Category Archives: Hillary Clinton

A Historic Night

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Hillary Clinton Loses Fight For Nomination

Hillary Clinton Congratulates Herself On 2nd-Place Finish

Hillary Clinton had praise for the campaign of Hillary Clinton.
Richieville News Service – NEW YORK, NY
To mark a historic night for the Democratic Party and for the nation, Hillary Clinton took to the stage here and congratulated herself for running the first significant losing campaign by a woman for the candidacy of either major political party. Senator Clinton, addressing a room packed with supporters of the Clinton campaign, spoke with great emotion about all that Hillary Clinton has stood for during Hillary Clinton’s long career. 
As the Clinton loyalists chanted, “On to Denver!” and “Hillary! Hillary!”Senator Clinton listed the many accomplishments of the campaign to elect Hillary Clinton, pointing out that it has taken the message of Hillary Clinton to every state, despite the attempts to silence the voices of the supporters of Hillary Clinton.
“So many people said this race was over five months ago,” Clinton said, reminding the Clinton faithful of their determination to press on for the causes that Hillary Clinton spends her life fighting for. Senator Clinton then thanked all those who had voted for Hillary Clinton, as well as those who had prayed for Hillary Clinton and given Hillary Clinton the strength to carry on the sixteen-month campaign for the election of Hillary Clinton. She made it clear that even though she came in second, as far as Hillary Clinton was concerned, Hillary Clinton was still the best candidate. 
Standing nearby and giving Senator Clinton support were her husband, the former President Bill Hillary Clinton Clinton and Senator Clinton’s daughter Chelsea Hillary Clinton Clinton. 
Vowing to spend the next few days thinking about the next steps for Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton called on those who had voted for Hillary Clinton or given money to Hillary Clinton or ever thought about Hillary Clinton or wished they had never heard the name Hillary Clinton or just can’t stop repeating the words Hillary Clinton to send in their suggestions to Hillary Clinton at Hillary Clinton’s website, hillaryclinton.com.
“Hillary Clinton,” said Hillary Clinton. “Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton.”
Then Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton to Hillary Clinton with Hillary Clinton and Hillary Clinton alongside Hillary Clinton. Also Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton.
Hillary Clinton.
Hillary.
Clinton. 

Hillary Clinton.

She’s No Pansy

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Senator Clinton Chews Off Own Leg
Vows To Keep Hopping Until Convention
 
Senator Clinton immediately after the leg-chewing incident.

Richieville News Service – Shepherdstown
As a crowd of  supporters in this West Virginia town looked on in horror this morning, Senator Hillary Clinton, her pantsuit caught in the door of her SUV as she arrived for a rally, quickly turned around and bit off her own foot. She then proceeded to hop unaided to the podium in front of the local VFW hall, where she grasped the lectern and defiantly addressed the stunned  gathering.
“That’s the type of candidate I am, and that’s the kind of president I’ll be,” she said, while Secret Service agents frantically tried to staunch the bleeding from her self-inflicted wound, “I won’t let anything stand in my way, not even my own extremities!”
  The throng of several hundred mainly white, mainly working class, mainly gun-toting, mainly beer-swilling women over 65  responded to this unprecedented show of grit with wild, almost ecstatic cheers. The candidate, clearly enjoying the outpouring of enthusiasm, added, “I told you I was a fighter. Well, I have news for you – I’m a biter , too!”
Although the moment was almost certainly unscripted and seemed to catch her staff off guard, by the next campaign stop they were already prepared with visual aids, distributing mannequin feet to the crowd for Ms. Clinton to autograph, much as she had signed boxing gloves at previous rallies. Her supporters had apparently heard of the incident and were clearly relishing it.
“That’s what I love about Hillary,” said Elmira Worthington, 72. “She knows how to take a punch – or a severed limb. She’s suffered through so much abuse. That’s why she’ll make a great president.”
In Washington, long-time Clinton advisor James Carville amended an earlier comment he had made about Mrs. Clinton’s toughness. “When I implied she had three balls, I was clearly wrong,” he said in his characteristic Cajun drawl. “She must have like a dozen. Now that’s  what I call a stump speech.”
The senator renewed her fighting stance at every campaign stop in this state, the site of the next of six decisive Democratic primaries. At one point, while knocking back eight pints in a row at a local union hall, she seemed momentarily overcome with emotion. “It’s so hard to be so tough,” she said, with a slight tremor in her voice. She put down the shot glass in her hand in order to wipe away a tear. “All the boys gang up on me. That’s why I have to obliterate them.”
The largely white, largely conservative, largely blue-collar, largely latte-hating demographic which forms her base seemed to relish Clinton’s increasingly aggressive, red-meat rhetoric. In nearby Clarksburg, Mary Janowicz waited patiently for the senator to arrive. She had brought along her two daughters,  age 11 and nine, to catch a glimpse of someone who might possibly be the first woman president of the United States. 
“I just wanted them to see this,” she said, “because Hillary is such a great feminist role model. She’s what I want them to grow up to be – a man with balls.”