Quaker Oats Introduces
New Synthetic Life Cereal
Classic, Multi-Grain And Honey Graham Versions
Richieville News Service – PURCHASE, NY
Following the news that scientists had for the first time created a synthetic form of life, Quaker Oats, a subsidiary of Pepsico, announced today that it was introducing a breakfast cereal using the new life form as its main ingredient. The cereal, a spinoff of the popular Quaker brand Life, will be marketed as a healthful, natural alternative for consumers.
“What’s more natural than life?” said Ms. Velma Lammle, Quaker’s Director of Marketing and Brand Awareness. “And with this delicious new breakfast choice, consumers will be able to enjoy the newest form of life on the planet.”
Speaking to reporters via video conference, Ms. Lammle denied that Quaker was being premature in introducing synthetic organic material into the food chain. “Hey, what’s the big deal?” she said, while holding up a prototype of the new packaging. “You’re already eating genetically-modified corn and soybeans. Have you noticed a statistical increase in harmful genetic mutations? Cause we sure haven’t.”
Ms. Lammle said that Synthetic Life will arrive on supermarket shelves this summer. Material from the new life form will be processed and then made into crunchy bite-sized double helix and the letters A, T, C, and G for adenine, thymine, cytosine, and guanine, the molecules that form the code of DNA. Synthetic Life will also contain modified starch, maltodextrin, lactic acid, caramel color, xanthan gum, lecithin, mono-, di and tri- glycerides, monosodium glutamate, ascorbic acid and high fructose corn syrup.
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.