Category Archives: oil

What’s In a Name?

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Oil, Coal To Get New Names
Fossil Fuel Industry Launches Major Rebranding Campaign

Oil wells are a thing of the past.

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C. 

In a major re-branding campaign aimed at countering negative public perceptions of their products, the fossil fuel industry today announced that oil and coal would be sold under new names, ones designed to highlight their “likeability” and “friendliness.”
“Oil and coal are things of the past,” said Terry Podsnap, a spokesman for Earth.Green, a fossil fuel trade organization. “Today, let me introduce you to Ollie and Carol, your energy friends.”

In addition to being the new names for oil and coal, Ollie and Carol are also the names of characters created by the same design team that came up with Wenlock and Mandville, the mascots for the 2012 London Olympics. According to press material, Ollie and Carol live in a magic organic garden at the base of an ancient redwood tree near an unspoiled wetlands in a house powered by the wings of friendly butterflies.
The public will be introduced to Ollie and Carol over the next few weeks through  print, television and Internet advertising,  YouTube videos and  Twitter posts. They will have their own Facebook page and the Disney Channel is developing an animated Ollie and Carol television program. 

Earth.Green said it hoped the re-branding effort would go a long way to repairing the damage caused by the Gulf oil spill and the recent West Virgina mine disaster. “Mountain top removal for coal mining sounds bad,” said Ms. Podsnap, “but who could be against getting Carol out from under a ton of rock? Everyone is against oil spills, but Ollie on the water sounds like fun, doesn’t it?”

The Earth.Green spokesman said if the early response to the Ollie and Carol marketing campaign was positive the trade group would move ahead with its next re-branding effort. “Say good-bye to Global Warming,” she told reporters. “And say hello to Willy Weather!”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

It’s An Honor To Be Nominated

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Transcript Of Remarks By Exxon CEO Upon 
Winning No-Bid Oil Contracts In Iraq

On Thursday, four Western oil companies (Exxon Mobil, Shell, Total and BP) announced that they are about to conclude a deal with the government of Iraq to return to that country after 36 years. The no-bid contracts represent the first step toward winning the rights to develop vast new oil fields in the country. Below are the remarks of Exxon CEO Len D’Eramo upon hearing of the contracts.

Wow! This is so exciting! I am completely surprised. This is a complete shock. I never thought we’d win. I can’t believe this is happening. When they called our name, I had, like, an out-of-body experience. (holding up contract) This thing is really heavy. Wow! 
First let me say, it is an honor just to be considered for these contracts alongside 40 other oil companies from Russia, India and so many other countries. I mean, it’s so hard to compare one oil company to another. 
Some are from countries that have troops in Iraq and some aren’t. Some were kicked out when the oil fields were nationalized 36 years ago and some weren’t. Some have advisors working in the Iraq Oil Ministry and some have been shut out by the US. occupation. But who’s to say that one is better than another? We all know that it’s the work that matters, not the trillions of dollars in windfall profits.
I have so many people to thank. There’s the 82nd Airborne and the 101st Airborne and the 25th Infantry Division and the 15th Marine Expeditionary Unit. And all the guys at Halliburton and KBR, and Don Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney who really believed in us from the start, and everyone in the news media who have been so very, very kind. And Shell and BP and Total – part of this is for you! 
I know I’m leaving someone out. I should have written a list! Oh, no! They’re playing the music! But I’m not finished! Oh! I want most of all to thank the American public who buys our products and supports us in so many ways. This is really for you. And … I know there’s someone else! Oh, thank you all so much! This is the best day of my life! I’m so surprised! Really!