Give Till It Hurts

Republicans Plan Fundraiser For BP
Telethon To Aid Beleaguered Oil Company
Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.
Leaders of the Republican Party, responding to what they said was a $20 billion, “shakedown,”  of the British Petroleum oil company  by the Obama administration, announced plans for a national telethon to raise money for the multinational conglomerate. 

Republican members of Congress, including Michelle Bachmann of Minnesota and Joe Barton of Texas, as well as GOP Chairman Michael Steele, have been sharply critical of the plan for a multi-billion dollar escrow account. The fund is to be used to compensate residents of the Gulf Coast for their loses due to the massive oil spill from BP’s Deepwater Horizon rig. Representative Bachmann called the plan a, “redistribution of wealth fund,” while Rep. Barton apologized to BP CEO Tony Hayward and called the establishment of the fund a “tragedy.” 

“It’s just typical of the Democrats to demonize big business,” said telethon organizer Connie Lammle. “By making BP and its shareholders pay the victims of the oil spill, aren’t we making BP and its shareholders victims, also? Isn’t it enough they have to cancel their dividend this quarter?  Why should shrimpers, fishermen and small business owners get all the help? We  think BP deserves some compensation, too.”

The BP Victims Telethon will be carried on the Fox News Network and be hosted by  Hollywood star and conservative author Chuck Norris and feature a song written especially for the occasion by songwriter and conservative pundit Kinky Friedman. The song, titled, “We Are The Oil,” will be sung by a roster of talented right-wing recording artists, said Ms. Lammle, “as soon as we can find any,” and then will be available for download on iTunes.
“We hope America opens its hearts and its wallets,” Ms. Lammle added. “You can call in your pledge, send in a check made out to BP or just take your SUV to the  nearest gas station  and fill it up with premium. It’s all for a good cause.”

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