Category Archives: jobs

Get A Job

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Economists Say Unemployment
Caused By Unemployed
Also Find Jobless Responsible For Joblessness

 Waiting for the invisible hand of the market.

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.

Researchers at a conservative think tank released a study today which they say proves conclusively that the main cause of unemployment is the existence of the unemployed. 
“Just think about it,” said Professor Milton Bradley, of the University of Chicago’s Department of Metaphysical Market Relations. “How can you have unemployment without the unemployed? The two go hand-in-hand. If the unemployed would just stop being unemployed, then unemployment would vanish.”
Professor Bradley is one of the authors of the study, titled, “The Free Market And Unemployment – It’s Your Own Damn Fault,” which was published by the Washington-based Avarice Institute. 
The paper seemed to substantiate the position of several leading Republicans including Nevada GOP Senate candidate Sharron Angle and Pennsylvania’s Lt. Governor Tom Corbett who said recently that, “the jobs are there, but if we keep extending unemployment, people are just going to sit there.”
The researchers also found that sick people are responsible for the high cost of high health care and that children are putting a drain on the nation’s educational system. “In each of these cases government should stop trying to intervene and let the invisible hand of the market take care of the problem,” Professor Bradley said. “There’s no incentive to work when you can sit back, spend your retirement savings, move into your car and live on dog food.”
Mr. Bradley brushed off any suggestion that there might be a connection between current high unemployment and the fact that businesses have fired millions of workers and have been slow to hire them back. “That’s just a coincidence,” he insisted. “And even if it doesn’t make sense, that’s what I’m being paid to say. You don’t want me to lose my job, do you?” 
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Made In China

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China Offers To Sell Jobs To The U.S.
Will Loan Us The Money To Buy Them 

 Can Americans make their own iPads?

Richieville News Service – BEIJING

Faced with a growing labor shortage that has left employers struggling to fill positions, the Chinese Ministry of Finance today announced plans to sell some of the country’s extra jobs to the United States.  
“We feel kind of dumb,” said Zhu XiaoMin, an analyst for the Bank of China. “It turns out we took too many jobs from the U.S.  But it’s hard to keep track when your economy is growing at over 10 percent a year. Anyway, we thought maybe you guys would like some of them back, with your economy in the toilet and all. That way you Americans can make your own stuff again, like you used to. We’ll start you off on something simple, like plastic toys, and you can work up to harder things like  photo voltaic solar panels and bullet trains.” 
Mr. Zhu admitted that the new Chinese jobs would only pay about a dollar an hour and so  would probably be taken by illegal immigrants from Latin America. “That’s why you sent the jobs to us in the first place,” he commented. “You decided you’d rather have cheap tube socks than a high standard of living. Not that I’m criticizing or anything.” He said Chinese economists were still searching for a way around this problem. 

“It seems to us that you guys would be better off if you had some sort of national industrial policy and your economy was based on, you know, creating wealth, rather than just thinking up new ways to push money around,” Mr. Zhu explained. “But, hey, what do we know?  At least your hedge fund managers are doing really well.”

Chinese analysts said that the jobs would be sold under very reasonable terms and that the U.S. government could finance the purchase of the jobs by issuing new bonds which would, in turn, be bought by the Chinese government, an arrangement Mr. Zhu described as a “win-win.”
Many of the details of the plan remain to be worked out, but the Chinese seemed confident that it would be a success. “And if for some reason it doesn’t work out,” Mr. Zhu concluded, “no worries – you can just send the jobs back to us. We know what to do with them.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.