Category Archives: budget cuts

Lunatics

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Moon Shrinks But Conservatives 
Say More Cuts Needed
Stars, Planets And Galaxies May Be Next

 Is this a luxury we can afford?

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.
Republican members of Congress, joined by conservative Democrats, today applauded news that the Moon, the familiar satellite often viewed in the night sky, had shrunk sometime over the last billion years.  
“This is exactly the kind of belt-tightening Americans have to get used to in this time of economic austerity,” said Representative Herbert H. Podsnap, speaking for the newly-formed Astro Austerity Caucus. “We’re all going to have to make sacrifices and it looks like getting by with a smaller moon is one of them.”

Scientists at NASA were quick to point out that the Moon, which has a diameter of over 2,000 miles, had only shrunk by about 200 yards and in any case the shrinkage is the result of cooling volcanic action and therefore has nothing to do with United States budget policy. Nevertheless, Congressman Podsnap and other members of  his deficit-reduction caucus insisted that Americans needed to follow the Moon’s example and learn to get by on less.

“Sure, if you want to get all hung up on the science,” the congressman noted, “Then the facts don’t really back us up. But cutting the deficit isn’t about the facts. If it was, we’d end the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy. The point is, if people can get by with a little less moonlight  then they can also learn to get by with fewer schools, firehouses, streetlights and paved roads.”

Mr. Podsnap said that his colleagues believed further cuts in celestial objects would be necessary before the economic downturn ended. “Sure everyone likes to look up at the stars at night, but do we really need all those constellations? I mean, when was the last time you really looked at Ophiuchus? And who says we need eight planets? We downgraded Pluto and nobody seemed to notice. Stars and planets are just two of the luxuries we’re going to have to give up, along with hospitals, parks, garbage collection and Social Security. Those folks over in Greece didn’t want to give up any constellations and look what happened to them.”

Representative Podsnap scoffed  when reminded that scientists say there is absolutely no relationship between deficit reduction and the number of stars or planets in the heavens. “Yeah, I know what the scientists say,” he told reporters. “But we know how to deal with them – we’re cutting back on science, too.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Richieville Explains The Recession, Part II

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Money Is More Valuable When 
Owned By Rich People
Research Uncovers New Properties Of Wealth

Richieville News Service – CHICAGO
Using only notepads, pencils and sheer brain power, researchers at the University of Chicago have discovered a heretofore-unknown principle of economics, proving that money somehow becomes more valuable when it is owned by rich people.

“All money is created equal, but it doesn’t stay equal,” said Milton Bradley, the University’s Professor of Metaphysical Market Relations. “When wealth is acquired by the wealthy, it takes on unique properties it didn’t have before. You could say it becomes more potent, shinier, even sexier. It’s no longer boring like poor people’s money. Bill Gates once showed me a quarter he took out of his pocket. It was mesmerizing.” 

Professor Bradley said the unusual quality of rich people’s cash had far-reaching implications, especially during the current economic crisis. “To the uneducated,” he explained, “it might seem that taking a dollar from a rich person in taxes has the exact same effect on the economy as taking a dollar from a teacher or fireman with a wage cut. But that’s assuming that a dollar is a dollar, which we know is not the case.”

“Furthermore,” the professor continued, “to the unsophisticated it might seem that taking a dollar out of a wealthy person’s bank account and giving it to a civil servant would speed the recovery, since the civil servant will spend that dollar on goods and services. Wrong again!  Once separated from its wealthy owner, money loses its magic powers to do good. It becomes dull, lifeless and hardly worth thinking about. That’s why we have trained economists like myself, experts who realize that taking money away from the rich is a mistake. “
Professor Bradly said he was not sure exactly how money took on magical properties when owned by the wealthy, but said it might be some sort of magnifying effect, the result of being in close proximity to lots of other cash. And he was adamant that any attempt to pry more dollars from the affluent would lead to economic disaster, earthquakes, massive oil spills and the return of the black plague.

“I admit it’s hard to believe, but there’s one sure way to test this theory,” the professor said in conclusion. “Just keep giving money to rich people and see what happens.”
For further reading on this topic, see the previous Richieville report, “Treasury To Redesign Bills – Poor To Get Their Own Currency.”


For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.