Category Archives: 2008 election

John Thumb

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McCAIN SHRINKS, DISAPPEARS

Two-Inch High Candidate Lost In Flower Bed
Secret Service agents searching for the Republican candidate.
Richieville News Service -WASHINGTON, D.C.
A spokesman for the campaign of Senator John McCain revealed today that the Republican presidential candidate had begun shrinking days ago and was now missing due to the carelessness of a campaign staffer. At turns tearful and defiant, campaign manager Rick Davis said the Arizona senator was last seen falling from the pocket of a senior aide, where he had been put for safekeeping.
“It all started when Obama went to Iraq,” Mr. Davis told reporters. He said that at first, the campaign had tried to hide the senator’s loss of stature by having him stand on a series of boxes, but his condition soon proved too hard to conceal. “He just kept getting smaller and smaller, with each new country Obama visited, till finally, after that speech in Berlin, he was no bigger than my thumb.” 
While Mr. Davis spoke, Secret Service agents could been seen combing a large flower bed outside of campaign headquarters. Officials held out hope that Mr. McCain’s experience as a combat pilot and prisoner of war would help him survive attacks by ants, bees or earthworms. 
“I know he’s trying to contact us,” Mr. Davis said, “It’s just that his voice is so high and squeaky, kind of like Alvin and the Chipmunks. But we all believe he’s going to make it – as long as he doesn’t run into any cats.”  

Identity Crisis

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Obama Or Osama?

Amazingly, People Of The Middle East
Have No Trouble Telling Them Apart
Somehow Afghan President Hamid Karzai knew this wasn’t Osama Bin Laden.

Richieville News Service – KABUL, AFGHANISTAN
The surprising results of a new poll released today show that the people of the Middle East, unlike some Americans, have absolutely no trouble distinguishing between Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama and the al-Qaida terrorist mastermind, Osama bin Laden. Close to 100 percent of adults in Afghanistan, Iraq and Jordan seem to be able to grasp that the two men, although having somewhat similar names, are actually different people. In fact, by an overwhelming margin, those contacted for the poll seemed perplexed by the question.
A typical response was that of Abdoul Kabir, a street vendor in Kabul, who said, in English, “What are you, some kind of moron?” Standing nearby, his cousin, Farouk Nejrabi, nodded in agreement. “Everyone knows Barack Obama is a Christian,” he said. “You ever hear of Reverend Wright? From his church? Like, duh!”
Their sentiments were echoed elsewhere in the region. In Jordan, where Senator Obama recently met with King Abdullah, the vast majority believe that there is a significant difference between the ruthless leader of international jihad and the junior senator from Illinois. Furthermore, a random sampling of opinion indicated that no one had the slightest difficulty in telling them apart.
“Osama bin Laden is a terrorist,” Mohammed al-Tabba explained patiently, while sitting at the wheel of his taxi in Amman. “Barack Obama was a community organizer on the south side of Chicago. Now do you get it?”
When pressed, Mr. al-Tabba admitted that Senator Obama’s last name and Mr. bin-Laden’s first name are pretty similar. Still, he maintained that any fairly intelligent person could avoid mixing them up. “Look, ” he pointed out with just a trace of exasperation. “You had two presidents named George Bush. Do you have trouble telling them apart?”
It is not clear why the people of the troubled region do not suffer from the same confusion as many Americans. But Mr. al-Tabba had a theory. “You know, people here have suffered through war and civil war and invasion and civil disorder and poverty, but we have one big advantage over the people of the United States. We don’t get Fox News.”