Richieville News Service – NEW YORK CITY

Executives at four of the largest U.S. banks announced today that they had just completed a perfect first quarter in which they made money every single day and in addition, that they are in fact a race of gods who have taken human form to toy with the fate of mere mortals.

“Weep and be fearful,” said Edward “Thunderbolt” Wegg, of Citigroup, Inc. “For we are descended from Mount Olympus to meddle in the affairs of mankind.”

Floating above reporters in a cloud chariot drawn by four naiads, or water nymphs, Mr. Wegg, or as he insisted he be addressed, CEO and Lord of The Lightning, pointed to the seemingly unstoppable profitability of the banks as proof of the executives’ status as immortal descendants of the Titans Cronus and Rhea. 

“No matter what happens we make money!” he bellowed in a voice that shook the walls of the canyons of Wall Street just as the waves of the wine-dark sea shake the rocks of the shore. “Even while everyone else is going broke. And when we run out of money, we make you mortals give us more. Can you deny that we are gods?”

At Bank of America, Thomas “Madness of War,” Fledgeby appeared  in the nude, carrying a bronze shield and sword, with a black eagle perched on his shoulder. “Your fates, and your economies, are in our hands,” he declared scornfully. “If we choose, we can bring down mighty nations with our fearsome derivatives, forged by Hephaestus in the fires of the underworld. Bow down and pay us tribute!”

Although a similar press conference had been scheduled at Goldman Sachs, when reporters arrived they found Goldman spokesman Mike “Dionysus” Lammle drunkenly carousing with three satyrs and a centaur. “If we choose we can turn ourselves into swans and carry away your daughters to bear our children,” he said, hurling grapes at the assembled journalists. “So count yourselves lucky if all we do is bankrupt you and saddle you with debt for generations to come.”

All of the CEO / immortals scoffed at the idea that banking reforms currently being considered in Congress could in any way curtail their activities.

“Reforms?” Citigroup’s Mr. Wegg, also known as He Who Makes The Mountains Tremble With His Sighs, laughed and it was terrible and newsmen and women threw themselves on the ground and gnashed their teeth and rent their garments. “Any who dare oppose us with new banking regulations will be chained to a rock at the bottom of the world and have vultures tear at his liver. Don’t you see? We are too big too fail!”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel Rate Me Red.