Genetically Modified Food To Require
Genetically Modified Consumers
Human Mutations Delivered Via Tasty Snack Foods
A genetically-modified salmon seeking FDA approval.
Richieville News Service – NEW YORK CITY
The food processing company Natural Bites today announced plans for a new snack bar that would give consumers the ability to safely digest genetically modified foods. The bars, to be marketed under the brand name, DyNA Mo’s, will work by genetically modifying consumers, inserting in their DNA a protein-making gene taken from a South American guppy native to the Amazon basin.
The announcement came on the heels of news that a type of genetically-modified salmon was close to gaining FDA approval. The fish would be the first genetically-modified animal to be sold for human consumption. Natural Bites, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Evergreen Chemical (formerly Noxxon Petroleum), said their new snack bars, available in eco-friendly biodegradable wrappers, would help allay consumer fears about eating such foods.
“Those genetically altered salmon are completely safe,” said Clyde G. Podsnap, leader of the DyNA Mo’s development team. “After all, what’s one little gene out of a few million? You’d never notice it if you weren’t looking in the right place. But our snack bars will make eating genetically-modified food even safer, while delivering a whole day’s supply of Vitamin C and iron.”
Mr. Podsnap said the gene insertion technology used in the new snack food was completely safe. “We’ve been testing it for like, five or six years,” he said. “It’s true that DNA evolved over hundreds of millions of years, and we really don’t understand how it works, but most of our customers probably don’t believe in evolution anyway, so that shouldn’t be a problem.”
The DyNA Mo’s spokesman added that both his company and the firm that is breeding the genetically-modified salmon had hired former inspectors from the former federal Minerals Management Service to oversee their operations. “We can guarantee that there will be no accidental release of genetically modified salmon into the wild, who will then interbreed with wild salmon and destroy the species,” he said. “Just as we can guarantee that adding a guppy gene to human DNA will not make you grow gills or swim around aimlessly in your bathtub. “
Mr. Podsnap concluded by pointing out that new DyNA Mo’s snack bars will come in Rain Forest Green, Deep Ocean Blue and Organic Orange flavors, and added, “They will fix your DNA – deliciously.”
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.