She’s No Pansy

Senator Clinton Chews Off Own Leg
Vows To Keep Hopping Until Convention
Senator Clinton immediately after the leg-chewing incident.

Richieville News Service – Shepherdstown
As a crowd of  supporters in this West Virginia town looked on in horror this morning, Senator Hillary Clinton, her pantsuit caught in the door of her SUV as she arrived for a rally, quickly turned around and bit off her own foot. She then proceeded to hop unaided to the podium in front of the local VFW hall, where she grasped the lectern and defiantly addressed the stunned  gathering.
“That’s the type of candidate I am, and that’s the kind of president I’ll be,” she said, while Secret Service agents frantically tried to staunch the bleeding from her self-inflicted wound, “I won’t let anything stand in my way, not even my own extremities!”
  The throng of several hundred mainly white, mainly working class, mainly gun-toting, mainly beer-swilling women over 65  responded to this unprecedented show of grit with wild, almost ecstatic cheers. The candidate, clearly enjoying the outpouring of enthusiasm, added, “I told you I was a fighter. Well, I have news for you – I’m a biter , too!”
Although the moment was almost certainly unscripted and seemed to catch her staff off guard, by the next campaign stop they were already prepared with visual aids, distributing mannequin feet to the crowd for Ms. Clinton to autograph, much as she had signed boxing gloves at previous rallies. Her supporters had apparently heard of the incident and were clearly relishing it.
“That’s what I love about Hillary,” said Elmira Worthington, 72. “She knows how to take a punch – or a severed limb. She’s suffered through so much abuse. That’s why she’ll make a great president.”
In Washington, long-time Clinton advisor James Carville amended an earlier comment he had made about Mrs. Clinton’s toughness. “When I implied she had three balls, I was clearly wrong,” he said in his characteristic Cajun drawl. “She must have like a dozen. Now that’s  what I call a stump speech.”
The senator renewed her fighting stance at every campaign stop in this state, the site of the next of six decisive Democratic primaries. At one point, while knocking back eight pints in a row at a local union hall, she seemed momentarily overcome with emotion. “It’s so hard to be so tough,” she said, with a slight tremor in her voice. She put down the shot glass in her hand in order to wipe away a tear. “All the boys gang up on me. That’s why I have to obliterate them.”
The largely white, largely conservative, largely blue-collar, largely latte-hating demographic which forms her base seemed to relish Clinton’s increasingly aggressive, red-meat rhetoric. In nearby Clarksburg, Mary Janowicz waited patiently for the senator to arrive. She had brought along her two daughters,  age 11 and nine, to catch a glimpse of someone who might possibly be the first woman president of the United States. 
“I just wanted them to see this,” she said, “because Hillary is such a great feminist role model. She’s what I want them to grow up to be – a man with balls.”

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