Category Archives: Gulf of Mexico

The Turtles! The Turtles!

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Sea Turtles Change Migration Route Surround BP Headquarters 
Biologists At Loss To Explain Strange Behavior
Richieville News Service – LONDON
Biologists today remain mystified over strange new migration patterns on the part of rare  Kemp’s Ridley sea turtles, apparently a result of the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The turtles, natives of the Gulf, are usually guided by instinct to swim over hundreds of miles of open sea to return to the same beaches on which they were hatched. Now, however, they have journeyed across the Atlantic to St. James Square, London, where thousands of them have surrounded the headquarters of British Petroleum.
“It’s quite amazing, really,” said Dr. Phyllis J. Chelonia, Professor of Amphibian and Reptilian Psychology at Northumbria University. “Not only did these magnificent creatures swim over seven thousand kilometers, but they also managed to cross Piccadilly Circus without being run down.” 
Dr. Chelonia and other biologists at the scene could not explain why the 100-pound aquatic animals had made the trip or for that matter, why they were ominously perched in large clusters on trees branches and utility poles.  
“Do you see the way they’re balancing on those power lines?” she remarked to this reporter. “They must have some inborn gyroscopic mechanism. It’s fascinating.”
Ms. Melanie Daniels, sitting at the wheel of her silver Aston Martin sports car, said that she first saw the turtles when they came ashore near a pet shop in Brighton. “I had just purchased two pet turtles for this young man I know when the sea turtles waded ashore and started marching up the A23. It was like they knew where they were going.”
There were reports that the first Kemp’s Ridleys to arrive had thrown themselves against the glass doors of the BP office, but then retreated to their current positions on street lamps and ledges of nearby buildings. However, Dr. Chelonia scoffed at the idea that the reptiles were capable of some sort of organized attack on the corporation that had befouled their natural habitat and threatened them with extinction.
“Turtles are vegetarians and non aggressive species,” she said. “In addition, they do not possess the intelligence to mount a coordinated campaign of this sort. The idea that they would menace humans is simply absurd. Besides what would they do if they did attack? Peck us to death?”



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What’s In A Name?

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BP Plans New “Pipeline”
As Fix For Spill
Execs Promise, “This Will Work.”
Richieville News Service – NEW ORLEANS
With the failure of the massive, four-story, 80-ton containment dome to stop the oil leak off the coast of Louisiana, executives of British Petroleum said they had an alternate plan to end the massive ecological disaster. The new effort involves the creation of a new oil, “pipeline” and  though it involves no actual construction, company spokespeople were confident it would effectively resolve the problem.
“It’s simple,” BP spokesman Tod Podsnap told reporters here. “The problem is there is oil in the Gulf of Mexico. Now, unfortunately, we can’t seem to do anything about the oil. But we can do something about the Gulf of Mexico. All we have to do is rename it. We propose that from now on, the Gulf of Mexico be known as the “BP Gulf of Mexico Oil Pipeline.”
Mr. Podsnap insisted there were several immediate advantages to what he admitted was a somewhat unorthodox solution. “Look,” he said, standing in front of a map of the new, “pipeline.”  “Everyone knows it’s really bad to have oil in the Gulf of Mexico, but it’s like, totally natural to have oil in the ‘BP Gulf of Mexico Oil Pipeline.'” He also pointed out that the new pipeline would deliver oil directly to the mainland at no extra cost to consumers, although he did say the company would seek tax breaks to pay for new signage along the Gulf Coast. The only difficulty the company can foresee is that speakers will have to make ironic air quotes whenever they say “pipeline.”
Mr. Podsnap said the company was investigating whether an act of Congress would be needed or if Congress even had the authority to rename an international body of water, but he said BP was sure the measure would receive wide bipartisan support. “It won’t be a problem,” he said, “Did you see how much we gave those guys last year?”

The new “pipeline.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.