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Bailout Bonanza

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FED BAILS OUT BERNIE MAC

Comedian Gets Check For $1.5 Trillion

One bail out too many?

Richieville News Service-WASHINGTON, D.C.

In its zeal to rescue the floundering mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the Federal Reserve Bank has also bailed out actor and comedian Bernie Mac, sending him a check for $1.5 trillion. An agency spokesman said the error was a clerical mistake.

“Look, we’re working really long hours,” said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, speaking to reporters here. “Everyone’s a little frazzled, so mistakes like this are going to happen.”

Mr. Bernanke went on to explain that the Fed policy is to bail out banks and financial institutions that have been mismanaged, engaged in dubious business practices or swindled and defrauded large sections of the population. “Obviously, Mr. Mac doesn’t fall into that category,” he admitted. “Although we really enjoyed his work in Ocean’s Thirteen.”

Public reaction to the Bernie Mac bailout has been mixed. Although most Wall Street analysts felt it would not help the sinking stock market, some taxpayers welcomed the move.

“I’m sick of having to pay billions because some rich banker thought he could do whatever he wanted and the U.S. taxpayer would foot the bill,” said Marvin Tolpuddle, a sanitation worker in Columbus, Ohio. “At least Bernie Mac makes me laugh. Did you see The Original Kings of Comedy?”

Mr. Mac made headlines just last week for an off-color performance at a fundraiser for presidential candidate Barack Obama. The actor could not be reached for comment, but through a spokesman released this statement: “I’d like to thank the American public for this wonderful validation of my work. It means so much to me. And I want to remind everyone who contributed to my bailout to tune in to my new sitcom, called Starting Under, this fall on Fox. I don’t know if it’s worth $1.5 trillion but it’s funnier than the credit crisis, that’s for sure.”

Promise Progress

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G8 Leaders’ Annual Promise To Save 

The Planet Is Even Better Than Last Year’s

Leaders of the G8 nations after their historic promises.

Richieville News Service – RUSUTSU, JAPAN

In an atmosphere of festive self-congratulation, the leaders of the group of eight industrialized nations today announced their most far-reaching promises ever, far surpassing even the bold promises made at last year’s meeting. Experts in international policy said the pledges set a new standard in assurances,vows, proclamations and letters of intent that would be difficult if not impossible to match. 

“We are very proud of what we have accomplished here,” said Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda of Japan. “Last year we promised to seriously consider reducing greenhouse gases. This year we have promised to reduce greenhouse gases by 50%.  Of course, we didn’t say by 50% of what, but still that’s a mighty impressive promise, don’t you think?”

Mr. Fukuda was referring to the fact that the G8 leaders did not say if they had pledged to reduce carbon emissions from today’s levels or from  the 1990 levels specified in the Kyoto accords. “Levels, shmevels,” scoffed French President Nicolas Sarkozy. “The important thing is we pledged to reduce them. We can iron out the details when we make our big promises next year.”

Many observers pointed out that President Bush, who has strenuously resisted making any promises to do something about climate change, had finally agreed to pledge to take action. At this meeting he promised, along with the other leaders,  that the G8 countries would absolutely begin taking steps to reduce carbon emissions as long as China, India and other developing economies agreed to so, too.

“I’m the decider,” Mr. Bush said, while giving British Prime Minister Gordon Brown a wedgie, “and I’ve decided to do something about this here global warmness, but only if Hu Jintao decides first.” He was referring to President Hu Jintao of China. “I just hope he can get me tickets to the U.S. – China basketball game.”

President Angela Merkel of Germany was quick to point out that besides vowing to do something about climate change, the leaders had made promises about many other pressing world problems. “We promised to do something about world food shortages,” she said as she left the dining hall where the leaders had feasted on an 18-course banquet. “And we promised to do something about poverty in Africa, too. I know that promises alone won’t solve anything, but whatever we don’t solve at this meeting, we’ll talk about at our next meeting. I promise.”