Unemployed Apply For Russian Spy Jobs
Hope To Pose As Middle Class Americans
Richieville News Service – ARLINGTON
The SVR, the Russian spy bureau that replaced the KGB, was deluged with job applications today from unemployed Americans following news that the FBI had arrested eleven people they alleged were part of a long-term Russian spy ring. The Americans apparently were jealous of the middle-class lifestyles the Russian “sleepers” had enjoyed in places like Arlington, Virginia, Cambridge, Massachusetts and Montclair, New Jersey.
“If they want people to pretend to be middle-class Americans, why don’t they just hire me?” said Mark Hedges, an unemployed metal worker who said he had been sleeping in his car for the last three months. “I could do that with my eyes closed.”
Lindsay Burns, who was laid off from her office management job a year ago, said she tried to apply for the Russian spy position as soon as she heard about the FBI roundup. “I figured there would be some openings, with the arrests and all. I just hope the Russians don’t go in for this austerity approach adopted by the G20 nations and cut back on hiring. I could really use a job.”
Like other applicants, Ms. Burns said she would have no problem meeting the requirements of the Russian spy job, which seem to include having a professional career, living in a nice house, shopping at the mall and taking their kids to soccer games. “Plus, I think they have health insurance,” she added. She also said she was not concerned about betraying her country since, “It didn’t seem like those spies were really collecting valuable information. I mean, we don’t keep military secrets at Old Navy, do we?”
Ms. Burns said she was convinced she could do a good job of burrowing into American culture while satisfying her Russian spy bosses with reports on who won the most recent season of “The Bachelor,” and “The Biggest Loser.” “And I won’t make as many demands on them as those other spies,” she added. “Like the ones in New Jersey who wanted the SVR to buy them a house. I just want the SVR to know that I don’t need a house to fit into American society. A nice little condo will do nicely.”
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.