Author Archives: Richie

Who, Us?

Leave a reply
BP Is Satan, Say Exxon Mobil, 
Chevron, ConocoPhillips and Shell

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, DC
Executives from four major oil companies testifying before a Congressional committee unanimously agreed that rival British Petroleum was not only responsible for the massive Gulf Coast oil spill but is in fact the spawn of the devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the embodiment of true evil in the world, the Prince of Darkness and really, really bad. The Chairmen of Exxon Mobil, Chevron, ConocoPhillips and Shell made it clear, however, that their companies, the four biggest oil producers in the world, had absolutely nothing in common with British Petroleum, also known by the names the Great Serpent, Adramelech, Leviathan, Bael, Vinz Clortho and Zuul.

“We would not have drilled the well the way they did,” said Rex Tillerson, chief executive of Exxon Mobil. “That’s because we are good and BP is the Great Antichrist.”

The four executives went to great lengths to assure the lawmakers and the public that they would never, ever, do anything irresponsible in the quest for a bigger return on their investment, like say, pollute the Niger River delta in Nigeria, home to 30 million people, or Prince William Sound in Alaska, or the Atlantic, the Pacific and even the Fergana Valley in Uzbekistan. 
“We are pure of heart, our souls are immaculate and angels sing our praises,” said John Watson, Chairman of Chevron. “Trust us, we’re nothing like BP.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Now Hear This!

Leave a reply
South Africa Plan To Annoy 
World Succeeds, Says World

Richieville News Service – JOHANNESBURG
Five days into the World Cup, South Africa appears to be close to achieving its goal of post-apartheid normalcy in its relations with the international community. Thanks to the constant use during matches of the vuvuzela, a cheap and incredibly irritating noisemaker, this nation has successfully destroyed any lingering goodwill remaining from decades of brutal white rule and is ready to take its place on the world stage as just another stupid country.
“Frankly , we were sick of everyone feeling kind of sorry for us,” said Daniel Naidoo, Minister of Audio Aggravation. “We want to be judged on our own merits, like everyone else. So we decided to make an incessant, pointless, annoying drone during all the World Cup matches.”

Mr. Naidoo stated that contrary to reports in the media, the vuvuzela is a recent invention. “Yeah, that stuff about this being a part of South African soccer tradition, we just made that up last month,” he said. “I mean, you never heard of a vuvuzela before, did you? Neither did we. We figured making it an unassailable part of our culture would make it much more aggravating. That, plus the hearing damage at 120 decibels.” 

South African authorities were said to be in the process of assessing their normalcy efforts to see if any further damage to their standing in world opinion was needed. “There was some worry that we might have to invade someone or at least bomb an innocent country,” Mr. Naidoo explained. “But the vuvuzela seems to have done the trick. I mean, we don’t want to go too far and wind up like the United States. Nobody here wants that.”


For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.