Author Archives: Richie

There’s An App For That

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New iPhone App Will Help Chinese 
Workers Realize Apple Is Cool

Richieville News Service – CUPPERTINO
Programmers at Apple Computer today proudly unveiled a new program for the Apple iPhone and iPad, one they said was designed to address the needs of workers in Chinese factories that make those products. The application, or “Appleapp,” is a combination ebook, online multi-player game, and animated music video that takes advantage of the devices’ unique touch screen and motion-sensing capabilities. 
“We wanted to bring the true excitement of Apple to the assembly line workers who produce our ground-breaking iPhones and iPads,” said John Podsnap, a company spokesman. “After all, these guys live on the factory grounds where they work six or seven days a week so they probably don’t have time to visit an Apple retail store. This app will help them appreciate just how cool Apple is.” ”  

Apple’s manufacturing system has come under some scrutiny lately with reports that over a dozen workers at factories in Shenzen, China have committed suicide since the start of the year. The workers died at plants run by Foxconn, a Taiwan-based manufacturer who also produces equipment for Dell, HP and other U.S. companies. Responding to the reports, Steve Jobs, Apple’s legendary CEO, insisted that Foxconn factories were not, “sweatshops,” and that the company’s plants were, “pretty nice,” with, “restaurants, movie theaters, hospitals and swimming pools.”

“Yes, Foxconn factories are kind of like Club Med,” elaborated Mr. Podsnap. “Except instead of snorkeling, wind surfing and sunbathing, you work on an assembly line 12 hours a day for about a dollar an hour.”
Mr. Podsnap pointed out that since the news of the suicides had spread, Foxconn had doubled wages, to about $300 a month, although he admitted it might have been a better idea to raise wages before workers started throwing themselves from the tops of Foxconn’s buildings. The Apple spokesperson said the company had high hopes that the new app would help the Chinese employees feel better about their role in the manufacture of  Apple’s “revolutionary” products. 
“The new app will be available free of charge on the iPhone App Store,” Mr. Podsnap told reporters. “It’s very cool and I think they’ll really enjoy it. Now all they have to do is make enough to be able to afford an iPhone.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

 

Richieville Explains The Recession: Part I

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Relax: Banks Are More Important Than You

In these times of economic uncertainty, many of us feel the stress of mounting bills, ballooning mortgage payments, losing our jobs, losing our health insurance, losing our unemployment insurance, losing our savings, losing our homes, and all the other worries, big and small, that have become part of our post-recession lifestyles. Yet by putting your problems in their proper perspective, you will find it possible to face that imminent foreclosure with an uncaring and light-hearted acceptance. Because here is the simple and liberating truth: your financial problems are not important. In fact, they’re insignificant. They’re so insignificant you can just forget about them. 
What is important? Banks are important. Believe it or not,  banks are much more important than you are.  Or, to put it another way:

  • Banks – important. 
  • Your problems – not so important. 

Once you absorb this crucial bit of information, you can relax about your impending bankruptcy and enjoy life once more. It’s just that simple.

Why are banks so very important? Because banks are the veins and arteries through which the blood of commerce flows, keeping afloat the ship of prosperity and letting the 16-wheelers of free enterprise roll swiftly down the superhighway of capitalism. Without the crucial role of banks, our economic steam engine would sink under the waves of the congealed crude oil of fiscal contraction then shrivel and blow away in the tsunami of depression.
Without a functioning banking system, our economy would collapse and the gears of consumer society would grind to a halt. Think of the pain that would cause! That’s why the federal government laid out $1 trillion to rescue the banks when they were about to go bankrupt because of the bad deals they made. The government had to do it because – banks are important!
But, Richieville, you ask, right now over 40 states are cutting their budgets. They’re cutting funds for public education, they’re laying off thousands of workers, they’re eliminating or reducing public health programs, along with programs for the elderly, the sick and the poor. That sounds sort of like pain, doesn’t it? Shouldn’t the federal government do something about that?
Wrong! That’s not pain – that’s necessary pain. Laying off workers and denying sick people medical care is just the unfortunate price we all have to pay until the great nuclear reactor of the free market reaches critical mass and raises all boats on the erupting lava flow of improved productivity and consumer confidence.
The point is, when the banks bought worthless securities and amassed huge amounts of debt to the point of insolvency, Congress had to cover their losses even though it meant increasing the deficit, because – banks are important! But when states face huge deficits because they borrowed a lot of money and now the recession has driven down their tax revenues, Congress can’t do anything about it because it would mean increasing the deficit. It’s true that little kids are being cut from state-run health insurance programs and college students are being forced to drop out of school and seniors are losing their community centers and state employees are being forced to take pay cuts, but there’s nothing that can be done about it because – they’re not banks!
But Richieville, you continue, somewhat obstinately, all these layoffs and cuts in state budgets will surely slow down the economic recovery or even drive us into a second recession. Isn’t that sort of important? The answer is, not really. What’s really important is that if we do dip into a second recession, the mucous membrane of the banking system will be intact, ready to allow the osmosis of capital that will drive profits around the particle accelerator of investment, restoring life to the drought-stricken plains of corporate growth.
So, as you can see, while you may be forced to live in your car, eat dog food and sell one of your kidneys to survive, you really don’t have much to worry about. And once you get over the mistaken belief that these problems are important, you’ll feel much better. After all, things could be really bad – you could be a multi-billion dollar global investment and securities firm like Goldman Sachs or Citigroup. Then you’d have real problems. But don’t worry, you’re not a bank, you’re just insignificant you. Aren’t you glad?

For more Richieville humor, read the comic si-fi novel, Rate Me Red.