Tea Parties Disperse As Health
Industry Restores Medications
Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.
Membership in Tea Party organizations around the country plummeted today as the health industry abandoned a clandestine yearlong effort to withhold medications from large sections of the population. The top secret collusion between big pharmaceutical companies and the health insurance lobby came to light as top executives admitted that since early 2009, they had prevented certain demographic groups from obtaining anti-depressants and anti-psychotic drugs, replacing them with placebos. The plan, aimed at preventing the passage of a health insurance reform bill, was now being abandoned and several executives expressed remorse at the unforeseen consequences of their actions.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” said Sylvester Veneering, CEO of Wellness Healthness, Inc. “We figured people would get a little wacky and shout down the health reform bill. But we didn’t know they’d get this crazy! I mean, all this stuff about Obama’s birth certificate? The militias? The law in Georgia allowing folks to carry guns into airports? These folks need to take a pill – and from now on, we’re going to make sure they do.”
Mr. Veneering promised that correct medications would begin replacing placebos immediately and anecdotal evidence seemed to suggest that the drugs were already beginning to take effect. Many of the most hardcore Tea Party supporters awoke to find that they no longer agreed with the extreme political positions they had held only hours earlier.
Mary Sykes, of Cincinnati, called the local police to report that someone had left piles of placards in her house, many with doctored photos showing President Obama riding a camel while wearing a Nazi uniform. The responding officers had some difficulty convincing Ms. Sykes that the placards were in fact hers. She finally accepted their explanation after she saw herself on YouTube screaming about a government takeover of Medicare.
“It was very embarrassing,” she later told reporters. “I looked like I was off my meds.”
Mr. Veneering said the health industry was now braced for an onslaught of lawsuits from former Tea Party activists, but he appeared to accept that as an inevitable cost of trying to alter the political landscape with mental illness. “Hey! You win some, you lose some,” he said. He promised that all prescriptions would be properly filled from now on. “And those folks in Arizona?” he added. “We’re going to up their dosage.”