Category Archives: Exxon/Mobil

Who, Us?

BP Is Satan, Say Exxon Mobil, 
Chevron, ConocoPhillips and Shell

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, DC
Executives from four major oil companies testifying before a Congressional committee unanimously agreed that rival British Petroleum was not only responsible for the massive Gulf Coast oil spill but is in fact the spawn of the devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the embodiment of true evil in the world, the Prince of Darkness and really, really bad. The Chairmen of Exxon Mobil, Chevron, ConocoPhillips and Shell made it clear, however, that their companies, the four biggest oil producers in the world, had absolutely nothing in common with British Petroleum, also known by the names the Great Serpent, Adramelech, Leviathan, Bael, Vinz Clortho and Zuul.

“We would not have drilled the well the way they did,” said Rex Tillerson, chief executive of Exxon Mobil. “That’s because we are good and BP is the Great Antichrist.”

The four executives went to great lengths to assure the lawmakers and the public that they would never, ever, do anything irresponsible in the quest for a bigger return on their investment, like say, pollute the Niger River delta in Nigeria, home to 30 million people, or Prince William Sound in Alaska, or the Atlantic, the Pacific and even the Fergana Valley in Uzbekistan. 
“We are pure of heart, our souls are immaculate and angels sing our praises,” said John Watson, Chairman of Chevron. “Trust us, we’re nothing like BP.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

It’s An Honor To Be Nominated

Transcript Of Remarks By Exxon CEO Upon 
Winning No-Bid Oil Contracts In Iraq

On Thursday, four Western oil companies (Exxon Mobil, Shell, Total and BP) announced that they are about to conclude a deal with the government of Iraq to return to that country after 36 years. The no-bid contracts represent the first step toward winning the rights to develop vast new oil fields in the country. Below are the remarks of Exxon CEO Len D’Eramo upon hearing of the contracts.

Wow! This is so exciting! I am completely surprised. This is a complete shock. I never thought we’d win. I can’t believe this is happening. When they called our name, I had, like, an out-of-body experience. (holding up contract) This thing is really heavy. Wow! 
First let me say, it is an honor just to be considered for these contracts alongside 40 other oil companies from Russia, India and so many other countries. I mean, it’s so hard to compare one oil company to another. 
Some are from countries that have troops in Iraq and some aren’t. Some were kicked out when the oil fields were nationalized 36 years ago and some weren’t. Some have advisors working in the Iraq Oil Ministry and some have been shut out by the US. occupation. But who’s to say that one is better than another? We all know that it’s the work that matters, not the trillions of dollars in windfall profits.
I have so many people to thank. There’s the 82nd Airborne and the 101st Airborne and the 25th Infantry Division and the 15th Marine Expeditionary Unit. And all the guys at Halliburton and KBR, and Don Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney who really believed in us from the start, and everyone in the news media who have been so very, very kind. And Shell and BP and Total – part of this is for you! 
I know I’m leaving someone out. I should have written a list! Oh, no! They’re playing the music! But I’m not finished! Oh! I want most of all to thank the American public who buys our products and supports us in so many ways. This is really for you. And … I know there’s someone else! Oh, thank you all so much! This is the best day of my life! I’m so surprised! Really!