Author Archives: Richie

Don’t Look Now

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BP Exec Says Studying
Oil Leak Makes It Larger

Richieville News Service – NEW ORLEANS

In response to a new government finding that the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico is several times greater than originally estimated, executives from British Petroleum released their own study which they say proves the leak has grown larger with each new attempt to measure it. 
“I know it sounds weird,” said Herbert A. Podsnap, BP Vice President of Epistemological Research, “but each time you try to measure it, it only gets bigger. That’s why we should stop trying.”
Mr. Podsnap said that the phenomenon was possibly related to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle or perhaps the well-established paradox of not knowing if the refrigerator light goes out when you close the door. Apparently BP scientists were aware of this problem early on in the crisis, which is why they tried to restrict access to underwater video of the wellhead and other data.
“The leak was only 1,000 barrels a day when it started,” he said. “You can look it up – it’s right there in our press release. But each time someone studied it, it got bigger. First it went to 5,000 barrels, then 19,000. Now it’s up to 40,000 barrels a day, maybe more. I tell you, we all need to stop looking at this before it’s too late!”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Feel The Pain

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Congress, State Legislatures 
To Be Outsourced

Chinese Law Makers To Work For Less

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.
In a bold cost-cutting move,  federal and state administrators announced plans to begin outsourcing large components of government, beginning with both chambers of Congress and the state legislatures of California, New Jersey, Ohio, Florida, Arizona, Texas and Delaware. The law-making bodies will be relocated to Guangdong Province, China where the duties of the U.S. legislators will be taken over by lower-paid Chinese workers.
“We know this will be painful, but these tough times call for belt-tightening all around,” said Edna Murgatroyd, of the Congressional Budget Office. “This way we don’t have to lay off government workers who actually do something. Not only do those Chinese legislators work for fifty cents and hour but since they don’t have election campaigns, lobbyists won’t have to give them nearly as much money to win their votes. It’s a win-win all around.”
According to Ms. Murgatroyd, the federal government was looking into outsourcing other government functions. “Next on our list is health care,” she said. “Other countries deliver better care for less money, so why not hire another country to run our health care system and save the U.S. taxpayer a bundle?  Right now it’s between Belgium and Denmark.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.