Category Archives: 2008 election

OPINION

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Black People to Whites:

We Don’t Hate You


Dear White People,

Rev. Jeremiah Wright is back in the news, thanks to his interview with Bill Moyers and his speech to the NAACP and we know that once again he’s making you pretty nervous. So we all got together and decided it was time to say something to you, something we probably should have said a long time ago.
 We don’t hate you.

That’s right, we don’t hate you, white people. In fact, we like you. We really, really like you. A lot.
See, white people, we know that underneath your anger and outrage, you’re just very, very sensitive. You can’t bear the thought that black people might be holding some kind of grudge against you. Just thinking about it hurts your feelings. We understand. We do, really!
 We get it. You think we’re angry and that makes you feel bad and then you get angry back. We know we haven’t said this before but we feel really, really bad that you feel bad. It must be hard to be so sensitive but that’s one of the things we admire about you. The funny thing is that it’s all one big misunderstanding. We’re not angry at all. Slavery, Jim Crow, segregation, lynch mobs and the KKK? We are like, so totally over all of that.
 We know sometimes it looks like we’re angry, but really, we’re not – not with you, anyway. It’s probably just something we ate, or maybe we got stuck in traffic or our cable TV is out. There are lots of reasons we could be feeling grumpy or irritable, but none of them is you. We certainly don’t blame you for any of the things that have happened to us since our ancestors were dragged here in chains 400 years ago. We know none of it is your fault. Not one bit!
 And Jeremiah Wright? We keep telling you, he’s retired. And he’s old. And oh, yeah – did we mention that he has a really bad case of athlete’s foot? That would make anyone seem angry.
 Oh, white people, the truth is, not only are we not angry with you in the slightest, not only do we really like you, but we want to be your friends. Really, we do – all of us. Best friends forever. Because we think you’re cool. Really.
 So just to make it absolutely clear, we don’t hate you, not one little bit. Okay?
 Now will you vote for Barack Obama?

Your Friends (we really mean it),
Black People


Everybody Wins

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Campaign Continues – Nation Rejoices!

All Eyes on Guam – Firewall Island?
Guam primary voter prepares to decide fate of nation, world.
Richieville News Service – INDIANAPOLIS
Today, a jubilant nation celebrated Hillary Clinton’s Pennsylvania primary victory, which assured the continuation of the race for the Democratic Presidential nomination. Across the country, in  living rooms and around office water coolers, in Internet chat rooms and in scuzzy dive bars, fans of political infighting breathed easy, knowing that the endless rounds of charges and countercharges, along with displays of beer guzzling and pancake eating, would go on for weeks if not months.  
“I was so worried that Clinton might win by a 20-point margin as originally predicted,” said Constance Washington of Indianapolis. “Or that Obama might somehow manage to come out ahead. Either one would have ended the race for sure. Now us folks in Indiana will get our chance to see all those great threatening television ads. I especially like the one where you think those cute kids are going to die in their sleep at 3 AM.  I just hope those spoilsports in Guam don’t ruin everything by handing either candidate a lopsided victory.”
She was referring to the all-important May 3 Guam primary, which is the latest in a series of decisive “firewall”contests. The desire to keep the battle going as long as possible seemed to be shared by many of the voters in Tuesday’s decisive Pennsylvania election, which followed the equally decisive “firewall”primaries in Texas, Ohio and the 24 decisive contests of Super Tuesday. 
“I know Obama is going to win the nomination, what with him having more pledged delegates and being uncatchable in the popular vote and all,” said Hillary supporter Al Greenwood, of Pittsburgh, “but I just didn’t want to end all the fun we’ve been having. With any luck they’ll be able to schedule 10 or 12 more debates before the convention.”
His sentiments were echoed by Clinton communications director Howard Wolfson, who expressed the campaign’s delight with the latest decisive decision. 
“Anyone who calls for unifying the Democratic Party at this point is out of touch with the values of small town, blue-collar, salt of the earth, beer guzzling, gun toting, white working class men. As far as I’m concerned, if you don’t enjoy being appealed to on the basis of fear, suspicion and ignorance, then you’re just some kind of elitist. “