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Richieville News Roundup

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Campaign Strapped For Cash, McCain Starts Psychic Hotline


       
John McCain can see into the future. 

Unable to compete with the Obama fundraising juggernaut, and facing a serious money disadvantage in the general election, Senator John McCain announced today that he was starting a psychic hotline service. McCain campaign manager Rick Davis announced the new fundraising scheme in a statement to the press.
“Last week, Senator McCain told the world of his predictions for the year 2013,” Mr. Davis told reporters at McCain headquarters in Arlington, Va. “Now members of the general public can take advantage of these same psychic powers to help guide them in their personal lives.”
Mr. Davis was referring to the senator’s recent ad in which he predicted multiple events that would occur in the year 2013, including the stabilization of the Middle East, the reduction of the threat of nuclear terror and the advancement of energy independence. In a speech last week he also prophesied  that the war in Iraq would be over at that time.  
“Thanks to his extraordinary ability to travel through dimensions in the astral plane, Senator McCain can see into the future,” Mr. Davis asserted. “Now, with the McCain Psychic Hotline, John McCain will use his soothsaying powers to see into your future. For only $1.50 a minute, the future president will help you make crucial decisions that can affect your lifelong happiness. Should you get married? Should you take that new job? Should you take out a subprime mortgage? Which Middle East country should you invade? John McCain has the answers to all these and more. To hear the future all you have to do is call 866 675-2008.”

U.S., Still Liked By Some People, Builds Bigger Prison

  Facing defeat in its losing public relations battle, the Bush Administration seemingly threw in the towel today, opting instead to try for a record low in worldwide opinion polls. 
“Let’s face it,” said White House Spokesperson Dana Perino. “There’s just no way we can improve our image while we continue with our current policies. And frankly, it’s pretty demoralizing to keep trying. So we’ve decided to go the other way and see if we can hit a perfect score of one hundred percent disapproval rating throughout the world.”
Chief among the projects in the new initiative is the construction of a giant prison complex at the Bagram military base outside Kabul, Afghanistan. The prison at Bagram already houses more prisoners than the one at Guantanamo Bay.
“Guantanamo has helped put us within reach of our goal,” noted Perino, “but we still have a ways to go. There are still places in the world where people don’t absolutely despise us. For example, twelve percent of all Pakistanis still think the U.S. is better than a bucket of goat droppings. But this new prison should put an end to that.”

Arctic Drilling Continues – Polar Bears To Get a Cut


An endangered but wealthy species.

Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne sought to answer critics of expanded drilling in Arctic wilderness areas by announcing a new oil revenue profit-sharing plan. The plan, to go into effect May 21, mandates that 1.5 percent of all proceeds from Alaska North Shore oil sales be deposited into an account under the name, “polar bears.”
“This plan gives the bears a financial stake in the further exploitation of their habitat,” Mr. Kempthorne said in a statement released today. “We get to plunder the environment for oil and they get a steady flow of cash. It’s a win-win situation.”
Although just last week polar bears were put under the protection of the Endangered Species Act, Secretary Kempthorne said that the act does not prevent further development of the bears’ habitat. In fact, his department recently opened up 30 million acres of Arctic wilderness for exploratory drilling.
“There are some who say the only way to save polar bears is by stopping global climate change, including the burning of fossil fuels like oil,” the secretary’s statement concluded. “These elitists want to force their environmental do-goodism on the bears and dictate how their habitat should be used. Our plan lets the bears decide. For example, they could use the profits to move to a colder climate or buy air conditioners. The money is theirs to do with as they want. All they have to do to collect is go to the nearest bank and show some form of government-issued ID.”

Busts Lead to Boom

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India to Send Prisoners to U.S.

Washington to Offer Detention Outsourcing 
Federal penitentiaries like this one will now be called, “detention outsourcing centers.”
Richieville News Service – NEW DELHI
Indian Finance Minister Shri P. Chidambaram today announced the completion of a trade deal that allows convicts from all of India’s 35 states and territories to serve out their sentences in American prisons. The deal came just days after it was reported that although the United States has less than 5 percent of the world’s population, it has nearly a quarter of the world’s prisoners. 
“When we learned that the U.S. is number one in keeping people locked up, we just naturally thought of going there for our prison services,” said Mr. Chidambaram. “If you want good prisons, it makes sense to go to the folks who are really good at putting people behind bars, just like people come to us because we’re good at software development, semiconductor design, computerized record keeping and database management, tech support and sales service centers, generic drug manufacturing and melodramatic movies with lots of catchy song and dance numbers.”
In Washington, Trade Representative Susan C. Schwab hailed the deal as a win for the struggling American economy. “This proves the U.S. can compete in the world marketplace and that globalization is a two-way street,” she said. “We offer a full range of prison services from minimum security to capital punishment. Very few countries can say that.”  She added that she expects the U.S. lead in the field to be maintained for quite some time. “China has, like, ten times as many people as we do yet they only manage to lock up 1.6 million of their citizens. We have 2.3 million Americans behind bars. I don’t think they’re going to catch up any time soon.” 
Many Wall Street analysts  gave credit for the deal to the worldwide publicity American prison methods have received thanks to news stories about Guantanamo Bay and Abu Gharib. Meanwhile, state governments began jockeying for a piece of the India prison business, but many details still needed to be worked out, especially how to keep track of the Indian prisoners once they are in the vast U.S. prison system. Ms. Schwab conceded that there were obstacles that needed to be overcome. “Those long Indian names are pesky,” she said. “and are hard for our prison staffs to understand, but we have a plan for that – we’re going to outsource Bureau of Prison record keeping to India.”