Author Archives: Richie

Release The Kraken!

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After Perfect Quarter, Bankers 
Reveal They Are, In Fact, Gods

Deities Take Human Form To Play 
With Lives of Mortals

Richieville News Service – NEW YORK CITY
Executives at four of the largest U.S. banks announced today that they had just completed a perfect first quarter in which they made money every single day and in addition, that they are in fact a race of gods who have taken human form to toy with the fate of mere mortals.
“Weep and be fearful,” said Edward “Thunderbolt” Wegg, of Citigroup, Inc. “For we are descended from Mount Olympus to meddle in the affairs of mankind.”
Floating above reporters in a cloud chariot drawn by four naiads, or water nymphs, Mr. Wegg, or as he insisted he be addressed, CEO and Lord of The Lightning, pointed to the seemingly unstoppable profitability of the banks as proof of the executives’ status as immortal descendants of the Titans Cronus and Rhea. 
“No matter what happens we make money!” he bellowed in a voice that shook the walls of the canyons of Wall Street just as the waves of the wine-dark sea shake the rocks of the shore. “Even while everyone else is going broke. And when we run out of money, we make you mortals give us more. Can you deny that we are gods?”
At Bank of America, Thomas “Madness of War,” Fledgeby appeared  in the nude, carrying a bronze shield and sword, with a black eagle perched on his shoulder. “Your fates, and your economies, are in our hands,” he declared scornfully. “If we choose, we can bring down mighty nations with our fearsome derivatives, forged by Hephaestus in the fires of the underworld. Bow down and pay us tribute!”
Although a similar press conference had been scheduled at Goldman Sachs, when reporters arrived they found Goldman spokesman Mike “Dionysus” Lammle drunkenly carousing with three satyrs and a centaur. “If we choose we can turn ourselves into swans and carry away your daughters to bear our children,” he said, hurling grapes at the assembled journalists. “So count yourselves lucky if all we do is bankrupt you and saddle you with debt for generations to come.”
All of the CEO / immortals scoffed at the idea that banking reforms currently being considered in Congress could in any way curtail their activities.
“Reforms?” Citigroup’s Mr. Wegg, also known as He Who Makes The Mountains Tremble With His Sighs, laughed and it was terrible and newsmen and women threw themselves on the ground and gnashed their teeth and rent their garments. “Any who dare oppose us with new banking regulations will be chained to a rock at the bottom of the world and have vultures tear at his liver. Don’t you see? We are too big too fail!”
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel Rate Me Red.

It’s All Greek Edition

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E.U. Governments Rescue Greece
Find One Trillion Dollars In Other Pants
Richieville News Service – BONN
After weeks of half-measures and false starts, the countries of the European Union agreed to establish a bailout fund for the troubled Greek economy, after finding approximately $1 trillion in extra cash in the pocket of a pair of jeans.
“Yeah, we thought we couldn’t afford to do anything,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel, “but then I was putting these jeans in the wash and I happened to look in the pocket.”
The “found money” was actually about 780 billion euros that someone had folded into a wad, stuffed in their pocket and forgotten about.  
“Guys at the International Monetary Fund are always doing that,” said Merkel. “Even though I keep telling them not to.”
Greece has been teetering on the verge of economic collapse but other E.U countries, especially Germany, had been reluctant to reward what they saw as irresponsible behavior on the part of the Greek government. That stance changed rapidly over the weekend when it became clear that Greece’s problems threatened the European financial system.
“Hey, there’s always some cash lying around,” said Ms. Merkel. “When we realized the banks might be in trouble, we just started looking harder. We found about 180 billion euros under a sofa cushion, and another 50 billion at the bottom of a sock drawer. It’s amazing how much money you can find when you really want to.”
News Analysis
Greek Workers Need Fiscal Discipline,
Say U.S. Hedge Fund Managers
In return for the E.U. bailout, Greek workers will have to accept harsh new austerity measures and scale back on long-established benefits such as early retirement. So say the majority of U.S. economic experts, such as hedge fund manager David Tepper who earned $4 billion dollars in 2009, thanks to successfuly predicting the federal government’s bailout of U.S. banks. 
Like James H. Simons, who earned $2.5 billion in 2009, and John A. Paulson who made $2 billion by betting against the housing market, the top U.S. hedge fund managers had nothing but contempt for what they saw as pampered and spoiled Greek workers. 
To these financial wizards, who collectively made over $11 billion last year during the worst recession in decades, the lesson of the debt crisis is clear: If the Greek people want their economy saved, then they must be willing to give up their civil service jobs, accept pay cuts and reduced government services.
And it’s not just hedge fund managers who are calling for fiscal discipline. Investment bankers are also issuing stern warnings to the workers of Greece and other European nations. An executive at Goldman Sachs was adamant about the need for strict austerity measures.
“These Greeks have been living on easy street, with their paid vacations and health insurance, but now they have to tighten their belts,” said the executive. The banker, who engineered the Goldman deals that made the firm millions while helping the Greek government hide its debt through currency swaps and other financial instruments, asked to remain anonymous. “The free ride is over,” he added. “I mean, who do these people think they are- us?”