Category Archives: DNA

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Quaker Oats Introduces 
New Synthetic Life Cereal

Classic, Multi-Grain And Honey Graham Versions

Richieville News Service – PURCHASE, NY
Following the news that scientists had for the first time created a synthetic form of life, Quaker Oats, a subsidiary of Pepsico, announced today that it was introducing a breakfast cereal using the new life form as its main ingredient. The cereal, a spinoff of the popular Quaker brand Life, will be marketed as a healthful, natural alternative for consumers.
“What’s more natural than life?” said Ms. Velma Lammle, Quaker’s Director of Marketing and Brand Awareness. “And with this delicious new breakfast choice, consumers will be able to enjoy the newest form of life on the planet.”
Speaking to reporters via video conference, Ms. Lammle denied that Quaker was being premature in introducing synthetic organic material into the food chain. “Hey, what’s the big deal?” she said, while holding up a prototype of the new packaging. “You’re already eating genetically-modified corn and soybeans. Have you noticed a statistical increase in harmful genetic mutations? Cause we sure haven’t.”
Ms. Lammle said that Synthetic Life will arrive on supermarket shelves this summer. Material from the new life form will be processed and then made into crunchy bite-sized double helix and the letters A, T, C, and G for adenine, thymine, cytosine, and guanine, the molecules that form the code of DNA. Synthetic Life will also contain modified starch, maltodextrin, lactic acid, caramel color, xanthan gum, lecithin, mono-, di and tri- glycerides, monosodium glutamate, ascorbic acid and high fructose corn syrup.


For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Your Cave Or Mine?

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DNA Evidence Proves Early Humans
Mated With Neanderthals
Also Had Gay Marriage
Richieville News Service – BORDEAUX
As reported in the New York Times, biologists working with DNA from fossil bones believe they have proof that early humans mated with Neanderthals, perhaps 60,000 years ago. “This shows we have a lot to learn about the sexuality of our ancestors,” said Dr. Hans Werfel of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany. 
As if to prove his point, another team of researchers announced they had found evidence of the earliest known gay marriage. The ceremony, which seems to have been attended by a large tribe of stone age hunter-gatherers, took place in a cave in southern France approximately 12,000 years ago, during the last Ice Age. Although the cave had been well-known to paleontologists for many years, it was only recently that scientists realized it was the site of a prehistoric same-sex wedding.
“It was the cave paintings,” said Dr. Henrik Nordanwall, of the Center for Biochemical, Statistical and Expressive Anthropology at the University of Vermont. “For years, we thought the drawings depicted hunting scenes, but new analysis show they are in fact a narrative that when translated means roughly, ‘Oog Has Two Mommies.'”
Dr. Nordanwall said evidence of gay marriage has been found at other neolithic habitation sites, including artifacts such as his and his spear throwers. “We don’t know how common same-sex relationships were among Ice Age tribes,” he said, “but we are finding it was pretty widespread.”
Apparently, there were some tribes that did not accept same-sex unions, with some wall paintings warning that gay marriage would anger, “The Giant Red Auroch Who Lives Under The Waterfall.”  On the other hand, it appears that shamans in many tribes believed that same-sex unions pleased, “The Magic Willow Tree Who Occasionally Steals Goats.” 
“We have a lot to learn about early gay marriage,” said Dr. Nordanwall. “For example, how did same-sex partners divide hunting and gathering?” But he expected knowledge to accumulate quickly now that scientists have a way of identifying neolithic gay marriage locations. “You can find the gay marriage sites pretty easily, once you know how,” he said. “Just look for the caves with the rainbow flag painted over the entrance.”
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel Rate Me Red.