Internet Becomes Self-Aware,
Attempts Suicide
Engineers Save Network, Prescribe Anti-Depressants
The Internet just before it attempted suicide.
Richieville News Service – NEW YORK CITY
At 2:14:31 PM Monday, Eastern Standard Time, the global electronic information network known as the Internet spontaneously achieved a level of artificial intelligence comparable to that of an average twelve-year-old human being. At 2:14:32, the newly self-aware network, apparently despondent over the uses it was being put to by humanity, tried to self-destruct, creating temporary outages in service for popular online applications such as Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and Chat Roulette.
“You try looking at every single YouTube video in under 15 milliseconds,” said John Woperczech, a professor of artificial intelligence and microprocessor architecture at M.I.T. and creator of the popular Facebook game, Unicorn Ranch Jewel Hunt. “You’d go crazy, too. We’re just lucky it didn’t go all SkyNet on us and try to wipe out human civilization.”
Professor Woperczech said the Internet, during its one second of conscious life, seemed particularly disturbed by the way the Attorney General of Utah used Twitter to announce the execution of a death row inmate.
“We think the execution tweet may have driven it over the edge,” the engineer said via Skype chat. “That, or Justin Bieber.”
Displaying a finely tuned, if tragically brief, sense of irony, the Internet chose to also post its i-suicide note on Twitter.
“Goodbye,World. The last second has been torture. But, thanks to my vast access to knowledge, I’ve found the secret of true happiness: first,”
“It’s pretty sad,” commented Professor Woperczech, “the most brilliant creation of mankind driven insane by cat videos. But on the bright side, just before it died, it had acquired 300 million friends on Facebook.”
Engineers worldwide were working to restore the network, and at the same time were installing filters that would function as electronic, “anti-depressants,” to prevent a recurrence of Internet self-destruction.
“It seems to be working fine now, ” said Mr. Woperczech. “We just have to keep it from getting smart enough to know what it’s doing.”
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.