BP Plans New “Pipeline”
As Fix For Spill
Execs Promise, “This Will Work.”
Richieville News Service – NEW ORLEANS
With the failure of the massive, four-story, 80-ton containment dome to stop the oil leak off the coast of Louisiana, executives of British Petroleum said they had an alternate plan to end the massive ecological disaster. The new effort involves the creation of a new oil, “pipeline” and though it involves no actual construction, company spokespeople were confident it would effectively resolve the problem.
“It’s simple,” BP spokesman Tod Podsnap told reporters here. “The problem is there is oil in the Gulf of Mexico. Now, unfortunately, we can’t seem to do anything about the oil. But we can do something about the Gulf of Mexico. All we have to do is rename it. We propose that from now on, the Gulf of Mexico be known as the “BP Gulf of Mexico Oil Pipeline.”
Mr. Podsnap insisted there were several immediate advantages to what he admitted was a somewhat unorthodox solution. “Look,” he said, standing in front of a map of the new, “pipeline.” “Everyone knows it’s really bad to have oil in the Gulf of Mexico, but it’s like, totally natural to have oil in the ‘BP Gulf of Mexico Oil Pipeline.'” He also pointed out that the new pipeline would deliver oil directly to the mainland at no extra cost to consumers, although he did say the company would seek tax breaks to pay for new signage along the Gulf Coast. The only difficulty the company can foresee is that speakers will have to make ironic air quotes whenever they say “pipeline.”
Mr. Podsnap said the company was investigating whether an act of Congress would be needed or if Congress even had the authority to rename an international body of water, but he said BP was sure the measure would receive wide bipartisan support. “It won’t be a problem,” he said, “Did you see how much we gave those guys last year?”
The new “pipeline.”
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