Red Menace

NASA Finds Osama Bin Laden On Mars
Asks For $1 Trillion To Go Get Him

NASA says this is bin Laden’s hiding place. 

Richieville News Service – PASADENA, CA
NASA scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory made the startling announcement today that the Phoenix Mars lander, sent to find evidence of life on the red planet, had instead found the terrorist leader Osama bin Laden. The agency immediately submitted a request to Congress for a one trillion dollar budget increase so the al-Qaida mastermind could be brought to justice.
“Yeah, we found him, we really did,” said Phoenix team leader Dr. Edward Li. “I know it’s hard to believe, but he’s there. And NASA won’t rest until we can send a team of astronauts to Mars to get him.”
Physicists and astronomers not associated with the space agency voiced skepticism that the Islamic extremist could be on Mars, which even at its closest, is still 35 million miles away from his suspected hiding place in western Pakistan. Dr. Li said NASA scientists could not explain how Mr. bin Laden got to Mars or how he manages to survive in the planet’s harsh conditions, but he said they were confident he was there.
“Sure, we’re sure,” he stated at a press conference here. “It’s hard to make out in these photos, but we think he’s just behind those rocks on the right. Oh, he’s there all right. And we’re going to get him. All we need is like, a trillion bucks. Heck, we could do it for nine hundred billion. Don’t you guys remember 9/11?”
One trillion dollars would be 57 times greater than the agency’s current annual budget of 17. 6 billion. A jump of that size would be welcomed by fans and supporters of space exploration who have felt that NASA has been severely underfunded in recent years. But Dr. Li insisted the emergency appropriation was a matter of national security.
“Back in 2004, President Bush promised we would send astronauts to the Moon and to Mars,” he reminded reporters. “Then he forgot all about it. I guess the exploration of the cosmos and the search for life on other planets and the origin of everything in existence just isn’t that important to some people. But it’s important now, isn’t it? Oh, yeah, we’re going to Mars, baby!”
Meanwhile, Connie McGill, Superintendent of the Detroit public school system, announced that the hunted terrorist ringleader was hiding in one of the city’s elementary schools.
“We know he’s in one of them,” Ms. McGill said in a statement to the press. “We just don’t know which one. But we’re going to find him and we don’t need one trillion dollars, either. If I could get about three hundred million to hire some more teachers and fix a few roofs, I’m sure we can kill or capture that cold-blooded murdering bastard.”
In Matawan, New Jersey, Robert Hernandez, an official with the New Jersey Division of Parks and Forestry, called a hasty press conference to tell reporters that Mr. bin Laden had been discovered in nearby Cheesequake State Park.
“He’ s out on the 1.5 mile nature loop,” the excited park ranger told reporters gathered in the parking lot by the restrooms. “All I need is six thousand bucks and some donated lumber and I can fix the trail enough so we can haul that rat out of whatever hole he’s hiding in and exterminate him. Oh, yeah, 9/11.”
Dr. Li of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory quickly responded to these competing reports, stating that the space agency was absolutely sure they had located the one and only Osama bin Laden.
“Did I say nine hundred billion?” he said in a follow-up phone interview. “We don’t really need that much. How about like, three hundred fifty? Two hundred? It’s not for space exploration, it’s for the war on terror! A hundred twenty-five? Even if we don’t find him, we’ll bring back some nice rocks, I promise. Please?”

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