CIA, Army Use Chinese Torture Methods 

 

U.S. torturers say their methods are just as good.

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.

The U.S. security community remained stunned today following reports that the CIA and the military used Chinese torture methods to interrogate detainees at Guantanamo Bay and elsewhere. American torturers, interrogators and security contractors voiced their objection to what is seen as a slap in the face to the U.S. pain-infliction industry. Among private contractors and within the government, the use of foreign torture systems over domestically produced methods is being sharply criticized as unpatriotic and un-American.

“The U.S. is second to none when it comes to mistreating prisoners,” said Duke “Gouger” Smithson, formerly of the Blackwater private security firm. “To go and use abusive techniques from other countries, taking jobs away from American torment designers, especially with the economy the way it is? Well, that’s just immoral.”

American torture experts were shocked to learn that the Chinese interrogation methods were originally developed to elicit false confessions from U.S. prisoners of war in Korea. “When I heard that, it was like someone had attached electrodes to my genitals,” remarked Butch “Nutcracker” Cooper, who said he could tell reporters who he worked for, but then he would have to kill them. “I mean, who is better at getting false and useless information out of suspects than we are?”

Former Navy SEAL, CIA agent and monster truck driver Leslie “Sleep Deprivation” Howard worried that unfair foreign competition might be a body blow to the American agony industry, “Those Chinese torture experts work for peanuts,” he complained. “How are we supposed to compete with that? You know the boards used for waterboarding? I bet the CIA is buying those in China, too!”