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Editorial

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FIRE! FLOOD! FOOD RIOTS!

Time For A Rate Hike, Tax Cut Or Both?

Food rioters in Bangladesh want Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke to consider a rate hike – or food.
In light of the unusual and extreme weather being experienced throughout the U.S., such as the recent HISTORIC FLOOD LEVELS plaguing the Midwest, we find ourselves wondering if it isn’t time for Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke to to consider raising interest rates. It is true that in response to the MILLIONS OF HOME FORECLOSURES and fears of a TOTAL BANKING COLLAPSE, the Fed recently lowered its key funds rate to two percent. This seems to have stabilized investor confidence, at least for the time being. Yet with OIL AT $150 A BARREL, international FOOD SHORTAGES, fears of INFLATIONARY SPIRALS and RIOTS! RIOTS EVERYWHERE!!! we think it prudent to revisit the idea of a rate hike at this time.
Naturally, any changes in the key funds rate would have to be balanced with concerns about distortions in the commodities market brought on by accusations of RAMPANT SPECULATION along with the impact of DEADLY TORNADOES, WATER SPOUTS and WILDFIRES! WILDFIRES! WILDFIRES!!! There is the distinct possibility that these might weaken the economic outlook along with DROUGHT, CROP FAILURES and KILLER TOMATOES! YES, TOMATOES!! That’s why we also strongly back the idea of a new round of tax cuts to stimulate the ECONOMY IN FREEFALL! RISING UNEMPLOYMENT! GAS PRICES! AND DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE KILLER TOMATOES?? It goes without saying that any tax cut must be weighed against the FREAK HEAT WAVES IN JUNE, POWER SHORTAGES, FLOODS OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS! HAIL THE SIZE OF BOWLING BALLS! STARVATION! PESTILENCE! FAMINE! WAR!
We expect Chairman Bernanke to move expeditiously and THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE! We are confident that if DEATH! DOOM! DESTRUCTION! then market forces will go to work and make the necessary corrections ensuring a soft landing some time in DON’T FORGET THE KILLER TOMATOES!!!

Oh, No!

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GOP Solves Gas Crisis

New Cars To Run On Fear

GOP leaders promise no more worries about gas prices. 
Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.
Republican Congressional leaders today proudly revealed a new automotive technology they promised would solve the country’s growing oil and gas crisis. The new cars run on what the GOP leaders say is a constantly renewable energy source – human fear. 
“We realized we had an incredible untapped energy source,” said House minority leader John Boehner at a news conference here. “We have found fear to be very reliable, cheap and easy to generate. Oh, and it does not contribute to global warming.”
The new fear-powered cars, dubbed, “angst-mobiles,”will be able to draw on the energy generated when drivers and passengers experience strong feelings of distrust, apprehension and anxiety. The greater the number of terrified occupants, the faster the cars will go, finally giving motorists an inducement to car pool. Rep. Boehner said that fear-producing stimuli are readily available in the news media and that his party stood ready to make up any deficit that occurred.
“Terrorism, immigrants, gay marriage, fist bumps – the list of fear energy sources is endless,” he explained, standing by a mock-up of one of the new vehicles. “And if people relax too much to make the cars move, we’ll just raise the terror alert level. That always works.”
“Now Americans can now stop worrying about gas prices,” Mr. Boehner concluded. “And start worrying about everything else.”