Author Archives: Richie

Supreme Crew Disses Gat Laws

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Crips, Bloods Hail Supreme Court Gun Ruling
Latin Kings Still Studying Decision

The Crips are strict constitutional constructionists.

Richieville News Service – COMPTON, CALIFORNIA

Two notorious street gangs, the Crips and the Bloods, held a rare joint press conference here to praise yesterday’s Supreme Court ruling striking down the Washington D.C. ban on handgun ownership. 

“Yo, this is a shout out to cuz Scalia,” said Robert “BK” Hayes, spokesman for the Crips. “We think his strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution is in line with the intentions of the founding fathers. And if anyone gets up in our face about it, we’ll bust a cap in dat sucker!”
Standing next to him, Bloods leader Dion “Homeboy” Williams nodded in agreement. “Yeah, Madison and his crew were bringing it old school. The Second Amendment clearly states that the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” When asked by a reporter about the language in the amendment referring to well-regulated militia, Mr. Williams replied, “Motherfucker, in our reading of the text, there is no ambiguity. If the Bloods ain’t a militia, then who is?”
The Bloods leader did acknowledge that over 30,000 Americans die as a result of gun violence every year, but quoted Justice Scalia’s decision for the majority saying, “The enshrinement of constitutional rights necessarily takes certain policy decisions off the table.” Reaching inside his red Bloods jacket, he added, “And my nine millimeter Glock says so, too! Peace out!”

Energy Crisis Update

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Oil Countries Deadlocked
Should They Be Obscenely Wealthy Or Just Filthy Rich?
U.S. Secretary of Energy Samuel Bodman spoke in favor of “filthy rich.”

Richieville News Service – JIDDA, SAUDI ARABIA
Hopes for a breakthrough that would halt soaring energy prices were dashed today when oil exporters meeting here could not agree on exactly how stinking rich they should be. The emergency global energy summit ended without a hoped-for agreement to increase oil production. Instead, the representatives remained deadlocked, split between those who said that rolling in dough was sufficient for them at this time and others who maintained that they needed more money than they knew what to do with. 
“It’s a thorny problem,” said Saudi Oil Minister Ali al-Naimi, as he headed for his gold-plated Rolls Royce. “I mean, how much is enough? Is it having money to burn, or is it having cash up the wazoo? We have a lot of expenses, you know. Those madrassas don’t build themselves.” 
Although the Saudis did pledge a modest rise in their oil output, other nations said they either could not or would not increase production. Rafael Ramirez, president of the Venezuelan state-owned oil company, insisted that the company, which is expected to have revenues of over $75 billion in 2008, is just, “comfortably well-off.” Meanwhile, the Kuwaiti Oil Minister, Mohammed al-Olaim, would only admit  that the Kuwait Oil Company, “made a nice living.”
“How much money is too much?” Mr. al-Olaim asked reporters as he boarded his solid-platinum helicopter. “When we find out, we’ll let you know.”