Category Archives: hurricane

Thou Shalt Not

Leave a reply
Archaeologists Uncover Lost Commandments

New Edicts Against Burning Koran, 
Blaming Gays For Weather

 Better listen up.

Richieville News Service – JERICHO
In a stunning development that goes to the very foundation of Judeo-Christian belief, a team of archaeologists say they have found ancient scrolls that contain numerous additional commandments issued by God to the people of Israel on Mount Sinai.  The new edicts, which scholars say must be added to the ten already contained in the Bible, are amazingly detailed and include injunctions against burning Korans, blaming gay people for hurricanes and invoking God’s name when winning an Academy Award.
“We’re still translating them from the Aramaic,” said  Dr. Robert Langdon, professor of Expired Languages and Pre-Biblical Media at Northumbria University. “But some of them are pretty clear. Like this one: ‘Thou shalt not threaten to burn Korans in Gainesville, Florida and say that you’re carrying out the will of God when in fact you’re just being a publicity hungry moron.’ Amazing, isn’t it? We still can’t figure out how the ancient Hebrews knew that Gainesville is in Florida.”
Speaking to reporters here, Dr. Langdon listed a few of the other new commandments. “Thou shalt not blame gay people for hurricanes, earthquakes, floods or other natural disasters. I’m not aiming at anyone in particular. Thou shalt not be the governor of South Carolina and have an affair with a woman in Argentina. Thou shalt not be a senator from Louisiana and visit prostitutes. Thou shalt not be a right-wing television commentator and then  say I told you to have a rally at  the Lincoln Memorial  on the anniversary of Dr. King’s, ‘I Have A Dream’ speech.'”
“The list goes on and on,” Professor Langdon said.  “There are hundreds, maybe thousands of them. Apparently God felt that ten general commandments weren’t enough – he needed to be lot more specific. I mean why else would he give us this one? ‘Thou shalt not be an evangelical pastor and a leading opponent of gay marriage and then hire a rent boy to go on vacation with you in Spain.’ I mean, that’s pretty unambiguous, don’t you think?”
The new commandments were found  in the same caves where the famous Dead Sea scrolls were discovered,  and scholars say there is no question as to their authenticity. But their discovery does pose problems, especially for conservative politicians who have been fighting to have the ten commandments displayed in court houses and public buildings around the country.
“Luckily, there’s a commandment about that, too,” Dr. Langdon pointed out.  “‘Thou shalt not try to force your narrow and infantile view of religion on people by undermining the separation of church and state.’ Now, that’s one heck of a commandment!”
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Hot Air

Leave a reply

McCain, In New Orleans

Proposes Hurricane Defense Shield
John McCain vowed to fight hurricanes.

Richieville News Service – KENNER, LA
Seeking to distance himself even further from George Bush, Senator John McCain delivered a major address here today and vowed that the mistakes made in response to the destruction of hurricane Katrina would not be repeated under his administration. The candidate went on to propose a multi-billion dollar hurricane defense system consisting of long-range missile installations around the Gulf Coast and Caribbean. The system would, as the senator put it,”fight hurricanes and other low pressure systems and never give up, not ever.”
It was not immediately clear how missiles armed with multiple warheads would be an effective defense against hurricanes or if the countries of the area, several of whom have strained relations with the U.S, would agree to the placement of the weapons on their territory.
Martin P. Thackery, a climatologist with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, was asked if such a system would be useful in stopping or at least mitigating the effects of massive tropical storms. He replied. “No.” Other climate experts seemed to be in agreement with his assessment of the senator’s plan. 
In spite of this, Senator McCain vowed to press on with his plan, saying, “The only way to oppose force is with force. My opponent will tell you we can’t win the fight against hurricanes like Katrina, that it’s time to surrender. But I can look you straight in the eye and tell you this will work. And I plan to keep at it, even if it takes a hundred years.”