Category Archives: rich

Enough, Already

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Rich Agree To Give Up Bush Tax Cuts,

Say They Finally Have Enough Crap

 Eleven is enough.

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON
In a development that most economists believed  was impossible, thousands of wealthy Americans are making it known that they are willing to give up the Bush era tax cuts currently under debate in Washington. Although the news flies in the face of accepted views of human nature,  many of the nation’s affluent seem to have finally reached some sort of natural saturation point for material accumulation and are saying that they just don’t need any more stuff. 
“It was after I bought my twelfth house,” said Mark Veneering, who acquired billions after inheriting his family’s mountaintop removal mining business. “I kept forgetting where the front door was. At first I just hired someone to follow me around and show me the way out when I got lost, but then I thought, maybe I don’t really need twelve houses – so I sold one. So if you really think you need a few thousand bucks to do stuff like give kids health care, I guess I can spare it now.”
Mr. Veneering is not alone. Harry J. Lammle, who amassed a huge fortune by exporting expired infant formula to developing nations, had a similar epiphany. “One day I just woke up and it just hit me – I didn’t need a $75,000 watch. I realized it made a lot more sense to own two $35,000 watches. Now I finally feel I can afford to help pay for teachers and firemen and all that other stuff.”
Economists have been taken aback by this sudden turn of events. “We think this is a phenomenon known as the Mazuma Fatigue Horizon,” said  Professor Molly Brown of Northumbria University. “It occurs when one percent of the population owns more than 45 percent of all wealth in a society, a figure we are approaching in the U.S. Basically it’s a form of accumulation overload – after a while your brain just can’t process ways to spend any more money.”
Professor Brown cautioned that the new-found generosity of the affluent was likely to be temporary and that soon they would return to their steadfast refusal to give up a single plasma television, sport car or $800 pair of shoes. 
“I think you have a window of about two weeks,” she said.  “So if you need to fix any bridges or build a school or two, now is the time. Because after this, you can forget about it!”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Second-Class Cash

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Treasury To Redesign Bills

Poor To Get Their Own Currency
The poor have special money needs. 

Richieville News Service – Washington, D.C.
The Treasury Department today announced plans for a complete redesign of U.S. currency, creating a separate class of money to be used exclusively by the nation’s poor. Treasury officials said the new poor people’s currency would include features meant to, “enhance the money-owning experience.” The decision followed last week’s federal court ruling ordering a redesign of the currency to add features to help the visually impaired. 
“We realized that the poverty-stricken also have special monetary needs,” explained Felix G. Moynihan, of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. “For example, a lot of them have less money than rich people. So we thought maybe we could figure out ways they could get more enjoyment out of the few dollars they do have. Like, we could print them in really bright colors, or run a comic strip on the back.”
Other entertainment features envisioned for the new bills include holographic, three-dimensional photos of movie stars or sports legends and embedded sound chips like those found in some greeting cards. The chips would be programmed to tell a joke or play a snippet of pop music every time the bill was withdrawn from a wallet or purse. 
“Imagine you want to buy a gallon of milk that costs four dollars and you only have three,” the Treasury spokesman said. “Having singing money will really take the sting out of that.” He added that the Treasury was also in talks with Apple Computer about the feasibility of downloading music or television shows directly into dollar bills. One drawback to the scheme is the fact that the cost of the download might be more than the value of the bill itself.
Mr. Moynihan said that the higher costs of printing bills with these features could be offset by selling advertising on the currency or through sponsorship deals. For example, the five dollar bill could become the Microsoft five dollar bill. However, he stressed that Abraham Lincoln’s picture would remain on the bill regardless of the sponsor. 
He also revealed that the department was considering another set of currency designed for the nation’s wealthy. Unlike the somewhat gaudy bills envisioned for the poor, the rich people’s currency would be small, unobtrusive and printed in tastefully muted shades of gray. There would be no denomination markings, following the principle that if you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it. The bills would also be printed with special codes making them immune to taxes.
 “Right now we spend so much of our time trying to re-jigger the tax code to keep the wealthy from paying their share,” Mr. Moynihan explained. “Giving them tax-free money will save us a lot of headaches, let me tell you.”
Some critics of the design plans said there was a danger that the poor would become too attached to their new bills and not want to spend them, but Mr. Moynihan disagreed. “We think the poor will still have incentives to spend, like for instance, hunger and the need for shelter.”
As for the idea, advanced by some, that the currency needs of the poor could best be met by giving them more of it, the Treasury spokesman had this to say, “The problem of poor people having less money is very complex, we don’t want to just throw money at it.”