Category Archives: economy

Lunatics

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Moon Shrinks But Conservatives 
Say More Cuts Needed
Stars, Planets And Galaxies May Be Next

 Is this a luxury we can afford?

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.
Republican members of Congress, joined by conservative Democrats, today applauded news that the Moon, the familiar satellite often viewed in the night sky, had shrunk sometime over the last billion years.  
“This is exactly the kind of belt-tightening Americans have to get used to in this time of economic austerity,” said Representative Herbert H. Podsnap, speaking for the newly-formed Astro Austerity Caucus. “We’re all going to have to make sacrifices and it looks like getting by with a smaller moon is one of them.”

Scientists at NASA were quick to point out that the Moon, which has a diameter of over 2,000 miles, had only shrunk by about 200 yards and in any case the shrinkage is the result of cooling volcanic action and therefore has nothing to do with United States budget policy. Nevertheless, Congressman Podsnap and other members of  his deficit-reduction caucus insisted that Americans needed to follow the Moon’s example and learn to get by on less.

“Sure, if you want to get all hung up on the science,” the congressman noted, “Then the facts don’t really back us up. But cutting the deficit isn’t about the facts. If it was, we’d end the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy. The point is, if people can get by with a little less moonlight  then they can also learn to get by with fewer schools, firehouses, streetlights and paved roads.”

Mr. Podsnap said that his colleagues believed further cuts in celestial objects would be necessary before the economic downturn ended. “Sure everyone likes to look up at the stars at night, but do we really need all those constellations? I mean, when was the last time you really looked at Ophiuchus? And who says we need eight planets? We downgraded Pluto and nobody seemed to notice. Stars and planets are just two of the luxuries we’re going to have to give up, along with hospitals, parks, garbage collection and Social Security. Those folks over in Greece didn’t want to give up any constellations and look what happened to them.”

Representative Podsnap scoffed  when reminded that scientists say there is absolutely no relationship between deficit reduction and the number of stars or planets in the heavens. “Yeah, I know what the scientists say,” he told reporters. “But we know how to deal with them – we’re cutting back on science, too.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Get A Job

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Economists Say Unemployment
Caused By Unemployed
Also Find Jobless Responsible For Joblessness

 Waiting for the invisible hand of the market.

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.

Researchers at a conservative think tank released a study today which they say proves conclusively that the main cause of unemployment is the existence of the unemployed. 
“Just think about it,” said Professor Milton Bradley, of the University of Chicago’s Department of Metaphysical Market Relations. “How can you have unemployment without the unemployed? The two go hand-in-hand. If the unemployed would just stop being unemployed, then unemployment would vanish.”
Professor Bradley is one of the authors of the study, titled, “The Free Market And Unemployment – It’s Your Own Damn Fault,” which was published by the Washington-based Avarice Institute. 
The paper seemed to substantiate the position of several leading Republicans including Nevada GOP Senate candidate Sharron Angle and Pennsylvania’s Lt. Governor Tom Corbett who said recently that, “the jobs are there, but if we keep extending unemployment, people are just going to sit there.”
The researchers also found that sick people are responsible for the high cost of high health care and that children are putting a drain on the nation’s educational system. “In each of these cases government should stop trying to intervene and let the invisible hand of the market take care of the problem,” Professor Bradley said. “There’s no incentive to work when you can sit back, spend your retirement savings, move into your car and live on dog food.”
Mr. Bradley brushed off any suggestion that there might be a connection between current high unemployment and the fact that businesses have fired millions of workers and have been slow to hire them back. “That’s just a coincidence,” he insisted. “And even if it doesn’t make sense, that’s what I’m being paid to say. You don’t want me to lose my job, do you?” 
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.