Category Archives: Afghanistan

Friend Or Foe?

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Losing Track Of Alliances, 
Taliban Group Attacks Itself

Richieville News Service – KABUL

Confused by shifting alliances in the conflict in Afghanistan, a Taliban group known as the  Haqqani network today declared itself an, “enemy of Islam,” and launched an attack on its own mountain stronghold.  The fighters were apparently disoriented after reading news reports that the Pakistani military and the government of Afghan president Hamid Karzai were engaged in secret negotiations to have the Taliban group switch sides.
“It’s just very confusing,” said an apologetic Abdullah Mesud, a commander of one of the Haqqani combat units. “We get money from Pakistan and Pakistan is an ally of the United States, so that must mean we are an ally of the United States, right?”
The Haqqani network, which is based in the tribal areas of Pakistan but has carried out many attacks in Afghanistan, has indeed been supported for years by the Pakistani military, which  is an ally of the United States. It was this arrangement which led to the group’s understandable uncertainty, since all along they have been fighting United States troops, NATO forces and the Afghan government.
General David Petraeus, poised to take command of the U.S. forces in Afghanistan, was said to be carefully studying the situation and preparing flash cards to help him remember which of our allies are paying people to kill us, which are not and which are so corrupt that we can’t be sure what they are doing. 
Mr. Mesud said that despite the complex web of deceit and intrigue, his group remains determined to carry on the conflict. “Death to America!” he said as he prepared his fighters to launch another attack on his own position. ” And death to us, too, I guess.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Please Quote Me!

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Troops In Afghanistan Mob Reporters,
Seeking To Give Rolling Stone Interviews

Richieville News Service – KABUL
U.S. troops across Afghanistan eagerly sought out journalists today as they tried, unsuccessfully, to give interviews to reporters from Rolling Stone Magazine. The soldiers were reacting to news reports that General Stanley A. McChrystal, after being quoted in the magazine as being highly critical of the Obama administration, had been summoned to Washington and might be replaced. The troops stationed here, many on their third or even fourth deployment, seem to have universally come to the same conclusion, that insulting a member of the administration and being quoted in Rolling Stone is the equivalent of a ticket home.
As a result of this widely-held belief, journalists across Afghanistan were being met today by cries of, “Hey! Are you from Rolling Stone? Joe Biden is a moron!” Upon being told that the journalist in question is not from Rolling Stone, the soldiers invariable reply with a suggestion that cannot be reprinted in a family newspaper.
Lt. Elise Q. Rodriguez, stationed at Bagram Air Base, explained the soldiers’ reactions. “If I had known that insulting James L. Jones could get me sent home, I would have done it months ago. James L. Jones is an idiot. How’s that? Insulting enough? I can be more insulting if you want. By the way, who the hell is James L. Jones? Isn’t he, like, the voice of Darth Vader? No? You did say you were from Rolling Stone, right? No? Well, then go (expletive deleted).”
It is not clear why the soldiers believe that only an interview with Rolling Stone would have the desired effect. Soldiers are notoriously superstitious and the feeling among some here is that only saying exactly the same words to the same magazine will result in being recalled to the United States. For that reason, many of the troops have downloaded the original story and are in the process of memorizing it. 
“Do you know any reporters for Rolling Stone?” L.t Rodriguez asked this reporter. “No? Well, do you have a phone number for one? Can you get me a phone number? An email address?  Anything? No? Well, then what (expletive deleted) good are you?”
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.