Author Archives: Richie

Thou Shalt Not

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Archaeologists Uncover Lost Commandments

New Edicts Against Burning Koran, 
Blaming Gays For Weather

 Better listen up.

Richieville News Service – JERICHO
In a stunning development that goes to the very foundation of Judeo-Christian belief, a team of archaeologists say they have found ancient scrolls that contain numerous additional commandments issued by God to the people of Israel on Mount Sinai.  The new edicts, which scholars say must be added to the ten already contained in the Bible, are amazingly detailed and include injunctions against burning Korans, blaming gay people for hurricanes and invoking God’s name when winning an Academy Award.
“We’re still translating them from the Aramaic,” said  Dr. Robert Langdon, professor of Expired Languages and Pre-Biblical Media at Northumbria University. “But some of them are pretty clear. Like this one: ‘Thou shalt not threaten to burn Korans in Gainesville, Florida and say that you’re carrying out the will of God when in fact you’re just being a publicity hungry moron.’ Amazing, isn’t it? We still can’t figure out how the ancient Hebrews knew that Gainesville is in Florida.”
Speaking to reporters here, Dr. Langdon listed a few of the other new commandments. “Thou shalt not blame gay people for hurricanes, earthquakes, floods or other natural disasters. I’m not aiming at anyone in particular. Thou shalt not be the governor of South Carolina and have an affair with a woman in Argentina. Thou shalt not be a senator from Louisiana and visit prostitutes. Thou shalt not be a right-wing television commentator and then  say I told you to have a rally at  the Lincoln Memorial  on the anniversary of Dr. King’s, ‘I Have A Dream’ speech.'”
“The list goes on and on,” Professor Langdon said.  “There are hundreds, maybe thousands of them. Apparently God felt that ten general commandments weren’t enough – he needed to be lot more specific. I mean why else would he give us this one? ‘Thou shalt not be an evangelical pastor and a leading opponent of gay marriage and then hire a rent boy to go on vacation with you in Spain.’ I mean, that’s pretty unambiguous, don’t you think?”
The new commandments were found  in the same caves where the famous Dead Sea scrolls were discovered,  and scholars say there is no question as to their authenticity. But their discovery does pose problems, especially for conservative politicians who have been fighting to have the ten commandments displayed in court houses and public buildings around the country.
“Luckily, there’s a commandment about that, too,” Dr. Langdon pointed out.  “‘Thou shalt not try to force your narrow and infantile view of religion on people by undermining the separation of church and state.’ Now, that’s one heck of a commandment!”
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Those Were The Days

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Republicans Hope To 
Ride Wave Of Nostalgia

Voters Yearn For Good Old Days Of 2008

 The good old days.

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON
Republican strategists across the country believe they are poised to make big gains in the coming midterm elections, based on poll numbers that show many voters gripped by an unexplained wave of nostalgia for the year 2008. According to pollsters, this collective national yearning hits across the political spectrum and takes the form of a longing for a bygone era when life seemed simpler.

“Life seemed simpler then,” remarked Horace T. Pettigrew, an online used car salesman and  self-described Tea Party member from   Grand Rapids, Michigan. “David Cook was the American Idol – remember him? And the entire world economy was about to collapse. Boy, do I miss that.”

Mary G. Pendergast, a hair extensions importer from Fort Worth, also remembers 2008 as a high point. “That was the year Matt chose Shayne on The Bachelor.  Also we were fighting two open-ended wars in Asia. Why couldn’t things go on like that forever? Back then the whole world hated us – the way they’re supposed to. Plus, in 2008, I’m pretty sure we didn’t have any Muslims living in the U.S. We sure didn’t have one in the White House.”
Surprisingly, the desire to return to the days before Lady Gaga, 3-d movies and a national health insurance  law includes supporters of President Obama as well as opponents. Marvin B. Pottishaw, a video blogger from Sacramento, was an enthusiastic supporter of candidate Obama in 2008. “Before Obama I had never voted for a candidate I liked who actually won,” he said with wistful look.  “It was easy to have an opinion about politics – I just automatically hated anyone in power. Now I can’t tell if Obama is trying his best against very tough opposition or is he just another Democratic sellout? It’s very disorienting. At least with Bush  I knew what to think.”

While anecdotal evidence suggests that some voters may not harbor a wish to return to the idyllic days of 24 months ago, for others the choice is clear. “I’m voting for anyone who can restore things the way they were,” said Mr. Pettigrew. “There’s still hope. The Democrats haven’t been able to mess everything up. We still have an economic crisis, Afghanistan, tax cuts for the rich, global warming and a load of other stuff left over from the past. And  best of all, there’s still a couple of Bushes who haven’t been President yet.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.