Author Archives: Richie

Aspirin Between The Knees Still Covered

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Catholic Groups Stop Paying Women
Cite Religious Freedom

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C. 
The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops announced a new policy today under which Catholic organizations, including schools, universities and hospitals, would no longer pay their female employees. 
“We realized we were being inconsistent,” said Bishop Charles Francis Xavier. “We said we wouldn’t pay for a woman’s health insurance because she might use it to get birth control. But meanwhile we’re paying her wages and she might use her pay to get birth control. I mean, what’s the difference? So we decided we better not give women any money because you never know what they’re going to do with it.”

The Bishops had considered another option, requiring all female employees to pledge that they would never use birth control under peril of their immortal souls. But Bishop Xavier said that idea was quickly discarded. “We already tried it with Catholics,” he explained, “and you see how badly that turned out.”

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The Creator and Job Creators

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Lord Almighty Exempts Unearned Income

Richieville News Service – SALT LAKE CITY
Mitt Romney, who in past years donated millions to the Mormon Church, will be largely exempt from tithing in the future thanks to a new ruling by The Lord Almighty, Creator of the Universe, Omnipresent and Omnipotent Ruler of the Cosmos. The Divine Spirit issued a statement on Monday, saying that He/She/It had been swayed by arguments made by the Republican presidential candidates and that henceforth, income from investments such as capital gains, interest and dividends would be exempt in the eyes of God. 

Speaking from the planet Kolob, which Mormon scripture teaches is God’s home planet, the Supreme Being made the announcement through a burning bush visible in the sky from most of the Northern Hemisphere. 

“I don’t want to do anything to hurt job creators,” the heavenly voice declared. “Also it seems we have to reward risk-taking on the part of multimillionaires who otherwise would put their money in old mattresses or bury it in their backyards. So from now on, I’m just going to expect donations from the poor suckers who work for a living.” 
The bush went on to say that Governor Romney would still have to tithe on the income he received from speech making, but the Almighty didn’t expect it to amount to much since it was only about $374,000 a year. 


Read Richie Chevat’s comic sci fi novel, Rate Me Red.