GOP Solves Gas Crisis
New Cars To Run On Fear
GOP leaders promise no more worries about gas prices.
Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.
Republican Congressional leaders today proudly revealed a new automotive technology they promised would solve the country’s growing oil and gas crisis. The new cars run on what the GOP leaders say is a constantly renewable energy source – human fear.
“We realized we had an incredible untapped energy source,” said House minority leader John Boehner at a news conference here. “We have found fear to be very reliable, cheap and easy to generate. Oh, and it does not contribute to global warming.”
The new fear-powered cars, dubbed, “angst-mobiles,”will be able to draw on the energy generated when drivers and passengers experience strong feelings of distrust, apprehension and anxiety. The greater the number of terrified occupants, the faster the cars will go, finally giving motorists an inducement to car pool. Rep. Boehner said that fear-producing stimuli are readily available in the news media and that his party stood ready to make up any deficit that occurred.
“Terrorism, immigrants, gay marriage, fist bumps – the list of fear energy sources is endless,” he explained, standing by a mock-up of one of the new vehicles. “And if people relax too much to make the cars move, we’ll just raise the terror alert level. That always works.”
“Now Americans can now stop worrying about gas prices,” Mr. Boehner concluded. “And start worrying about everything else.”