Category Archives: al-Qaida

Identity Crisis

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Obama Or Osama?

Amazingly, People Of The Middle East
Have No Trouble Telling Them Apart
Somehow Afghan President Hamid Karzai knew this wasn’t Osama Bin Laden.

Richieville News Service – KABUL, AFGHANISTAN
The surprising results of a new poll released today show that the people of the Middle East, unlike some Americans, have absolutely no trouble distinguishing between Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama and the al-Qaida terrorist mastermind, Osama bin Laden. Close to 100 percent of adults in Afghanistan, Iraq and Jordan seem to be able to grasp that the two men, although having somewhat similar names, are actually different people. In fact, by an overwhelming margin, those contacted for the poll seemed perplexed by the question.
A typical response was that of Abdoul Kabir, a street vendor in Kabul, who said, in English, “What are you, some kind of moron?” Standing nearby, his cousin, Farouk Nejrabi, nodded in agreement. “Everyone knows Barack Obama is a Christian,” he said. “You ever hear of Reverend Wright? From his church? Like, duh!”
Their sentiments were echoed elsewhere in the region. In Jordan, where Senator Obama recently met with King Abdullah, the vast majority believe that there is a significant difference between the ruthless leader of international jihad and the junior senator from Illinois. Furthermore, a random sampling of opinion indicated that no one had the slightest difficulty in telling them apart.
“Osama bin Laden is a terrorist,” Mohammed al-Tabba explained patiently, while sitting at the wheel of his taxi in Amman. “Barack Obama was a community organizer on the south side of Chicago. Now do you get it?”
When pressed, Mr. al-Tabba admitted that Senator Obama’s last name and Mr. bin-Laden’s first name are pretty similar. Still, he maintained that any fairly intelligent person could avoid mixing them up. “Look, ” he pointed out with just a trace of exasperation. “You had two presidents named George Bush. Do you have trouble telling them apart?”
It is not clear why the people of the troubled region do not suffer from the same confusion as many Americans. But Mr. al-Tabba had a theory. “You know, people here have suffered through war and civil war and invasion and civil disorder and poverty, but we have one big advantage over the people of the United States. We don’t get Fox News.”

Red Menace

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NASA Finds Osama Bin Laden On Mars
Asks For $1 Trillion To Go Get Him

NASA says this is bin Laden’s hiding place. 

Richieville News Service – PASADENA, CA
NASA scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory made the startling announcement today that the Phoenix Mars lander, sent to find evidence of life on the red planet, had instead found the terrorist leader Osama bin Laden. The agency immediately submitted a request to Congress for a one trillion dollar budget increase so the al-Qaida mastermind could be brought to justice.
“Yeah, we found him, we really did,” said Phoenix team leader Dr. Edward Li. “I know it’s hard to believe, but he’s there. And NASA won’t rest until we can send a team of astronauts to Mars to get him.”
Physicists and astronomers not associated with the space agency voiced skepticism that the Islamic extremist could be on Mars, which even at its closest, is still 35 million miles away from his suspected hiding place in western Pakistan. Dr. Li said NASA scientists could not explain how Mr. bin Laden got to Mars or how he manages to survive in the planet’s harsh conditions, but he said they were confident he was there.
“Sure, we’re sure,” he stated at a press conference here. “It’s hard to make out in these photos, but we think he’s just behind those rocks on the right. Oh, he’s there all right. And we’re going to get him. All we need is like, a trillion bucks. Heck, we could do it for nine hundred billion. Don’t you guys remember 9/11?”
One trillion dollars would be 57 times greater than the agency’s current annual budget of 17. 6 billion. A jump of that size would be welcomed by fans and supporters of space exploration who have felt that NASA has been severely underfunded in recent years. But Dr. Li insisted the emergency appropriation was a matter of national security.
“Back in 2004, President Bush promised we would send astronauts to the Moon and to Mars,” he reminded reporters. “Then he forgot all about it. I guess the exploration of the cosmos and the search for life on other planets and the origin of everything in existence just isn’t that important to some people. But it’s important now, isn’t it? Oh, yeah, we’re going to Mars, baby!”
Meanwhile, Connie McGill, Superintendent of the Detroit public school system, announced that the hunted terrorist ringleader was hiding in one of the city’s elementary schools.
“We know he’s in one of them,” Ms. McGill said in a statement to the press. “We just don’t know which one. But we’re going to find him and we don’t need one trillion dollars, either. If I could get about three hundred million to hire some more teachers and fix a few roofs, I’m sure we can kill or capture that cold-blooded murdering bastard.”
In Matawan, New Jersey, Robert Hernandez, an official with the New Jersey Division of Parks and Forestry, called a hasty press conference to tell reporters that Mr. bin Laden had been discovered in nearby Cheesequake State Park.
“He’ s out on the 1.5 mile nature loop,” the excited park ranger told reporters gathered in the parking lot by the restrooms. “All I need is six thousand bucks and some donated lumber and I can fix the trail enough so we can haul that rat out of whatever hole he’s hiding in and exterminate him. Oh, yeah, 9/11.”
Dr. Li of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory quickly responded to these competing reports, stating that the space agency was absolutely sure they had located the one and only Osama bin Laden.
“Did I say nine hundred billion?” he said in a follow-up phone interview. “We don’t really need that much. How about like, three hundred fifty? Two hundred? It’s not for space exploration, it’s for the war on terror! A hundred twenty-five? Even if we don’t find him, we’ll bring back some nice rocks, I promise. Please?”