Author Archives: Richie

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Quaker Oats Introduces 
New Synthetic Life Cereal

Classic, Multi-Grain And Honey Graham Versions

Richieville News Service – PURCHASE, NY
Following the news that scientists had for the first time created a synthetic form of life, Quaker Oats, a subsidiary of Pepsico, announced today that it was introducing a breakfast cereal using the new life form as its main ingredient. The cereal, a spinoff of the popular Quaker brand Life, will be marketed as a healthful, natural alternative for consumers.
“What’s more natural than life?” said Ms. Velma Lammle, Quaker’s Director of Marketing and Brand Awareness. “And with this delicious new breakfast choice, consumers will be able to enjoy the newest form of life on the planet.”
Speaking to reporters via video conference, Ms. Lammle denied that Quaker was being premature in introducing synthetic organic material into the food chain. “Hey, what’s the big deal?” she said, while holding up a prototype of the new packaging. “You’re already eating genetically-modified corn and soybeans. Have you noticed a statistical increase in harmful genetic mutations? Cause we sure haven’t.”
Ms. Lammle said that Synthetic Life will arrive on supermarket shelves this summer. Material from the new life form will be processed and then made into crunchy bite-sized double helix and the letters A, T, C, and G for adenine, thymine, cytosine, and guanine, the molecules that form the code of DNA. Synthetic Life will also contain modified starch, maltodextrin, lactic acid, caramel color, xanthan gum, lecithin, mono-, di and tri- glycerides, monosodium glutamate, ascorbic acid and high fructose corn syrup.


For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

The Turtles! The Turtles!

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Sea Turtles Change Migration Route Surround BP Headquarters 
Biologists At Loss To Explain Strange Behavior
Richieville News Service – LONDON
Biologists today remain mystified over strange new migration patterns on the part of rare  Kemp’s Ridley sea turtles, apparently a result of the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The turtles, natives of the Gulf, are usually guided by instinct to swim over hundreds of miles of open sea to return to the same beaches on which they were hatched. Now, however, they have journeyed across the Atlantic to St. James Square, London, where thousands of them have surrounded the headquarters of British Petroleum.
“It’s quite amazing, really,” said Dr. Phyllis J. Chelonia, Professor of Amphibian and Reptilian Psychology at Northumbria University. “Not only did these magnificent creatures swim over seven thousand kilometers, but they also managed to cross Piccadilly Circus without being run down.” 
Dr. Chelonia and other biologists at the scene could not explain why the 100-pound aquatic animals had made the trip or for that matter, why they were ominously perched in large clusters on trees branches and utility poles.  
“Do you see the way they’re balancing on those power lines?” she remarked to this reporter. “They must have some inborn gyroscopic mechanism. It’s fascinating.”
Ms. Melanie Daniels, sitting at the wheel of her silver Aston Martin sports car, said that she first saw the turtles when they came ashore near a pet shop in Brighton. “I had just purchased two pet turtles for this young man I know when the sea turtles waded ashore and started marching up the A23. It was like they knew where they were going.”
There were reports that the first Kemp’s Ridleys to arrive had thrown themselves against the glass doors of the BP office, but then retreated to their current positions on street lamps and ledges of nearby buildings. However, Dr. Chelonia scoffed at the idea that the reptiles were capable of some sort of organized attack on the corporation that had befouled their natural habitat and threatened them with extinction.
“Turtles are vegetarians and non aggressive species,” she said. “In addition, they do not possess the intelligence to mount a coordinated campaign of this sort. The idea that they would menace humans is simply absurd. Besides what would they do if they did attack? Peck us to death?”



For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.