steadfast refusal to give up a single plasma television, sport car or $800 pair of shoes. 

"I think you have a window of about two weeks," she said.  "So if you need to fix any bridges or build a school or two, now is the time. Because after this, you can forget about it!"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Thou Shalt Not

Archaeologists Uncover Lost Commandments

New Edicts Against Burning Koran, 
Blaming Gays For Weather

 Better listen up.

Richieville News Service - JERICHO

In a stunning development that goes to the very foundation of Judeo-Christian belief, a team of archaeologists say they have found ancient scrolls that contain numerous additional commandments issued by God to the people of Israel on Mount Sinai.  The new edicts, which scholars say must be added to the ten already contained in the Bible, are amazingly detailed and include injunctions against burning Korans, blaming gay people for hurricanes and invoking God's name when winning an Academy Award.

"We're still translating them from the Aramaic," said  Dr. Robert Langdon, professor of Expired Languages and Pre-Biblical Media at Northumbria University. "But some of them are pretty clear. Like this one: 'Thou shalt not threaten to burn Korans in Gainesville, Florida and say that you're carrying out the will of God when in fact you're just being a publicity hungry moron.' Amazing, isn't it? We still can't figure out how the ancient Hebrews knew that Gainesville is in Florida."

Speaking to reporters here, Dr. Langdon listed a few of the other new commandments. "Thou shalt not blame gay people for hurricanes, earthquakes, floods or other natural disasters. I'm not aiming at anyone in particular. Thou shalt not be the governor of South Carolina and have an affair with a woman in Argentina. Thou shalt not be a senator from Louisiana and visit prostitutes. Thou shalt not be a right-wing television commentator and then  say I told you to have a rally at  the Lincoln Memorial  on the anniversary of Dr. King's, 'I Have A Dream' speech.'"

"The list goes on and on," Professor Langdon said.  "There are hundreds, maybe thousands of them. Apparently God felt that ten general commandments weren't enough - he needed to be lot more specific. I mean why else would he give us this one? 'Thou shalt not be an evangelical pastor and a leading opponent of gay marriage and then hire a rent boy to go on vacation with you in Spain.' I mean, that's pretty unambiguous, don't you think?"

The new commandments were found  in the same caves where the famous Dead Sea scrolls were discovered,  and scholars say there is no question as to their authenticity. But their discovery does pose problems, especially for conservative politicians who have been fighting to have the ten commandments displayed in court houses and public buildings around the country.

"Luckily, there's a commandment about that, too," Dr. Langdon pointed out.  "'Thou shalt not try to force your narrow and infantile view of religion on people by undermining the separation of church and state.' Now, that's one heck of a commandment!"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Those Were The Days

Republicans Hope To 

Ride Wave Of Nostalgia

Voters Yearn For Good Old Days Of 2008

 The good old days.

Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON

Republican strategists across the country believe they are poised to make big gains in the coming midterm elections, based on poll numbers that show many voters gripped by an unexplained wave of nostalgia for the year 2008. According to pollsters, this collective national yearning hits across the political spectrum and takes the form of a longing for a bygone era when life seemed simpler.

"Life seemed simpler then," remarked Horace T. Pettigrew, an online used car salesman and  self-described Tea Party member from   Grand Rapids, Michigan. "David Cook was the American Idol - remember him? And the entire world economy was about to collapse. Boy, do I miss that."

Mary G. Pendergast, a hair extensions importer from Fort Worth, also remembers 2008 as a high point. "That was the year Matt chose Shayne on The Bachelor.  Also we were fighting two open-ended wars in Asia. Why couldn't things go on like that forever? Back then the whole world hated us - the way they're supposed to. Plus, in 2008, I'm pretty sure we didn't have any Muslims living in the U.S. We sure didn't have one in the White House."

Surprisingly, the desire to return to the days before Lady Gaga, 3-d movies and a national health insurance  law includes supporters of President Obama as well as opponents. Marvin B. Pottishaw, a video blogger from Sacramento, was an enthusiastic supporter of candidate Obama in 2008. "Before Obama I had never voted for a candidate I liked who actually won," he said with wistful look.  "It was easy to have an opinion about politics - I just automatically hated anyone in power. Now I can't tell if Obama is trying his best against very tough opposition or is he just another Democratic sellout? It's very disorienting. At least with Bush  I knew what to think."

While anecdotal evidence suggests that some voters may not harbor a wish to return to the idyllic days of 24 months ago, for others the choice is clear. "I'm voting for anyone who can restore things the way they were," said Mr. Pettigrew. "There's still hope. The Democrats haven't been able to mess everything up. We still have an economic crisis, Afghanistan, tax cuts for the rich, global warming and a load of other stuff left over from the past. And  best of all, there's still a couple of Bushes who haven't been President yet."

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Back To The Future

Y2K Disaster Nearing 

End Of First Decade

Scientists Search For Software Fix

The source of our all our problems?








Richieville News Service - NEW YORK CITY

Hundreds of computer engineers and social scientists, who until recently shared the belief that the Y2K problem had been narrowly avoided in the year 2000, have now come to the startling conclusion that the much-feared apocalyptic disaster did occur, and is responsible for most of the unfortunate events of the past ten years. 

"It took us a while to connect the dots," said Dr. Cora Petersen, Professor of  Cataclysmic Engineering at Northumbria University. "At first we thought we'd dodged a bullet, but now we see it's actually a lot worse than we predicted. I mean, I thought there'd be some computer crashes or maybe the records at the motor vehicles bureau would be wiped out. But a worldwide bank failure and the destruction of New Orleans? That's really bad."

Although Professor Petersen said there was no direct proof that catastrophic events since the year 2000 have been the result of software problems, she, like many of her colleagues, believe there is no other plausible explanation.

"How else can you explain everything that's happened?" she insisted. "George Bush manages to become President of the U.S., terrorists attacks, war in Afghanistan, war in Iraq, giant hurricanes, food shortages, the Gulf oil spill, rising deficits, ten percent unemployment - it all traces back to the year 2000."

Ms. Petersen said the recent discovery of the ongoing Y2K crisis, though disturbing, did contain a silver lining. "Hey, if this is all just a software problem, then we can fix it," she pointed out. "That's a lot better than finding out that the basic mechanisms of democracy are broken, our society has entered an irreversible decline and we've ruined our planet for generations to come. Instead, all we have to do is change a few lines of code and reset the clocks on the world's computers. Then we can start the decade over from the beginning. So this is good news - we get to have a do-over!"

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.