Author Archives: Richie

All The Rage

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Tea Partiers Buy Guns
To Defend Chicago Gun Law
Oppose Supreme Court “Nazis”

  
Symbols of the armed, pro-gun law movement.

Richieville News Service – CHICAGO
In a surprising turn of events, an Illinois Tea Party group protested the recent Supreme Court decision  overturning a Chicago gun control law. The group  said the decision was a dictatorial infringement of states rights and they planned to defend the gun ban with  armed force if necessary.

“Real Americans must stand up against the spreading tentacles of federal power,” said Pat Veneering, who described himself as a leader of the group, the Oak Park Tea Patriots. “The Supreme Court has no right to say that local governments have no right to say that we can’t buy guns which is why we are buying guns to protest this Fascist infringement of our right to prevent ourselves from buying guns.”

Standing in front of  an Applebee’s restaurant, Mr. Veneering used a bullhorn to speak to  a small group of supporters while wearing a giant tea bag on his head. “First Washington rams health care down our throats and now this! Well, you can tell those Commie Nazis on the Supreme Court that they can have my right to nullification when they pry it out of my cold, dead hands.”

The rally came to an abrupt halt with the arrival of a second tea party group, the Oak Park Liberty Tea Party Patriots, who, unaware of the Supreme Court decision, had planned to enter the  Applebee’s carrying loaded handguns in protest of the now-overturned law, which banned handguns. 

“The Second Amendment gives us the right to carry loaded guns anywhere we want,” yelled one member of the newly-arrived group. To which Mr. Veneering responded, “The Tenth Amendment gives us the right to ignore the federal government.” The two armed groups briefly engaged in a  tense shouting match which was finally resolved with the compromise of  alternating slogans every five minutes. 

“It’s simple,” Mr. Veneering explained, “unlike some socialist humanist liberal Nazis, we believe in the Constitution. Now you’ll have to excuse me – I’m late for a rally to repeal the 14th Amendment.”
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Richieville Mutation News

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Genetically Modified Food To Require
Genetically Modified Consumers
Human Mutations Delivered Via Tasty Snack Foods

A genetically-modified salmon seeking FDA approval.


Richieville News Service – NEW YORK CITY

The food processing company Natural Bites today announced plans for a new snack bar that would give consumers the ability to safely digest genetically modified foods. The bars,  to be marketed under the brand name, DyNA Mo’s, will work by genetically modifying consumers, inserting in their DNA a protein-making gene taken from a South American guppy native to the Amazon basin.
The announcement came on the heels of news that a type of genetically-modified salmon was close to gaining FDA approval. The fish would be the first genetically-modified animal to be sold for human consumption. Natural Bites, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Evergreen Chemical (formerly Noxxon Petroleum), said their new snack bars, available in eco-friendly biodegradable wrappers, would help allay consumer fears about eating such foods.
“Those genetically altered salmon are completely safe,” said Clyde G. Podsnap, leader of the DyNA Mo’s development team. “After all, what’s one little gene out of a few million? You’d never notice it if you weren’t looking in the right place. But our snack bars will make eating genetically-modified food even safer, while delivering a whole day’s supply of Vitamin C and iron.”

Mr. Podsnap said the gene insertion technology used in the new snack food was completely safe. “We’ve been testing it for like, five or six years,” he said. “It’s true that  DNA evolved over hundreds of millions of years, and we really don’t understand how it works, but most of our customers probably don’t believe in evolution anyway, so that shouldn’t be a problem.”
The DyNA Mo’s spokesman added that both his company and the firm that is breeding the genetically-modified salmon had hired former inspectors from the former federal Minerals Management Service to oversee their operations. “We can guarantee that there will be no accidental release of genetically modified salmon into the wild, who will then interbreed with wild salmon and destroy the species,” he said. “Just as we can guarantee that adding a guppy gene to human DNA will not make you grow gills or swim around aimlessly in your bathtub. “
Mr. Podsnap concluded by pointing out that new DyNA Mo’s snack bars will come in Rain Forest Green, Deep Ocean Blue and Organic Orange flavors, and added, “They will fix your DNA – deliciously.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.