Pentagon to Rebuild Iraq In U.S.
Theme Park Planned for Washington, Not Baghdad
Drawing of planned amusement park and resort where, “you’ll be greeted like a liberator.”
Richieville News Service– WASHINGTON, D.C.
The Pentagon confirmed today that it had indeed commissioned plans for a $5 billion Iraqi- themed resort but said the site of the proposed development was Washington, D.C., not Baghdad.
“We said we were going to rebuild Iraq, and that’s what we’re going to do,” said Maj. General George Stanley, commander of the Army Corp of Engineers’ theme park division. “We’re just not going to rebuild it in Iraq.”
Iraqiland, the name of the new luxury resort and amusement park, will rise on the site of East Potomac Park, a spit of land in the Potomac River, not far from the Jefferson Memorial. It will include family-oriented, Iraqi-themed rides such as “Topple the Statue,” “Pirates of Blackwater,” and “You Stand Up, I’ll Sit Down.”
The plans for the development were first reported in the British newspaper The Guardian which said, apparently erroneously, that a golf course, shopping malls, a luxury hotel and skateboard ramps were to be built inside Baghdad’s Green Zone.
“Of course we’re not building it there,” scoffed General Stanley. “Have you seen Baghdad lately? It looks like a war zone.”
The general said the Army had rejected earlier plans to divide the park into areas called Shialand, Sunniworld, Kurdistan and Sadr City, after finding that those names were already taken. They settled instead on Democracyland, Freedomworld and Oilville.
“Iraqiland will give Americans the chance to experience Iraq the way it should be experienced,” the general stated. “In Iraqiland you’ll be able to visit the tourist shop bazaar without armed guards and find weapons of mass destruction whenever you look for them.” He added that another benefit of the Washington site was that electricity would be available for the rides more than three hours a day. He said he expected the theme park to be especially popular with high-ranking members of the current administration.
“I understand the President and Vice President have both bought season passes,” he said. He added that he hoped that visiting the park would ease the process of transition for them when they left office next year.
Construction on the park is to begin immediately, as soon as no-bid contracts can be awarded to Halliburton and KBR. Although the $5 billion price tag might seem high, the general said the public should rest assured it would not be a drain on taxpayers. “Oh, it will pay for itself, we’re sure of it.”
Will they do Bar Mitzvahs?
One of your best!
Sure – kosher catering will be available