Author Archives: Richie

Another Financial Genius

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Student Who Lied His Way 
Into Harvard Recruited 
By Goldman Sachs
Richieville News Service – NEW YORK CITY
Adam Wheeler, the 23-year-old student who has been accused of lying his way into Harvard University with fake transcripts, fraudulently receiving tens of thousands of dollars in financial aid, and making false statements on his applications for Rhodes and Fulbright scholarships today became the object of an intense bidding war on the part of Goldman Sachs and other investment banking firms eager to hire him.
“He’s our kind of guy,” said Goldman’s head of human resources, Mark D. Podsnap. “After faking his attendance at Andover to get into Harvard, he plagiarized the work of a Harvard professor to apply for the Fulbright. Now, that’s what we call innovation!”
Citigroup, Bank of America and several other investment banks also expressed interest in hiring the young man. The fact that he faced jail time for the charges did not appear to be a deterrent.
“Hey, as far as we’re concerned if you don’t have an indictment or two, you’re not doing your job,” said Mr. Podsnap. “Besides, have you seen this guy’s phony transcript? Just think what he could do with a mortgage-backed derivative.”
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel Rate Me Red.

A Bit of A Bore

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One Week After UK Vote
World Still Doesn’t Care
Parties Promise To Be Even More Like U.S.
Richieville News Service – LONDON
A mood of gloom and despair continued to fall over the United Kingdom as the realization set in that despite their best efforts to incite controversy and create an American-style electoral circus, their national elections continued to be of  little interest to anyone else.
“I mean, really, what do we have to do?” asked Clive Thistlecourt Hamptonwood-Jones, a spokesman for the Conservative Party. “We had three debates. On television, you know.  I say, one can’t really expect us to be more crass than that, can one? “
Mr. Hamptonwood-Jones pointed to other American-style touches that created quite a stir in Britain yet  failed to capture the imagination of the overseas public. “We hired American campaign advisers. Why, we even went so far as to use email. Email, I tell you!”
Mr. Leslie Piccadilly Brideshead-Devonshire, of the Liberal Democrats, was equally downcast. “When the Yanks elected Obama, the world went gaga. People were talking about it for months! Well, we just elected our first coalition government since 1972! I think that’s  damned exciting, yet everyone has already forgotten about it. I don’t like to complain but I feel we’re not getting the attention we deserve. Oh, did I mention we have an unwritten constitution?”

At the Labour Party, leaders were in frantic consultation as they charted a course for the party’s future. “We realize where we went wrong,” said party spokesman Addison Tate Post-Axe. “And we have the plans to set it right. Next time we’re going to nominate someone  who doesn’t look exactly like the other candidates. Perhaps someone with an African-sounding name like your Mr. Obama. Or perhaps someone who is completely unqualified, shallow and only good at repeating vacuous phrases and untruths. That will get everyone’s attention, don’t you think?”